"Mommy where are you going", I questioned hysterically .
Running after her to the front of the door, I frowned at the fact she's always leaving. I didn't spend as much time with her anymore since she got a new job .
"I'm headed off to work Jbug. Be good for your big sister,she's watching you today. Don't get on her nerves, I will try to be home more often ", she quickly replied while caressing my back.
I sighed and cried. This was always her excuse . I hated it when she left, but I guess that's what happens when you barely have the proper support from the children's father. 'Don't get on her nerves' kept replaying in my head . I didn't know what that meant. I didn't have any friends around the time because kids my age seen me as weird . All I had was my big sister and I always wanted to play with her . Is that getting on her nerves ? Wanting attention from an older feminine energy because I didn't receive it from our busy mother? All I knew was to be a kid , and so I did . Walking past my sisters room , I back tracked and stood by her door frame , I made sure my presence was known.
"Leave me alone and get away from in-front of my door", she aggressively said. Damn . Already ? I just got here .
"Nope I'm going to stand by your door frame . Nananabooboo" , I responded goofily. I stuck my tongue out at her and she ran after me . I thought we were playing . I was giggling and laughing while making my getaway from her .
"You can't catch me Desiree , hahah-" BOOM! I felt my body collide on the floor . Tears wailed up in my eyes because of the pain. Did I just get pushed to the ground for trying to play?
"I said LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU'RE SO DAMN ANNOYING", she aggressively screamed at me. As soon as she stormed back into her room and slammed the door shut, I cried for my mother . I'm only 7 -years-old . I didn't mean any harm to her. Everyone in the family seen my light as a child- irritating some of their unhealed demons in the process. I was a sweetheart to everyone. They inflicted their wounds on me and I slowly became them. Insecure , angry , toxic , deceptive, and cold to the world due to mistreatment and taboo family structures. I walked on eggshells , carefully, making sure I didn't bother her again . It seems as if my presence irritated her wounds, that's what it felt like .
I dusted myself off and wiped my tears . I never have been pushed for trying to play with her before. Maybe I should say I'm sorry to her . 'Did I do something wrong' , I thought to myself . I stood in front of her closed door and blamed myself for her anger , her inner pain, her problems, and failed to realize there's NOTHING wrong with me .
"I'm sorry for angering you , I didn't mean it", I sincerely said. No response. This is when the over apologizing started.
"Mane what's all this noise in hur? What you crying fa?", I heard the Memphis slang and smelled the weed on him. Uh oh . Here comes my mom's boyfriend . I strongly disliked him , and even now . He would always put his hands on me and held me accountable for actions that weren't mines. I was certain he was delusional .
"Uh-uhh desiree pushed me when I -I wanted to play" , I stumbled on my words , scared. My heart pace sped up because I knew what came next. No matter what I said or did I was always wrong to him.
He screamed-no, he barked . Using my kiddy imagination, I imagined him as the dog he is . "COMMON SENSE TELL YOU DON'T MESS WITH HER , RIGHT? RUFF RUFF BARK BARK MANE YOU DESERVE TO GET PUSHED BARK BARK" I didn't respond .He wasn't my father and he was disrespectful .He was a nobody to me. I imagined me growing super powers and lighting him on fire. The thought of it made me smile in my mind. I was cut off from my thoughts .
"Oh so you want to laugh? Go to your room and lock the door . Don't come out until your mom get off from work . I don't want to see your fucking face mane. Annoying ass lil girl I see why she pushed you ",the doggish manchild ordered. I didn't realize I was smiling in his face . I sluggishly walked away and stumped my feet . He always kept me in my room like a caged animal.
"And don't come out of your room either dawg. You can't eat for the rest of the day. Come out if you want to you know what time it is" was his last words before I drowned in my tears again . Hearing the weep of my own cries . Nobody saved me . Nobody helped me . I was alone and damaged . I felt like nobody liked me and since then I was afraid to be myself . All I wanted was to be accepted , liked, supported , and loved . Love. It must be nice to have a nice family that loves you dearly. I wished upon a star .
Once again
Where's my mother when I need her?
Time passed . It's dark outside my stomach growled. Should I get something to eat, or should I stay here? Hm. I tip-toed out of my room and walked quietly into the kitchen. 'Hurry hurry' is what I kept telling myself .
SWISH!
Unexpectedly I felt a whip across my back. Another one, another , and another . I screamed , cried , even kicked at him.
"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO EAT SHIT. GET YO ASS BACK IN YO ROOM DAWG" he dragged me to my room by my arms and tossed me as if I was a toy.
My heart was broken .. no matter what I did or said I was always punished . How can you expect me to not eat? What did I do to you? Why are y'all so upset with me? Why don't y'all like me ? Why don't y'all accept me? Everyday more and more I lost myself. My joy was sucked and my innocence was taken from me.
For the last time , where's my mother?
YOU ARE READING
The Falls and The Ascension Of She
Non-FictionSociety didn't know that a flower could still bloom, even when they ripped the petals off. They didn't know that placing me in the darkness was all I needed to grow. Burying me into the soil happily because they got rid of my presence , but was aloo...
