Twenty-Three Young

Entry 1

Monday 25th September 2017

Two Years, Two Months

It's just a few minutes from lunch and it's hard to know whether I want to eat anything. Too many mixed emotions are overwhelming me and I can't let it all out until he returns my messages. I wondered to myself, do we need space to sort out what's going on between us? I didn't think our relationship was stifling him all this time.

Was I really that oblivious?

He seemed completely happy with and around me all this time. I am still unsure whether a break is what we really need right now.

Would he take it the wrong way if I ask him?

Fortunately, I have my best friend to talk to but not conveniently. She's just a few minutes from class while I fill her head with nonsense about my complicated relationship before her class. She also has problems of her own at hand. But I suffer more and more pain emotionally, mentally, physically, and psychologically every single day of my "God-forsaken" life.

Since I've made my decision a few months ago, it was to let everyone know I was somehow different. I was not the same compared to my siblings or anyone else.

Many will say, "Obviously everyone is different!"

Don't you think? But my different was a type where I wore my pj's under my overalls to high school. My different was not within any two-dimensional shape but possibly a range where humans can't breathe.

Maybe we can't breathe there because we know that we are not supposed to survive there. But we all can. We just have to know how to manipulate and maneuver through the impossible. And when we build that bridge we either walk alone or with others or be selfish and burn it down when we cross it alone. But despite these two facts' my plan took myself and who I loved over the bridge and encountered a path that left smeared for the rest of my life.

Guess what I'm having for lunch? Ice-cream

* * *

As I slurp down the ice-cream, I remembered my birthday. Just seven days away.

Is he going to call me by then? Would I be nervous? To think of it, I shouldn't be nervous around him because I'm comfortable with him. The closer my birthday gets, I am constantly reminded about the large gap between our ages. It's starting to become irritating but thinking about my birthday is getting me quite anxious since it's near.

I stare at my phone every fifteen minutes, but my screensaver hasn't disappeared knowing that there were no messages or calls.

Why am I so obsessed with this guy? He bears no significance, at least not to my knowledge. But that doesn't stop him from radiating so much glory out of me.

When everyone asks me, "Who is this mystery guy that has you smiling so much?"

I feel the anticipation rolling off my tongue to speak volumes of what bundles of joy and happiness wrapped up in one was like or meant to me but my answer is always simple and ostensible, "An Artist."

An artist without a paintbrush, or a pencil, or even without paper. You're already a canvas so why argue about the matter?

The intricate reality of life is that nothing lasts forever. That's why beginnings skip to the end.