Forgive me, Goodbye

Forgive me, Goodbye.

18 years ago, there was a girl born in the city of Cabanatuan, Nueva Ecija. She had sparkling brown eyes with jet-black hair that complimented her snowy white skin. Her family wasn't poor nor rich, they were just average people living in an average home.

She was a smart girl. They would often make her compete in the Mathematics Teachers Association of the Philippines and some science competitions. Besides her intelligence, They would also make her compete in beauty contests, dressing her up like a super model. She never once won, but her family always calls her beautiful. 

Her mom was a medical technologist and Her dad was a sea farer.  She was a fathers girl; she would often wait for her dad to come home, and he would often bring home sweets for her and her little brother.

They were a happy family or so she thought they were.

It was too good to be true. When she turned 7, everything came falling apart. She would often see her dad wasted, her mom carrying him on her tiny back as he keeps pushing her away.

One day, her dad left them for good. She saw how her dad pushed her mom away, shouting that she was a whore; her eyes darted towards her mom that was crying on the floor begging for her husband to stay. As tears starts to swell up in her eyes, she went to the bed pretending that she was asleep. Her mother followed a few minutes later, Her mother tried so hard not to cry in front of her. One thing that was on her mind that day was,

'I have to be strong for mom'

she hold back her tears as she comforts her mother. Later on they told her why her dad left. It was because of her mom's best friend. Apparently, her mom's best friend told my dad that she was with another man. Deep down, she knew it wasn't true. She was moved to another school, in fear of her dad kidnapping her from her old school. In her new school, she met new friends that was always there for her when she needed them, they had fights, but they had fun. 

In this school, she experienced her puppy love. She didn't know what to do, so she gave him gifts. She was the one courting him, but he looked at her like she was some kind of crazy woman, that she was obsessed. It brought down her confidence, she kept thinking of herself as some weird girl, but that wasn't the end of her miserable life. 

She was 10 years old, her brother was 9 years old. It was a hot summer day, so she decided to take a shower. She happily enjoyed her time at the shower, she wrapped her body in a towel and went to their room, while she was changing into her clothes, she noticed a camera aiming right at her, to her surprise it was her brothers tablet. When she checked the tablet later on, she noticed that there was a video of her naked. Her brother snatch the tablet away from her, and deleted the video.

She told her family about it and to her surprise they didn't believe her.  They said that maybe it was just an accident. It brought her down even more, she became scared of telling her family how she feels.

When she turned 12, Her family and some of her relatives went to Manila for vacation. She had lots of fun hanging out with her aunts and uncles that were almost the same age as her. Until night time came, she was put into a bed with one of her uncle and her grandfather, her uncle was 3 years older than her. She didn't mind because they were relatives after all. She thought it was okay. 

She was already asleep when suddenly she felt a hand on her thighs. It was going up and down, it sent chills through her spine. She couldn't move from shock; 'what was happening' she thought. Soon enough the hand moved upwards to her shorts, it even tried to put it inside. She tried acting as if she was moving in her sleep, so she can brush of the hand away from her. It stopped; but later on it continued. She couldn't sleep. She got up and went to the bathroom, trying to shake away the fear in her. 

While on their way home, she didn't say a thing. She was scared that it will happen again, and it did. She was 13 that time, It was new years eve, they were put in a room with her uncle and his little brother, along with her brother. She shrugged of the feeling of fear and decided to sleep. Later that night, she felt his hands again in her. He was touching her breast, massaging it, he was shaking with cold hands. She rolled around pretending to move around again, she was so scared to open her eyes. She wanted to scream, to ask for help but she was too scared because everyone in her family thinks of that uncle as a perfect guy, obedient and smart. She was too scared because she tried telling her family about a similar situation but they disregarded it. 

Finally, she was in high school, she thought, 'It's gonna be different this time'. But to her dismay, It will be one hell of a ride for her. At first it was normal, she made friends, hang out with some of her classmates, but later on she met this guy, she fell in love with him, or she thought so. Like last time, she chased and chased the guy. She started losing friends, she got into fights, then the bullying started. 

They called her a slut, a whore, a harlot, and whatever they can say to bring her down even more. She became more depressed than ever, She closed herself from the world. She blames herself for being like that; she pities herself. 

One time, in her 8th grade, she had this friend, they weren't that close but at least she had a friend. The bullies tried to open the door as hard as they can in her face, but missed and hit her friend instead. She was so angry that she ran all the way to the principal, She reported the situation she was in; that she was being bullied. Sadly, she lost all hope for humanity that day. The principal said,

"But bullying is normal in high school."

She was crying her heart out but no one heard her, no one helped her. She became suicidal, she would go to class with cuts on her wrists, eyes swollen from crying all night and her head was pounding from smacking it over and over. The bullying did not stop, her advisers even scolded her for going to the principal first instead of them. 

She met new friends, they introduced her to gaming. She had fun playing with them, even if it's just for a while. Cause the next year..

They left her. Alone. She gave up on life. She didn't think she was worth it, she always questions herself why does everyone leave her behind. First, Her father, then her mother who left her to go abroad, and her friends. 'What was wrong with me?' she thought.

In 11th grade, she was so excited to go to school, thinking it would be different, because there were new students. She was thinking that maybe she can make new friends, and she did. 

She was so happy, thinking that it was different from her past, that maybe she can actually be happy, not until she fell in love with one of her friends, they said they were perfect for each other. They both liked playing games, drinking, smoking, but it all came crashing down again. She was left behind yet again. She couldn't take the pain anymore so..

One night, she chugged all the drugs she can find in her home, when she realized it wasn't enough to kill her, she slashed long and deep cuts on her wrists, but it wasn't enough either, so she decided to hang herself. When she was about to lose consciousness, the rope snapped; dropping her with a loud thud. 

Her family found her laying in the ground, deep cuts on her wrists, vomiting from the drugs she had consumed, with red rope marks in her neck. She was rushed  to the hospital, it took her 3 days for her to recover. She was forced to go to school, when she did, all her friends were asking if she was okay. It made her heart swell up, It made her feel a bit happy.

She was not that happy, but it's a start. 

Now, she's sitting in front of her laptop, writing her story for you to read, with a smile on her face. She survived. So will you.