Life started dramatically, what a massive surprise that is! I know. According to the woman who pushed me out, she was wheeled stalkers down the corridor with a midwife's hand up her fanny, holding up my head. I was laid on it. The other bit of the dramatic tale involves the midwifes shock at my so-called fathers nonchalant reaction to my possible demise and his poor wife's distress. Its hardly shocking to me, now at the ripe old age of 41. Having now a wider understanding of the world and my parents.
Ive been diagnosed with EUPD, my son has apparently got a reactive attachment disorder due to growing up with me. Who knows what the future will bring? But now is as good as any to write this. Social services have my youngest in care and my eldest is with my parents. All will be explained as we proceed. But for now all you need to know, is that this is the day my world crumbled, no children and about to lose my income and home, made to look at therapy for at least 18 months, before even considering trying to return any of the children to me. Turning point, yup this is a bloody great one.
So back to the start I guess is best. As you can see, I didn't die and nor did my mother. My childhood on reflection changes, up to the age of 12 I saw it with rose tinted glasses. Up to the age of 8. Genuinely I believed I have an idyllic life and it was ruined by the death of my grandparents and birth of my younger sister. But looking at it as an adult there are numerous alarming and inappropriate things about it. The fear I felt daily of both parents, the lies and pretence we were made to do, the lack of physical contact, the fact that we were never a priority and always made to leave the house rather than irritate mum. My father was my everything when I was little, but when I think of the danger, he put me in, I feel so sick. I have however only specific incidents that are like videos that often replay as if they happened yesterday, otherwise worryingly its all a blank. Even when I was as old as 7/8, I remember little other than those video snippets. The one thing I do remember is FEAR and no child should have that as an overriding feeling about life.
My life has been described by some as a soap opera. I guess that is not the worst way to look at it. Certainly, in mine there are few that have stuck around for the whole time and most of the characters come and go when they have other things to do. I can say yes there have been marriages, births and deaths. Secrets oh yes, plenty of those and Drama well most of all there has been Drama. All the issues of the times are covered, mental illness, abuse, rape, racism, sex and sexuality, Stds etc. But bottom line, it my life and despite my humour and wish to not make this a dismiss and blue account because it certainly wouldnt be a true reflection of who I am but secondly who the fuck wants to read that.
