Out There

Hate

Remembering today was a school day was enough to put me in a bad mood. I got up and got ready for school, not bothering to eat any breakfast on my way out. I thought I'd go ahead and walk instead of having my mother take me. Halfway to school a truck full of other students sped by, each of them yelling different insults and profanities at me. I looked up and caught of glimpse of the driver. Konnor. Of course it was Konnor. He's probably told the whole school about all of it by now. I'm sure Charlie and Ben probably found out one way or another. Just as I walked into school, students were already throwing things and yelling at me. Through all of the yelling I heard one particular sentence. One familiar sentence that pained me to think about.

"If you're a boy, where's your dick?" Well. The school knows who I was. It felt like deja vu all over again. The taunting, the snickering, the bullying, the pain. I hurried through the crowd and to the commons, turning sharply and walking into the library. I ran to the back, ignoring the scolding of the librarians telling me to walk. When I got to the very back corner I broke down and cried. Why? After all of the hate I got I finally had some stability in my life and now this? Konnor brought it all back. It was his fault. He may have looked caring before but now I knew he was evil. Coldblooded. And overall an awful person. What would I do now? I'm guessing the guys are gonna stay away from me, seeing as I'm a bully magnet. Sure they could take on Konnor but not the whole student body. Does this mean I'm back to having no friends? No, it's beyond that. Now everyone would probably avoid me. They'd probably leave the room when I walked in. They'll never make eye contact with me. It'll be like I'm invisible. Like I don't exist. Well not really, because not existing would probably be better than any of this.

After crying for a few more minutes I just say there. I stared at the wall as I thought of all the different possibilities and outcomes of what Konnor told everyone. This morning, well, these past two days have really been the worst. Even worse than my old school. Then, I knew no one really cared for me. Not even Konnor. But here, I know the guys considered me their friend. I could feel the acceptance around me. I felt it when Lee and I talked about everything that night at the party. When we played laser tag and swam in the lake. I was one of them. I was their friend. They were my friends... Were my friends. I know now that I don't have them anymore. They've left me and will soon forget about me. I don't mind it though. I mean, we weren't even friends for long. I should've known it wouldn't last. I'm too much of a fuck up to have any chance with anyone. Now that I've really seen the truth, all of this seems meaningless. I wasn't loved, aside from my family, maybe even only my mother. I was friendless. Not even the lowest class people would look at me now. I was just a lost cause. Trying to live my life peacefully as a boy would never come. I knew there would be challenges and obstacles to find my way around, but never was I prepared for this. I never thought about the hate and humiliation I would feel.

I hate all of this.
I hate the school,
I hate my classmates,
I hate Konnor,
I hate Charity,
I hate my life,
I hate my body,
I hate myself.

I realized that last thought and said it to myself over and over until I has it ground into my brain. What's there left to do now? Could I take the kind of humiliation I faced this morning? No. No I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I won't give Konnor the satisfaction of looking at me and seeing the scared, vulnerable little boy he made me. I'll make sure of that. I noticed the clock said it was 10:05 AM. I've already missed my first two classes. I got up from the floor, determination taking over my mind. I swiftly walked out the door and towards the front of the school. I walked down the steps and ran the 15 minutes it took to get home. Once inside I went to my room and locked my bedroom door. I paced my room for hours. Occassionally sitting but then getting too worked up and getting back up to pace again. My mother had to take my sister to some social thing at her school and my dad was working late, so I was home alone until around 9.

I sat and thought about everything. Why couldn't everyone just accept who I was? What was so wrong with me that they had to hurt me like they did? I didn't ask to be like this. It's how I was born. "It's not my fault!" I screamed my last thought out my window, into the sky. I screamed "Why?" over and over until my throat was raw. All I wanted was to be myself. To be who I knew I could be. A strong, independent man. Now, I've realized that couldn't happen. Not with the way society's minds work. No, they would never accept me. They would never love me. They would never let me be me.

They all hate me. And now I hate me.