Fallen Paradise

1. Grey Beginning

The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are

Abbigail Gilmore

It's amazing how life can change in an instant when you least expect it. Everything you've been used to is no longer the same. People you thought were friends turned out to be the most disgusting and hypocritical people. Those around you will no longer see you as friendly after a situation in which you weren't the initiator. I became the one they looked at with disgust or gloat. Some people's eyes were full of regret, but that didn't mean anything because there was nothing they could do anyway. No one could help me. I was alone. I was lying in my bed and crying bitterly, refusing to go out and see anyone. I was in a lot of pain, but I couldn't find any comfort from anyone, even including my parents.

I remember their eyes were full of shock when they found out what truth was spreading about their daughter. I could notice my dad's barely noticeable disgust in his eyes, even after I told the truth. Of course, his golden girl embarrassed him in front of others. Sometimes I wondered what was important to him, whether it was the opinion of others or me, but eventually I became convinced that the opinion of others was much more important to him than mine. He always looked at me as if I was his prize, and he showed it to everyone at the exhibition. I don't even remember if he ever treated me like his daughter rather than a grown trophy.

Ever since I was a kid, my parents have been telling me that if you do good, good will be done to you. Perhaps that's the biggest lie that exists in the world. Nothing hurts you more than when you're good to people, and they take advantage of it and stab you in the back. As a child, this whole huge world seems harmless and beautiful with its secrets that you want to uncover. We look at it with naive eyes, looking forward to see what happens next. We want to grow up faster to try out the delights of this life, to make friends who will make you feel special, to take risks and do stupid things that will make your youth brighter. I think that is what everyone expects when they imagine themselves young, alive, in love and naive. The only downside to all this is reality.

Everyone can dream, but not all are capable of turning them into reality. Some achieve their goals; some make loyal friends and find loved ones while some get to live a glorious life. One person's dreams come true, and another person's dreams fall apart. My dreams weren't supernatural. I had friends that I spent most of my time with. I had a boyfriend, or so I thought. The point is that you can dream, but your perfect imaginary world won't become a reality because there will be people waiting to destroy it at any moment, just like they destroyed mine.

After it happened, I wanted to hide so no one could see me. It was painful to see those who betrayed me, even though I didn't understand why. Cruelty, you might say, rules the world. I couldn't show up at school knowing everyone would look at me, whispering behind my back and laughing. I realized I was weak when I ran away from school and couldn't show up there anymore, so I stayed home the next day because I knew my past quiet life was over. I didn't want to stay in the company of hypocritical people. I just couldn't. Running away was the best way out, and I didn't even want to fight. Tiredness had taken over me so much that I couldn't even get up on my feet and go to the place to confront their jokes and evil looks.

Some people can't handle it. We tell ourselves that we are strong enough, but when we are going through challenges, we immediately forget that. We want to run away from all the problems, hiding from the world under our bed covers, imagining that everyone has forgotten we exist.

My parents didn't mind my sudden decision to change schools. I think they felt bad that there were some dirty facts and rumours spreading about their daughter that were false, but no one cared. I wanted to forget about it as a terrible dream. But I don't think I can do it, because I still live in the same city with these people. The only difference is that I changed the school district that was far away from my old one. My hope, that I could start over in a new place, was small, yet it was there. Honestly, being invisible is the best option I ever thought about. Sometimes I felt like I was coming up with that hope so I wouldn't finally get depressed and shut myself away from people.