I knew of a very familiar story of someone willing to be broken and tortured by the things which she thinks will save her and her dreams for her family.
She is motivated and inspired, thinking of what all these can give her. A house, a two-story house with lots of big rooms. A dining room filled with foods each member loves to eat. A living room filled with laughter. A karaoke room, the family surely loves to sing, and an extra room for their growing cat family.
A life that is nice to live in.
One faithful night, I saw her.
I was about to sleep when I see her just standing. I walk close to her and look her in the eyes.
"Why? Is there something wrong?"
She smiles at me, "Nothing. I am just thinking."
"Thinking about what?"
I am looking at her waiting for her reply. I can sense that she is hesitating whether to tell me or not. She is embarrassed. I know her for too long and I know what exactly she is feeling right now.
I look at her eyes. Just her eyes. With no other emotion but understanding, I touch her arm, give her a warm smile, and then silently encourages her to tell me.
She breathes deep,
"I am just wondering why everything I wanted to do before, exhausts and breaks me. Why is everything getting out-of-hand? Shall I break first, cry by myself, hide it, and then share the shattered pieces with my bed? Who is going to be there for me? Every day I wake up and ask myself if I am getting there."
She is hardly sobbing.
"Am I near? Am I almost at the end? Was there a sign when you are already near? Where is this going, by the way? I forgot already. I am busy traveling to my post that I do not know which path I have been taking."
She is there in front of me and seems like having a turmoil inside her.
She is hysterical.
She is seething but tired.
She is lost but still hopeful.
She is bold but ashamed of what she has become.
After almost half an hour, she calms down.
She put her mask back on and let out a heavy sigh...
"Who's gonna hug you?"
... and then she walks away from the mirror. She walks away from herself. Turning her back from all the emotions she is feeling.
I guess at that time, she is scared of seeing me, her mirror, broken like herself.
