⌜𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐣𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 ~⌟

Chapter 1: What Can I Say

"Hey Lin?"

"Mm?" Lin responded on the couch without looking up from his phone.

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Behind him, Groff buried his head in his hands at the kitchen counter where Lin couldn't see him. That went about as well as he thought it would. How could he get Lin to realize he was serious, in a more-than-friends way? When you have a close friendship where you already kiss as a joke on birthdays, hug each other all the time, and compliment each other profusely just because you're that kind of a person, there's not much of anything else you can do to make them realize you actually have romantic intentions behind your actions. Well, he could think of one thing to do. But that was out of the question. Lin was happily married. He wouldn't dream of ruining that for him, or risking it only to put an abrupt end to their friendship. He would choose Lin's happiness over his own every time.

Jonathan came back to reality and ran his hands through his hair. The rest of the cast was packing up their things for the night and heading out.

"Well, I should head back home," Lin said, finishing writing his tweet and shutting off his phone, jumping off the couch. "I'll see you tomorrow Groffsauce, you did amazing today!"

Jonathan gave him a smile and nodded kindly to mask the knot in his gut which was quickly tying tighter and tighter as he watched Lin run to catch up with the rest of the cast heading out. Pippa waved at Jonathan from the doorway. "Hey, you wanna come with us? Renee, Jazzy, and I are going out for drinks."

"That's sweet, Pippa, thank you, but I think I'm going to finish up some things here and maybe stay the night. I'll catch up with you guys later," Groff answered, shaking his head.

Pippa paused, a concerned expression flickering over her face for a moment before saying, "... Okay. Bye hon!" and locking the door behind her as she left. Pippa was definitely the mom friend of the group. Sure, they could all act like the mom friend at times, but she held the title forever and always.

Jon passed to the dressing room he shared with Lin on the way to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of the framed photo Lin had by the mirror. It was him and Vanessa on their honeymoon, giddily smiling and holding each other close. He felt a sob working its way up his throat and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He slid down the door to the cold tile floor and held his legs close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he rocked back and forth sobbing. Why couldn't he love me? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did he have to be married?

TW: brief self harm

In a split-second impulsive decision, Groff grabbed a razor and held it up to his shoulder where his costume could cover the scars. He began to cut, seeing blood pop up in a dotted line. His hands shook as he sobbed. 

Suddenly he recognized the sound of quiet footsteps out in the kitchen, followed by a quiet "Jon?" His eyes widened, knowing the voice of Renee and he quickly swiped his finger across the cut, trying to quiet his crying. The door out in the kitchen slammed and footsteps came closer.

Knock, knock.

"Jon, is that you? Are you alright? Let me in," she said softly, worry thick in her voice. She jiggled the doorknob. "If you don't open this door in the next 5 seconds I swear to God, I'm kicking it down!"

Jonathan laughed dryly in spite of himself, unlocking the door and opening it a smidge. Renee let herself in and immediately kneeled next to Jonathan on the floor to hug him. "What happened, Jon? Are you hurt?" she asked, wiping his tears. 

He shook his head but her eyes widened as they landed on the cut on his shoulder. "Yes you are! Look at you, Jon! How long has this been going on? Explain yourself!" she cried out hysterically, cleaning the cut.

"I'm... I'm... It's Lin," he admitted, hiding his face in his hands.

"What about him sweetie?" she spoke in a calming voice now that she had regained her composure.

"I'm in love with him," he choked out, new tears streaming down his face.

"Oh, Jon," Renee said, grabbing him a tissue. "How long has this been going on?"

"Years, now. I've been so... depressed, lately. I wish this hadn't happened. Why did I have to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back?"

"He does love you, Jon."

"No he doesn't. I know what you mean, but it's like a 'love you bud, no homo, platonic bro hug' kind of love towards me. If I tell him I love him he just brushes it off and says 'love you too' and we're really close so I don't want to ruin our friendship and I just..." he stumbled over his words, talking quickly.

Renee shh'ed him and wiped his tears gently with a tissue, pulling him in for another hug. Her phone rang in her handbag that was on her shoulder. "Sorry, hold on," she said, answering the phone since it was Jazzy.

"Hey, everything good? You've been gone a while," Jon could hear Jazzy yelling through the phone but only because there was loud music in the background.

"Don't worry about me, something important came up. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Okay... see you tomorrow,"

The call ended and Renee looked at him with such sympathy he looked away in shame. They sat on the floor in comfortable silence for a while, Renee wiping his tears and putting her arm around him as he cried until he couldn't any more.

Word Count: 1026 Words

Thanks for reading! This was hard to write bc I can't stand Sad Groff but I gotta do it. :'c Let me know what you thought and I'll publish more chapters soon!