Here I am again, watching all of these pills. It's been an hour and I'm still sitting here, thinking it through all over again. But every time I think about it I start to wonder - is this what I really want?I mean, I've tried doing this way too many times and it never works, maybe there's a reason why I'm still alive?
One year ago. It feels like it was yesterday. It feels like it was nothing more than a nightmare. They say that time is meant to heal, but is still hurts inside. I wish none if this was real but there's nothing I can do. The pain is always running through my veins. The shadows crawls up in my mind in the middle of of the reminding me what a terrible human being. How can I defeat this nightmare? Its not letting me wake up from it. I'm tired. I'm sleepy every day of the week. The scene repeats itself in my head when i try to sleep. The scene repeats when I stay up all night. The shadows won't leave me alone. They don't want to go away.
This is killing me! I want to give up but I cant. I just want to get it to be over with now. I know exactly how all of this will end up. Somebody will come in my room and mess up my plan. There's a probability that I will never get the chance to escape from this world. My mother took all of the sharp things out of my room and any other dangerous object that can kill me. She doesn't trust me at all. She stopped trusting me a few days after the accident. The sad thing is, I don't trust myself either. I been having so many suicidal thoughts lately. Finding out ways to get out my house so I can drown myself in the lake. Thinking of ways for me to swallow pills. I can't even cut my own food or paper anymore because I'm just that easy to trigger.
It is still early so I'm going to take a hot bath and relax a little. As I get up from my bed I gather all the pills I got from my mom's room I don't even know what they are for. My mom is getting everything ready for tonight's party, she always gets hectic about the season. Fall is a very important season for her. She have a guest fall party a week before Halloween for her friends at work my dad, her friends and her boss. She likes sucking up to people and showing off.
It's pathetic.
But I shouldn't talk right?
"Mom I'm going to take a hot bath and I'll take my time so don't expect me too be around okay?" I said as I walk past the kitchen.
"Isabella Montgomery! come here right now."
Here it comes everybody. Yet again another stupid and extraneous lecture. As I make my way towards my mom, she puts her hands on her hips. Her mouth is parted so she can get ready to annoy me. Do anybody else mother do this bullshit?
"Yes mother?" I said with the sweetest tone I can come up with. Wow this must be hard for the girls at school when they speak to me. Now I know how they feel.
"Okay sweety, I know it's tough for you right now but please don't do anything stupid-"
"Mom I'm just taking a bath okay stop treating me like a little kid!" Is this woman serious right now? Like I give a flying damn about her stupid night.
"Honey I just want to make sure you're alright. Please let me help you. " She said in a pleading tone. She didn't say any of this the other days. But she picks today to tell useless crap. interesting, I wonder why. I roll my eyes.
"Okay mom just let me take a bath. " I snapped at her. She flinches a little. Before I speak I take a deep breath then let it out. I don't want to fight with her today. " Please mother do not come in the bathroom. I'll be out in forty minutes. "
"Alright. Hurry up because uncle Tommy will be arriving soon tonight. " She called out to me as I made my way almost to the bathroom upstairs. I slammed the door shut before she can say anything else to piss me off.
