~ opinions appreciated ~
Dear Damion,
If you are reading this, i hope you understand why i have done this.
if only words could describe, how much, i love you. That first day i met you, in kindergarden, we were close. When we had our first kiss in grade one, we never dated but we must of looked like a little couple holding hands all the time, spending every day at each others houses, it wasn't until halfway through grade 7, everything changed, we would stop seeing each other, we had got our own little group of friends, or should i say you did. Brittany, everytime i say her name it sends a shiver down my spine, she was your 'bestfriend' it was quite clear she was all over you, you didn't realise what she was doing to me though, she put me in pain she ripped my heart out into tiny little shreds, she did it infront of you and you stood there laughing away with your other friends, she puts me in misery, we were only 12 when this began and that was only the beginning, she would laugh at me, the endless messages she sent to me how i was worthless that i should kill myself, and how much i chased after you and looked like a pathetic little fool, trying to hard. I know i shouldn't of deleted the messages and text messages she would send me day in and day out, and when we all reached 14 you dated her, i would sit there in the corner in the canteen watching you eat each others face off, you twirling every single little hair on her head, like you would with me, when i was in year 6 and i had caught some symptons of the swine flu i would be lying in my bed snuggling up to you, and i would tell you to wear a mask so you wouldnt catch it, but you said you wouldn't care, and you'd be twirling my hair singing to me until i fell asleep. I stayed strong watching you both painfull exchange each others love. It wasn't until a year later, you began to notice me as i had bruises appearing on my face, and arms and legs, you broke up with Brittany, and stayed with me, we were bestfriends again, you helped me and my mother get through her boyfriend who was abusing me and my mother, thats why i had the bruises. Brittany would keep her distance fro me and the nasty messsages stopped, you made me as popular as you were, i had friends and guys falling at my feet and all i wanted was you, we began to date after our first date at the cinema, and one night we shared loved, and had sex. I was never so happy in my life, then we had an arguement and im so sorry, i should of known it when that day brittany came over to you and kissed you in class i thought you wer cheating on me i should of gave you a chance,why did i not let you explain before i went beserk and slapped you. Why, why why why why, why did i do it? This is when my mother got cancer, and i found out i was pregnant, i tried to tell you but after you got with Brittany, and people were hating me again and the nasty messages came through, self harm came in, i felt safe cutting my stomach i didn't dare let anyone risk seeing my wrists, to think i was an attenitions seeking. No one knew about this until now, well i guess there was one night when my mother had to send me to hospital after i lost too much blood, i tried so hard to try and cover when i lost too much but when she walked in i fainted, it was the last thing i wanted her to be worrying about as she was found with breast cancer, then there was me being 2 months pregnant, thats when the hospital found out i was, mother wasn't going crazy, she just seemed faint she told me she'd support me, and i told her i didn't know who the father was, that was to protect you i didn't dare let her know incase she might of rang your parents or something. My self harming slowed down a little bit, seeing as i couldnt really cut on my stomach with a mini us inside, i was a bit happier, that i had a part of you still left inside of me literally, but then you can't tell anyone this, but you know Jason? The guy, thats your bestfriend and Brittanys, he raped me. He beat me up, the pain and fire blowing through my body the only thing i shouted was don't hurt my baby, i couldn't care less that i was being raped, all i wanted was the safety for our unborn baby, but no he ignored me, and began to kick me in my stomach, i wish i had amneisa, just to forget everything, yes i lost my baby that night, then again i lied to my mother, i told her it was my fault, and that i started on a girl and she beat me up. That was why i came into school a week later with clutches, one rib was broke and my kneepcap was broken, i had no choice to go into school, seeing as my mother was in hospital she had been through surgey and was left in a coma she still is right now, and i was sent off to my grandmothers , i dont know where else to begin, my self harming started again, each was scarring me, it was everywhere i became crazy in the head, i hated my body i was obbessed with the word Fat, thats the only word i could describe myself, i had also became sucidal so i tried to stop eating, i was starving my self i would punish myself for everytime i was craving for something or if i ate something i'd violently make myself throw it all back up. This was also stressing my grandmother as she noticed my figure was going thinner and thinner, infact her worry was worrying me, she was 70 and she was getting less stable her walking was going slower, and insted of paying attenition to what i was doing to myself, i painfully watched my grandmother rotting away, she eventually needed a wheelchair as her back was in severe pain, i watched her groan and moan in pain, i would sit on my bed just listening to her crys in the night, a week later her heart had failed and she was sent to hospital, i watched as i saw them place her onto a strecher, and a cover being placed over her pale body. I was given 30 minutes to grab my possesions, and pack my clothes before i was going to be transfered to my uncles house in England, my uncle is strict, horrible, he was like a father to my mother, when she was pregnant with me at 17 we lived with him, and he was nasty to me.
I had given up, i was depressed. My mother was in a coma and her chances of surviving were fading each day and out and my grandmother was stone dead. I sound so calm, but inside im dying. Words couldn't explain my pain, i watched the films of us when we were younger on my mothers camcorder, i went to my grandmothers room and i grabbed her pills, there sat next to me now, by the time you'll read this ill be dead, ill be up in heaven with my unborn child and grandmother and then be waiting for my mother to eventually join me, don't have any sympthany for me.
I have overdosed on them, and i can feel my body begin to shut down, my eyes are wanting to be closed.
I will be happy now.
Yours Sincerely,
Amelia
