Days Like This

God

I have always prayed to god.  I have always believed in him.  I shed most of my traditions and lessons from being a dutchess, but God was never shed.  I believe he gave me all my favorite things. My freedom, my tattoo, and Matthew.  So here I pray to god.

Dear God, forget the war.  I used it as my freedom but know it is too much.  God, I must tell you I love you, but Dutchess Xylezia is gone  No one needs this anymore.  This all started with a silly fued.  I prayed for it.  I asked and begged you for it. But know, God, read this and stop.  Please stop.  I will do anything.  

Matthew broke my prayer.  He hugged me and whipsered in my ear,

"I'll protect you.  It's okay." Then I realized I had been crying.  Tearing and bawling.  I wiped the tears on his jacket.  Then I looked up into his eyes and said something.  I thought I would never speak of the kingdom ever again, but here goes nothing

"Matt, You know you were my sutor.  You know we would have lived happily ever after in our far away kingdom of happiness"

"You know we wouldn't have.  We weren't meant to be kingdom-y.  And besides, you and I? Ha!" The Ha stung.  I knew the rest, but this guy is my best friend.  You always would work with your best friend.  I know it, I just know it, he must be lying.

"Ha?"

"Sorry... I ya know. Us?"

"We would work Matt.  You know it."

"Us? I don't know what your saying, that's the past, it's behind us"

"You're right I don't know what I am thinking.  Sorry" I looked sown and then away.  I don't know why I was embarassed.  I never liked him like likelike.  But, I guess right now I'm sensitive to anything and everything.  That must be it.  It has to be it.  It's it right? I don't know.  I don't know love or crushes because I can't.  When I was born it was decided that those feeling would never come to me unless provoked in a way scientists haven't figured out yet.  If they had been provoked now I wouldn't know it because I don't know what it's like.  I don't know why this is all the way it is.  I don't know why I was born that way.  I wish I wasn't.  But if I don't know what I'm feeling now, if it's trust (which I've never felt before) or love, how do normal people know when it happens for them for the first time.  My life has always been so confusing.  Why can't I be like a regular person.  Why can't I be like a person who didn't kill a president at 12 years of age?