Not My Body

I've never felt like I belong.

It's not that I felt alienated from my family, or the other children around me. I just felt... Like something about me didn't fit.

I was a little girl, only five and in kindergarten, when I began to actually notice something was wrong.

In my class, girls were very different from boys, and we knew and didn't mind. During play time, the girls would dress up and draw and look at books while the boys ran and shouted and played with each other. I scribbled and read and talked quietly like the other girls, but when I looked around, I felt that though my drawings and clothes were no different, something didn't feel right. I was young, so I didn't really know what it could have been, so I continued to play like everyone else.

One day, we were allowed to play with the dress up clothes. The boys ran around on the big carpet in the middle of the room playing some game or another whole the teacher watched, and the girls went behind a screen to where the clothes were. The boys had their own screen, though it wasn't being used now since it was our turn to wear the costumes. I glanced over at the costumes lying in the bin in that area, and suddenly was overcome by the urge to try them on. Many of the girls put on dresses, those being the only costumes in the girl section, but since I was an impulsive child I walked openly to the other screen to look at the boy's costumes. I pulled out something- was it a pirate outfit? I don't think I even knew at the time- put it on, then returned to the other girls, smiling proudly.

I remember clearly how confused some of them were, little faces scrunching up at the outfit that didn't quite fit me, but that I felt mor comfortable in. But otherwise, we played as normal with the costumes, and the teacher even complimented me on it.

When I went home that day, dressed again in my normal little girl's clothing, I immediately ran to my mom and told her how much fun I had dressing up that day. Once a week my mom could come home early from work, and it was lucky that day happened to be the day I'd gotten to dress up in a boy's outfit. My mom was happy at first, glad to hear me talking so excitedly about school for once, but she got a strange look on her face when I suddenly told her I wanted to wear boy clothes instead of girl clothes. She asked me why, and I remember telling her that I liked them better. Was more comfortable in them. However, she firmly told me that since I was a girl, I was supposed to wear girl clothes. I grumbled that I wished I was a boy then, but she didn't take it seriously.

That makes sense. I was only five, after all.

This was where I began to notice the discomfort I had. It was mostly how i always wore girl's clothing, played with girl toys, was constantly referred to as a girl. I didn't know why as a child, but it bothered me. For years this went on, until one day, when I was twelve and on my mom's computer for playing, I saw a bunch of things on a website. They were talking about something called "LGTB" or "LBTG" or something. At twelve, I was curious, so I began scrolling through things talking about rights and protests. I'd never known about this. What does gay mean? Asexual? Demisexual? Transgender? These were all words I'd never heard before. Many of them had what I thought was a naughty word, so I started with what I figured was the safest looking one- transgender. I read through a page where someone talked about how they didn't feel like they belonged in their body, and I was shocked. They were saying the exact same things I had thought at least once before.

I found more articles and read for an hour. It was after school and my mom was still at work, so I had plenty of time to read. I went through page after page, enjoying the subject the more I heard about it. It just felt so... Fitting. Finally, finally I found something I actually believed applied to me.

The truth was, all along, I'd felt like I wasn't really a girl.

Yes, I looked like a girl, I physically was a girl, but it wasn't who I was. After reading so much about transgendered people, I felt like the word was alien, it didn't apply to me.

I was happy, happier than I could remember feeling. It was finally correct, it actually felt like something that was ME. I smiled, and I laughed from joy as I read. Then I began to see other articles.

Articles of people who were bullied because they were transgender. People who were rejected by their parents. People who killed themselves because of what others did.

Sadness. Pain. Rejection. Hatred.

My joy turned to horror, and I felt sick. Was my newfound self identity sick? Was I wrong, am I just delusional? I began to question my entire mind. Am I sure this is who I am? If it is, do I dare embrace it? I heard the deep rumble of the garage opening. My mom was home. I exited all the articles, opened up a game, and stared blankly at the start screen.

My mom walked in the door.

"Hey sweetie, how was your day?"

"Good."

"Anything interesting happen?"

"No."

It's okay. I'll just keep it inside. No one needs to know how I feel.

I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want my mom to hate me. I don't want to experience that.

I get up from the computer and smile at my mom. She smiles at me. We talk, and the only reminder of what had transpired moments before were the small teardrops that had fallen onto the keyboard.

No one needs to know.

I'll be fine.