Out There

The Beginning

Hi there. Nice to meet you. My name is Jack Emerson, formerly known as Jacqueline Emerson, but nevermind that. I'm a 16 year old boy who aspires to be a world famous novelist or maybe just a small town journalist, all depending on my future. I'm a pretty lonely person with books being the only company I've had in a while. Last year I was living 10 hours from where I'm currently living. There, I had a social life and I was pretty popular among my friends. Before then I was your average nerd with a friend or two, so I've come a long way. I went from a bit of a social caterpillar, to a social butterfly, then to a lonely moth with no one but his cats to talk to. My current state was brought on by a considerable act of bravery on my part.

~~~Backstory~~~

Last year I was Jacqueline, a 15 year old girl with long dark blonde hair and a somewhat curvy figure. I got my lip pierced so now I have snake bites and I started listening to more post-hardcore and alternative music. This resulted in my group of friends. I wouldn't say I was pretty, with my low self esteem, but I wasn't ugly. I always had my eyeliner on point and had nice style to match. All that time, however, I was internally screaming. I cried myself to sleep most nights because of the overwhelming pain I felt when I thought about who I desperately wanted to be. Who I really was. A boy.

I told this to no one. I thought it over and over for months. I researched and read and did just about everything I could before everything came into place. To say I was terrified is a hell of an understatement. What would my family think? What would my friends, more specifically, my best friend, Charity think? What would my boyfriend, Konnor think? So after a few more months of dying inside I decided I had enough. (This is where the bravery comes in.)

At dinner with my family one day, I cleared my throat and announced I had something important to tell them. They all looked at me expectantly and of course I got nervous under their gazes. When I finally looked up I looked straight into my mother's eyes, as she was most understanding of everyone in my family. The one I trusted most.

I stared straight forward and said in a rush, "I'm a boy not a girl and my name isn't Jacqueline it's Jack I've known I was a boy for a while now and I want to cut my hair." I added the last part simply because I definitely couldn't pass because of how my hair looked. I looked down as soon as I was finished and waited. After about 2 agonizing minutes of dead silence I looked up to find my sister confused, my mom with a look in her eyes I couldn't quite read, and my dad looking anywhere but me. I knew my dad. I knew he wouldn't accept as he was extremely homophobic. He always grumbled whenever a gay couple would marry or he'd see a gay couple in public. He often made jokes that were pretty damn offensive. He never shared anything about his views on transgender people, but I was sure he didn't agree with that either, especially what I said.

My mother cleared her throat and smiled a small, apologetic smile for my father and reached over to take my hand in hers.

"Although I don't always seem like I pay too much attention to you guys I do, I really do. I'm sorry your father and I aren't around much, but I'm your mother and I know what's going on with your lives even when you don't, sometimes. Jacquel-Jack, sorry, I've noticed things about you recently but I wasn't too sure. Now that my thoughts are confirmed, I want you to know that I support you and that I'll always love you no matter what. We all will. Won't we?" My mother looked around at my family. My sister muttered a 'yeah' and my dad just grunted but sighed and agreed when my mother shot him a glare.

"You-you're not mad?" I asked my mother incredulously.

"Of course I'm not mad. You're my daughter- I mean son, sorry baby, and I love you. You have my full support in whatever decision you make." She smiled and just as I was about to thank her my sister butted in.

"You don't like, like girls now do you?" she asked, the same boring tone that's always in her voice. My mother scolded her but I waved her off.

"No Bec, I do not, and never will like girls." She seemed thoughtful for a moment but then continued to eat and texted on her phone. I looked up and smiled at my mom before I also resumed eating.

Wow. Coming out to family had been easier than I thought. Coming out to my friends was a completely different story...