A Childish Mind

The World of Adults

   Being in a kindergarten or in elementary school, trying to make new friends, learning the world of fantasy and magic and dragons and monsters and bad people and strangers. Parents will always seem to hide something from you. 

   Using a bad word in front of mother or father or in front of your kindergarten teacher will be a punishable offense for some reason. 

   Being in ninth grade, my friends that i from kindergarten would use these bad words, my family seem to be more open with their use of language in front of me. 

   "I thought using fowl words is wrong..." I would ask people around me and they will bully me for it. So everything taught in kindergarten and school is wrong? I don't know. I was told to follow the rules strictly. Was I just being a fool? I was lied to all my life? 

   High school was even worse. It was hard to complain or say anything. And I realized that people around me tried to be 'cool' by using fowl languages and offensive feats. Why was I taught not to swear? Why did my parents change after I grew up? 

   "Open the fucking door!" I hated hearing my mother say that. 

   Was getting drunk and making mistakes right if we are teenagers? I don't understand. I don't get it. Why is it so different from what i learned in kindergarten? 

   So using swear words is okay if you are mad at someone or something? 

   "Hey Tim!" My friend invited me to a party all of sudden. I don't know why he asked someone like me who was lame and boring. 

   I entered a collage freshman party thrown by someone whose parents were out of town. Alcohols, smoking weed and many other things. Was that normal? I wanted to leave. It felt wrong for somehow.

   What is going on? What is this? I thought this was wrong... I don't know anymore. Watching my dad bribe a police officer, watching my friends buying drugs. I don't know. Everything was a lie, my childhood was all a lie. I was scared of the world. People change around you and treat you differently as you grow up. 

   Why this concept of right and wrong change so drastically? Why was I lied to by everyone? 

   There was another chapter in my life when I found sexual videos or what you call porn (I didn't know the word back then) in my mother's laptop. Why was it wrong to watch it if mom gets to watch it? Why was it wrong? I wanted to ask but I can't get the courage to ask. 

   No matter how old I was, my mom and dad will question my decisions every single time even if I was just doing things they did. I HATE THIS! I wanted to escape everything. I don't want to waste my time explaining to other people. I don't want to waste my time being kind or selfless. 

   Driving within the speed limit was always wrong when people are around. I realized that if you are surrounded by other people, you try to drive faster to look cool, even if it was dangerous. It is fun to ride fast but... when you are driving alone or with family, you drive slow and steady. I HATE THIS! This is a world of hypocrites and I don't want to be one of them. 

   What is happening? When did it all change so drastically? If I ask about these things to others, they will call me childish or awkward. 

   At one point it felt like being different from others is the same as being insane. Am I crazy? I guess being crazy is not that bad. Am I right in questioning everything? But... why do I feel like I am the bad guy here?

 I don't want this.