A/N: This is the result of my late night of emotional music and wine and the one day off from work I got after forever. The title and story line is taken from Dean Lewis- Need you now....because......well...I downloaded it sometime back after hearing it from Grey's anatomy and it just happened to play on my playlist at the right moment. And this unedited one shot was born.......Also, I'm feeling really emotional about Xiao Zhan right now because like a true noob, I've been offline(SNS) for a while and I just read about what went on....though the angst here is not helping...I hope he's healthy and keeping safe. My love for this man is threatening Krist's #1 spot(They'll both be #1 one...I hate choosing). Love you guys.
PS: I'm out of wine, so look out for rainbows and sunshine on the next one shot.....it'll be written on Rum.
PPS: XIAO ZHAN - SPOTLIGHT IS SO l.i.t...YES...WE'RE MADE TO LOVE. STREAM ON ALL PLATFORMS YOU CAN AND BUY IT IF YOU CAN TO GIVE HIM THE ENERGY TO MOVE PAST A SCANDAL THAT WAS NOT OF HIS MAKING AND ALMOST DESTROYED HIS CAREER.
Cold light wakes me up in the morning. The sheets around me are cold and your side is empty, I was calling out to you. The name only I could utter,
"Wei Ying!" before I remember,
Nobody's going to answer.
Only the echo of my own voice comes back to me in the hallow room.
I roll around the bed and look around the room, my eyes land on the broken bottles around me on the floor. The Gusu emperor smile somehow now brings me some kind of sweet escape that sometimes is the only thing that gets me to the next minute.
There's broken bottles around me like a technicolored hue.
Like a Technicolored hue.
My body hurts. But I welcome the pain because it reminds me, the scars will be borne free of regret. I didn't go into the cold springs, because the kind of hurt I was feeling will not be cured by meditation. I was honest with myself enough to admit that.
My fingers touch something on the pillow and it's your red hair ribbon on the bed:
Saying, "This is all that I gotta do."
The only part of you I have with me in this lifetime.
But it's not my fault that my words died on my lips that time. You know I'm not good with impromptu plans. I have to plan everything to the last detail and you were none of that.
You came in with your sparkling eyes and childishly wondrous smile and gave me no choice in having you as a part of me. Your presence the first time I met you was enough to have your whole being embedded in me. My expression and words may not have inspired confidence in my ability to not sic Bichen on you the minute you opened your mouth, for nobody has ever blatantly challenged me with as much charm as you exuded right then....on the rooftop.....with your twin jars of emperor smile.
At the back of my head, I thought I had all the time in the world. Turns out that was just one more of the things that will unravel and prove me not as in control of my destiny as I thought I was.
That night where I forgot everything and had you in my arms: and your inability for self-preservation: the one vice we share, was the happiest I've been. To this day, I still think of that night in the Xuanwu cave as the place I accepted the itch in my heart as more than irritation for your constant teasing and more me wishing you never stop talking to me.
The place I sang you our song. Wuji.
But then again, that was also the place I last saw you, before your brother took you home only to meet you again after life removed all the innocence from your eyes.
I could still taste your name on my tongue when I wake up screaming it in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.
I guess that time...when you told me you were tired and for me to let you go, it really was goodbye....only on your part my love, I'm sorry to say, because I never would be able to let you go.
I would do it again. I'd do it again, if it means I get to spend one more second with you now.
And all of the nights and all of the days we spent together, carefree, living our best lives because we lived minute by minute. It may have seemed like I deemed you a nuisance: but you were the kind of nuisance I needed to make me forget my reality and remind me that I'm still young and there's someone out there who liked me for me, monosyllabic conversations to your non-stop talking: because now, I remember your voice like you're still talking my ear away.
We're watching them fading away. The nights and days. Separately now.
And Oh what a life when you're rolling the dice. I'm not a gambling man, but for you, comfort is not a zone I dwell in. I'll go where the chaos is, if it means you're there. If it means I can feel you around me when I'm there. Because I know this is the kind of place you'll be.
When I'm gambling all of the time with you, I'm at my happiest. Because we're following the path of justice and helping those who need our help and our conscience remains clear.
I'm sorry I didn't say it out loud then.
That I trusted you.
That even though I was worried about you, I never doubted your motivations.
"I don't need your love."
That's one of the lies I tell myself to get myself out of bed: "I just need you to know what I feel for you and have you close to me. That is enough for me. I just need to know you're in the same realm as me and my heart will be content."
But the truth is: I just need you talking next to me when I wake up. Talking next to me when I wake up next to you. When I'm hung over too, you're the only one I'll ever have seeing me at my most vulnerable.
So please answer me when I play you inquiry. Give me a sign. That your soul is out there. Even purgatory is better than this nothingness I get in return.
Because you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you.
I don't have to say anything.
Somehow you always knew what's in my heart. It's amazing the things you knew I needed when I didn't even say a thing at all.
When I'm lonely for you......
All that I need is.....
Sweet escape
And all that I need is......
Sweet escape
And so, I close my eyes again and let myself fade away so I can be with you once again. Because in this reality, I've told you I Suibian you and you told me you've always seen me as your soul mate: so, sitting, facing the beautiful Gusu sunset, hand in hand, we reminisce about the nights and days when we thought we didn't need each other's love, but were happy being.
