for stalkers

Me

Me

So where shall I begin? Let's start off when I was 4 years old.
4 years old, kids playing having fun then there was me inside playing with my great grandma only to realize that night would be the last night I ever saw her in my life. I couldn't get to sleep that night and I heard a thump and all I heard was "help" I should've gotten up and I should've helped her but no I was afraid. I was terrified and that costed me everything. I got up in the morning thinking everything will be fine but it wasn't she was lying on a stretcher with two to three different EMS staff next to her. All I thought was 'this is my fault I did this.' I went to school that day thinking she'd be home and she was but while I was asleep they took her from the house and she died and I found out in the morning with her room empty.
End of age 4.
I was crying typing this and it still hurts me to this day that I couldn't have done the right thing and helped her. Nobody believed me and nobody thought that I would've blamed myself for it but I have and I miss her till this day. She was the only one who understood me the most and was always there for me when I needed her. I miss her so much it hurts and I just wish I could go back to that very day and get up and help her.
This next part will hurt.
Age 13.
While in Ohio I had made friends but also made some new bullies along the way. I got picked on and made fun of. I wanted to scream and shout till I couldn't scream anymore but I couldn't because I had no one to comfort me after that. Every night I prayed and I asked god to do two things. 1: take care of great grandma and grandpa for me.
2: make sure they can see me.
I was also having a hard time with my period back then and I never really had a phone so all I had were books to keep me happy.
End of age 13.
Then this is the last one.
Age 16.
I can't feel anything anymore. All I can feel is pain and suffering. I just want to feel happiness and not have to deal with my depression all the time! I need someone! Please....I can't keep fighting anymore....Please help me....Don't leave me alone.... I-I don't mean to push you away and I'm sorry if I do I just cling because I need someone near me to hold me and just tell me "it's going to be alright" or "I'm here"....I don't want to be alone anymore just make this pain go away....
This is the end of age 16...
this is how I truly feel and I just want everyone to know I didn't chose to feel like this it's because I'm broken and I just need someone to help fix me.

(By the way this is all from my notes if any of you are worried I'm fine it's just for my boyfriend to see in the morning because I told him I was going to be more honest with him)