signs of unrequited love

It all started in my 2nd year of college; I (Kyungsoo,20) went from being an outgoing extrovert to a melancholic mess. I was always told "You're a bright person always full of life, I bet you have no trouble getting with guys". Realistically I just had major commitment issues which I blamed on my broken family life. Having an alcoholic father, an inattentive mother and a brother who just was lost in his own little world. I struggled to get the attention and love from them. Which made me explore love everywhere else. I used all the dating sites when I turned 18. That was an epic fail as I wanted a platonic relationship with love not just a lustful situation ship.

As soon as I gave up, he (Kai,19) showed up. I first met him at a friend's birthday dinner. She (Hyuna,20) was turning 20 years old that March. I was excited to meet new people and make new friends but when I got there it was very different from my expectations. I sat down three seats away from my friends and he was two seats away. The birthday girl was busy greeting everyone hence I talked to another girl (Krystal,19) beside me. She seemed sweet and we engaged in a boring conversation about colleges and being Indian. When I pulled out my phone to show her some funny memes that's when he first joined the conversation. The girl eventually zoned out and it was only me and him talking. We couldn't stop laughing and talked for a long time until one of the birthday girls' friends (Hani,18) came and said, "I need to talk to you". Explaining to me how the birthday girl had a crush on the guy I was talking to and that I should stop talking to him. A part of me felt upset but another part of me didn't want to care. However, I agreed to not let this get between us and stopped my conversations with him. Strangely enough he kept coming to me and making more conversation, even when I shut down the topic of discussion. Throughout the whole time I could feel the birthday girl give me deep glares to say, "stay away". I got anxious but stopped caring as he seemed eager to get to know me. He got my socials and that's when it all started to go downhill.

My friendship with the birthday girl ended due to the girl feeling jealous and insecure of my newfound liking to this guy. I hated toxicity and so did he, so we both decided to just cut her off from our lives. That's when we both grew closer and invested in each other's lives. Calling every day almost, having deep conversations about family, watching movies together online, travelling and going on food ventures. We did it all and that's when I started to fall for him. Close to exams he would come into my campus even though he was in a different college and we would study together. More like I would play with his hair and distract him. We would spend hours just talking and making fun of each other. When exams came, he would check up on me and see how I did. My one exam went quite bad, he just took a bus to me and gave a long hug before taking me out to eat. I was so intrigued and content with all these feelings. He wasn't the best-looking guy I knew but he just had a charming vibe and was fun to be around. I grew attached to his attention towards me.

Inside I wanted to be able to call him my boyfriend, but it was terrifying to confess. My friends also told me "I think he likes you or else why would he spend so much time with you". Foolishly, I pulled some courage and told him "I like you" over call. I could hear him pausing and trying to form words to say. He muttered "You like me? Why". My heart dropped as I explained "why" I felt the way I felt for him. It was a miserable spot to be in because all he could say was "We better of as friends and you know I'm not over my ex". He justified his rejection to the simple reason of our great friendship bond. Even though I felt dejected we got through it and became friends, I got friend zoned.

I had ignored all the signs of the unrequited love. As he never once crossed the friendship line, nor did he show any signs to have intimacy minus that one long hug. He never talked about other girls he liked or his past relationships. I realized it was only me who urged for love and a sense of belonging to someone. The next few weeks we barely had conversations. It was awkward and unbearable for me to think about him without tearing up. I got over it and moved on. Or so I thought I did. I really felt lost that whole summer and couldn't understand why I was not liked by him. That's when I went back to square one. Unloved and melancholic, it a strange feeling to have as I always felt them, but it was really intensified after the rejection. This resulted into me having a lack of appetite and weight loss. I felt the worse and worse each day but eventually I pulled myself up. I opened up to a close friend (Kris, 21) about the situation. He wasn't the best advisor, but it gave me some solitude and lifted that burden off me which I had piled up on myself.

I slowly started going out to meet other friends and visit parks alone. Gave me time to think before college starting again. I understood that it wasn't my fault. He just didn't feel the way I felt, which I only acknowledged after months of sobbing alone. I wasn't his taste in a life partner, but I could be his good friend. Even if it took me a long time to understand I concluded my thoughts of self-hate and changed it into loving myself for me. Thanks to his unrequited love I knew what to do. To work on myself more, little things mattered so taking care of my skins and health was the starter for me, but I knew that wasn't enough.

The main issue of my desolation wasn't him or myself, it was actually my family problems and the friend who I cut off. I conversed to the birthday girl and she explained to me that jealousy blinded her, and it was wrong of her to just break of the friendship for a guy. We apologized as I did the wrong thing by pushing a friend away due to a newfound happiness. We never returned to the same closeness we were before but acted in a civil manner when we saw one another at gatherings/birthdays. Even so, it satisfied my guilty conscience that I had solved one of the major issues in my life.

With my family though it was difficult, as I never talked to them much or shared my emotions. Eventually, my brother (Suho,24) a few months later left our house and I lost contact with him as I was never close to him. My mother (Hwasa, 49) was deeply upset by what had happened and didn't talk to anyone except my brother. My father (Sehun, 55) continued to indulge in alcoholism. I never had a good relationship with them but even still I wanted to do something. All I could do was talk, so I did just that. I told my dad one night after his work shift ended about how much I love him and appreciate his hard work to bring us from India to Ireland by himself. I broke down as I explained to him that I never felt any attention or love from them as I was growing up. As they used to work full time. They never attended my graduations or parent teacher meetings. Those little things really hurt but they were unaware of this as I never showed it until that moment. My father sat me down and explained his reasons and how my brother just didn't want to live with us. As he said all this, I could see my mum just standing near to the door listening in and crying.

I understood where my parents were coming from and they tried to give a small amount of affection time to time by doing the small things like calling to check up if I got home or how was college. It was a very different atmosphere, but I didn't feel as suffocated as before being at home. I wouldn't say my family became normal after that talk, but the conditions were a lot better than before.

The guy I used to like found a girlfriend during the new year of college. They didn't last long but he felt happy enough to share his thoughts and feelings with me. As we reconnected, I could confidently say we were just friends afterwards. I learnt to stop blaming others and just talking it out with people, if I had any issue with them. A little self-love was also good for the health, so I had my daily intake of that in my new lifestyle. Of course, I haven't found someone else I have liked as much but a part of me still has some hope for the future.