Ugly. This is how I feel.
When my mother started abusing me I was too young and stupid to understand what was happening so I just let her do as she wished.
And when I finally understood what was happening it was too late. My mother left. She got a new job. This f*cking whore was now a stripper. So am I. A whore stripping for his life. Fucking some strangers to survive.
In high school was known as The Rapist. At first I hated this nickname but I got used to it. And with the time I just ignored it and lived my life.
I never talked to anybody. Even at my job. I didn’t know why people wasted their time talking to each other.
If you’re sad, cry.
If you’re happy, smile.
If you’re ashamed, hide yourself.
If you’re in love with someone, fuck him.
If you’re mad at someone, beat him.
And when you want to learn something, read.
It’s simple.
Every night was the same. Taking a shower. Getting dressed. Putting some make-up on. And then making my way to this little bar. This bar that is so common. Even if I would have been blind I would recognized this place. These big heavy doors that remind you of hell’s door. The long hall with empty bottles everywhere. The high black ceiling matching with the dark curtain leading to the principal room. In there, there was a little stage with 3 silver poles. At your right there was the bar filled with many bottles, big curvy ones to small ones. As usual Taemin was there always ready to serve the newest fresh drinks to the customers.
Then I made my way to this creepy room. A big mirror hanging on the bloody-red like wall. A shining poll for us the practice and clothes all over the room. It was the "staff room". This is the place where we change ourselves before our shows.
But this night, there were strangers waiting in there.
Strangers weren't allowed in this room.
One was sited on the L-shaped couch while the 2 others were on the large counter where stood all our make-up.
-Your mother is Misses Kim, right? asked the tallest of the gang.
I nodded my head yes. Not sure about what to say (or how to say it), were they some family friends or some bad guys? I didn't know, it's been years since I've seen my mother and, seriously, there are too many Kim in Korea for me to know if I'm really the one they were talking about.
-It's our man. Said the smallest of the man. He stood up and made his way to door. To my surprise, he opened it and went out. The other man, maybe in his late 40s came near me while the tallest locked the door and placed a chair under the knob.
The man in front of me was now too close for my comfort. I could feel his heavy sticky breath on my face. He put his hand on my shoulder and brought his mouth next to my ear. "Your pretty mother asked us to make you suffer tonight. She want us to make you feel dirty. As dirty and ugly as your fucking body was as a kid." I just stayed there shocked, I couldn't believe that my mother actually knew where I was and that she ordered these old mans to do this kind of thing. I knew that she hates me. She hates me since I was born. I was just an accident. I wasn't meant to be.
He lowered his mouth to my jawline and started to lick every corner of skin he could find. My ear was his next target. Licking the lower part, then sucking. I could feel his hand under my t-shirt tracing my well built chest. He made his way to my left nipple while lowering his lips to join my.
