Traumatic Experiences

Riverside

trigger warning
eating disorder, violence, self-harm, the harm of others, things breaking, panic attacks neglect, fire alarms toxic relationship, maybe more I forgot

Government programs for kids. You think they'd be safe. But when I was there it wasn't. All the doors were locked, and the only maybe safe place was your room. My room I could see the backside of the building and the main entrance, and right where the only emergency door was.

The emergency door that you had to press on for 30 seconds to open in case of a fire, that half the time didn't work, and when it did it screamed a horrible high pitched noise. This door was for fires, so they didn't keep us in there to cook alive. But there was never a fire there. But that door opened every week by a screaming kid, threatening to kill someone if they don't get out.

Speaking of fires. Fire alarms. When one goes off I don't notice for at least a minute. It happened once at a shop, and I walked out slowly as someone I didn't know, pulled me by the hand because I myself didn't notice. I didn't notice because when problematic children are mad they love the fire alarm, the one that you pull on and it calls the fire department to you while making a loud noise to get everyone awake.

Every other night I woke up to that sound. In the beginning, it was scary, now it's just in the background, the only fear I have is leaving the room I'm in because someone out there might want to hurt me. Not that the fire could swallow me whole.

Let's not mention my fear of eating. I know, eating, everyone needs to do it. But where I was there they had horrible food that wasn't good for you, and the few times I was so hungry it hurt, I sat down to eat, leaving the semi safety of my room, and before I could take a bite people would yell at me, telling me to put it down, I was as fat as it was.

Normally I would just set it back down, let someone else eat it, because we never waisted food, but one time, I was too hungry to care. I said, "I know i'm just hungry, I'm eating just a little" and they didn't like that. They threw a fork at me. "What did I say dumbass! I said put it down and walk away!" she yelled. I nodded quickly, setting it down and walking away.

It only got worse, everyone eventually did it, trying to stab me. And the staff wouldn't say anything unless they tried to hurt me, so I stopped eating except at school because I went to a different one than them.

My school wondered why I would always ask for more, and after a while, they knew. They could only give me a little more, the other kids would complain, "why does she get more!" they eventually stopped, saying it wasn't fair to others.

the only time I ate was at school or at 1 am when my favorite staff was a night staff, it only happened every other week, but he would bring a box of kraft mac and cheese, out of his own money, and he'd make it and we'd share, he'd wake me up and just talk and eat. But that was only the times he could when people weren't yelling and mad.

There was this one person that wanted me dead, went as far as getting a knife, throwing plates at my head. Some people when they were mad when they were outside, and couldn't get to the person they wanted to hurt, they would throw rocks at the windows, shattering them, making weapons out of glass shards. Sometimes they would shatter it onto someone, we all stayed away from the windows.

They broke my room window once, that was the fastest windows fixed, room windows, but only so no-one thought we weren't being taken care of, so no-one could see the neglect.

I remember someone specific, she loved breaking glass. She threw a rock as big as a torso through the plexiglass door, it wasn't like broken glass, it was three big pieces of sharp plasticy glass, I almost got hit with it and I cut my hand on the shards, I cut myself on accident a lot on glass, helping to pick it up because someone else would use it as a weapon

The pieces never fully got out of the mulch that was outside. I knew a few people that would smuggle the small shards into the building either to hurt someone else or themselves.

I even started dating someone there that was so abusive and toxic, just so I had someone to protect me, even if he really didn't. He would force me to do things and if I didn't the next day hed make fun of me with the others, tell me to stop eating and everything, but I needed him...

He left a few days before me. I was there for 102 days I think... I don't remember what my first day was, but I remember my last... I never got to thank my favorite staff for everything he's done for me before I left but I have so many fears around that place.

I can never eat in front of anyone I don't trust unless I'm starving, and I don't eat much, only once a day, only to keep suspicion away from my family. I know I have an eating disorder, but no one notices, my weight is steady, and they see me eating, and I'm overweight. No one like that could ever have an eating disorder, no. so I just keep up what I do, swallowing every bite, screaming at myself to stop.

It gets worse on the holidays or when my parents of friends over, for a meal. I'm so scared to eat but I force myself to.... And on the highway, we would always go off of exit 48 to get to that place.

on the sign it ways the road that horrible place was on, and every time, I'll almost have a panic attack if I see the sign, ill look away and close my eyes, but to do that you have to be aware it's coming, and that's scary too, it's even worse when we take the exit, I don't think my mom notices that I tense when she takes it...or that when she slams around when she's overwhelmed and angry that I flinch like a beaten puppy.

I can't tell her or ask her not to slam around or take the exit because shell asks why. And I can't tell her why, she will play the victim "I didn't know it was so bad, I just did what I thought was right and it would help *you*" because I needed so much help... or "oh so its all my fault, yeah keep blaming me for your problems" or "you did this before, don't try to blame me" or the worst one " I know its all *my* fault. Sooorryyyy." and I did think it's her fault I was there so long.

I signed something saying ill go, but after I knew it was so bad, she told me to suck it up, because she had alone time, and they will help, and I'm making shit up. And I never did! I never did! I just wanted to leave! I was scared all the time, and I had nowhere to be safe, and they always asked me why id skip school if I hated it there and it was because the other kid went to school, so it was safe there, and at my school people would yell, and make a scene.

This one kid at school, sat right behind me, because they put me in front of the class, even when I hate people behind me, and when I asked to be moved and explained they still said no and I needed to deal with it because I'm mature. Me being a good fucking kid made me suffer! And they wonder why I don't like being good. I was bad, went there got trauma, and now, I'm good and get to relive it, every day. So thank you, United States government. And CPS. for not helping me when I needed it most

"thank you, and fuck you"