i'm just a girl

One

She exhaled through my nose, a deep breath. How was she going to say this?

She looked up at the boy sat on the chair across from her. The evening moonlight cast shadows across his face. His hazels eyes sparkling with curiosity. He had no idea. She had to tell him, she had to ruin everything — she always does.

He meet her eyes. "What is it, Freddie? You know you can tell me everything." He gulped, nerves ticking his throat.

She coughed. "I—" she spluttered off, she just couldn't say it.

He put a gentle hand on Freddie's knee, rubbing soothing little circles on the jean clad surface. "Take your time, I'm not going anywhere."

Freddie pushes back her tears. She had to be brave. "I am." She bit out a rough whisper of words.

His eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

She opened her mouth. She closed it again. The words were right there, on the tip of her tongue, yet they seemed like they belonged in another universe. A universe where her life wasn't as perfect, where she didn't have a loving boyfriend and friends she called sisters.

She took a deep breath. It was now or never. "In six months I'm leaving, I'm going to see Bertie."

"What? Freddie your not making any sense. Bertie died years ago."

The death of Freddie's dog, Bertie, was painful for them all. Freddie lost her best friend and perhaps she was a little gleeful she was going to see him again.

"I have cancer, Noah. The doctors tell me I'm going to die. They saying I have six months left." Tears ran down her cheeks in hot streams and small breathy gasps escaped her chapped lips.

Noah blinked in shock. This wasn't what he was expecting to hear when his girlfriend invited him round for dinner. Tears lined his eyes, "you're joking right, I thought you said it wasn't serious."

"I thought it wasn't, I guess I was wrong." She was gasping for air, her tears hit and heavy.

Noah fell into her lap and clung there. "You can't leave me, Fred. You promised me that we'd be together always." Water escaped him and slipped down his cheeks.

Freddie wove her hands through his hair, stroking it softly. " I know, Noah. I know. And I wasn't lying. I'll always be with you."

"Stop lying to me. You won't be here. How am I meant to live without you? You've been here with me since we were in nappies. I can't just lose my best friend. I can't!" His hands gripped hers so tightly that his knuckles turned white, Freddie winced in pain.

She ran a hand down his smooth cheek. "I know." She didn't know what to say. What was there to say?

They sat on her porch, the moon their only source of light. They sat there in ball of tears and love, until the moon was leaving, and the sun came to say hello. They sat there until their tears were gone and their throats were dry.

Noah looked up into Freddie's brown eyes. "Who am I going to run to when I'm sad? Who am I going to sit next to on the bus right to school? Who's going to give me half their lunch because I forgot mine? Who's going to kiss me goodbye and cuddle me when I'm lonely? Who am I going to play video games with at three in the morning? I'll miss you too much, Fred, you can't leave."

She gulped. "We'll find someone to do that with you, I promise. We'll find a gorgeous girl who'll love you till the day you die."

Noah blinked back tears. "I'm looking at that girl."

Freddie looked away. She couldn't bare to see the pain on his face. She gazed at the river that ran at the back her house. The tide was out, a small stream of glistening water ran down the middle of two large mounds of mud. Freddie thought she lived in the best place in the world, and she had the best person alive as her neighbour.

"One day Noah, you won't need me anymore. You'll have moved on and I'll be but a distant memory. You'll grow up and get a job. You'll be successful and be married to someone amazing and you'll have the beautiful children you've always wanted. You'll be happy, Noah." It pained her to say, to imagine him living the life she always wanted him to have with her. She looked down at him. Took in his features and the way her curled himself into her lap, it looked like he belonged there.

"No. I don't want to marry some girl. I want marry Freddie Cadmus. The girl who's allergic to lobster and can't stand celery. The girl who can't stand mornings and who loves her parents more than anyone in the world. The girl who's a national sailing champion and reads a book a day. The girl who has bright red crocs and persuaded her dad to buy himself a matching pair." He sat up and took her hands in his. They looked tiny and fragile in his large ones. "The girl who doesn't care about people's opinions and wears whatever the hell she wants. I want you, I don't want anyone else. Please."

They looked at each other. Took everything in as if they'd never seen each other before.

"What do you want me to say, Noah? There's nothing I can do, you know that."

Noah fell forward and rested his head on her shoulder. He wailed, "I don't know, Fred. I don't know. I just want you by my side." He hands wrapped themselves in a tight loop around her waist and she looked hers around his neck.

She gripped on tighter. "I love you, Noah Clarkson. I always will, no matter what happens, I'll love now and I'll love when I'm going. My heart belongs to you, it always will. And I want you to be happy. I want you find someone who will make you happy."

"I love you, Freddie Cadmus." He dug his face further into her neck and sighed in defeat. "I love you."

She ran a hand down his back. "I know."