Poems I made for everyone and myself / Thought book

Thoughts: 7-30-20

The days pass by as I face my wall with the music in the background surround me and lead me inside to my thoughts. The thoughts of facts, pain, but also questions.

 The tears the roll down my face, I try to wipe them away, afraid others will notice and feel "bad". 

My heart mingles and I fix the cracks, but a main piece is missing and is not filled because it is gone from my touch. 

My smile is real or fake. It depends on the situation I am in at the moment. My laughter is made or insane.

My mind races as the memories scatter or start to feel like they're being destroyed when all I'm doing is trying to put everything back together.

My body feels uneasy and anxious as I stutter and shake whenever I'm with others.

Silence fills my mouth when I am with "you"...

"You"

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"You" were my happiness. "You" for over 8 months were there when I needed someone to hold and cherish me with love and happiness. "You" made me find true love in us and I finally faced lots of my fears and progressed higher than I ever wanted to go. The adventures we had were spectacular. I never wanted to see an ending on us.

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But...

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The tears fall when on July 8, 2020... 22 days ago... my heart shatters and my mind breaks and I'm scared and wondering, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?". I shiver and bend to my knees and scream your name loudly as no one comes in to comfort me... N o  o n e . . . 

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The bad habits I've wanted to break chains with wrap my neck in threats and make me feel dirty and disgusted to need. 

The glass mirror I've shattered after that night I looked at my self and the glass fell to the floor. The blood on my hand falls coldly as the tears fall down as well in heat. 

My dull eyes face me as the scars and old bruises start to turn bright red as a reminder of what happened to me on January 7, 2019. My hair gets messy as my dull eyes are still starring at me. 

The anger in me is hidden with pain and fear which irritates me and I make sure to not let myself do something irrational to myself for my promises to "you" are in my head. 

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Promises

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All the promises we (I, I don't know if you've kept yours) kept, I look out to the moon just how it was when we went out on Valentines Day as we made that day a new chapter in our amazing relationship. The promise you gave me when I would be free and I loved feeling like I wasn't in chains.

But the chains have returned to me, making me feel regret, guilt and sorrow in my blood.

Your voice echos in my head and your presence makes me shy but scared but the tears form in my eyes as I have to wipe them away or seem like I'm "distracted" when all I want to do is talk to you fully and have you hold me and we can make us strong again...

Healing is strong, but others have different times when they heal.

Time...

Time seems endless which scares me. It seems like forever for what will be in my future as this year has not came out the way we've wanted. 

Our relationship... I wish we can have it again... I want us to be perfect again, I want us

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"ժօղ'է ąçէ ժҽʂքҽɾąէҽ"

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You need to heal but the pain of not having you makes me emotional and alone when everything I did was with you. I have done a lot when you left but it's not the same and I...

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𝕀'𝕞 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕀 𝕕𝕚𝕕 𝕒 𝕗𝕖𝕨 𝕞𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕤 𝕒𝕘𝕠 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕀 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕟𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕡 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝔸𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕟𝕪....

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Everyday when I'm alone, when I'm in the car going to practice and coming out of it, and when it's late night, I'm always thinking... I really have no one to talk to for my problems... 

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𝒲𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒹𝑜 𝐼 𝒹𝑜...?

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~𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕨𝕟/𝕊𝕥𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕒 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕤