I transferred back an forth from Texas and Oklahoma when I younger. My mother was an alcoholic along with my youngest sisters father. My two sisters and I mostly stayed with my youngest sisters grandparents, as home wasn't the best for us. When I turned 10, my mom took Naomi and I up North, to Washington; my mother was tired of her horrible relationship with Robbie. We moved in with her 'boyfriend' who payed for my mothers addiction. Throughout the time living there, I saw new guys coming in and out of my mothers drunken bedroom as her boyfriend was deployed to another state. One night she pressured me and Naomi to try alcohol, I chose the lightest thing they had. I just dipped my finger into the shot glass and licked it off. My sister, on the other hand took a hard shot, excited to try something she new she shouldn't be doing. My mother called me a pussy, and I went downstairs for the night. A few hours later, I heard yelling and rumbling around around, so I went back upstairs to figure out what was happening. My mom, sister, and my mothers boyfriends brother, were hiding behind a cardboard box, throwing a lighter into the fireplace. I went to Ness Elementary then, I met a friend, named Sadie, we were close, I was close with her family. It was another family to me, somewhere I could run if I needed a place to stay. One night when I stayed at Sadie's, one of her older brothers friends kept me up late, tickling me, I was having fun, thought we were being friendly, then he tried to kiss me. I turned away before he could actually plant it, I turned over, trying to go to sleep. I grabbed my waist and tried tickling me more, I was in a bad mood at that point, so I couldn't laugh, I was nervous to what could happen next. I've heard the stories my mom has told, I didn't want that to happen to me. A few months later, my mother got sober, just in enough time for my eleventh birthday. We moved around a lot in Spokane, different houses and apartments. We found one apartment we stayed in for a while, where I met my best friend, Violette. My sister Naomi was very physically and mentally abusive through the years of moving around. I would never fight back, I was scared to hurt someone, anyone. I went to a different elementary school then the kids I lived by due to the elementary school being overcrowded. I didn't like school a lot in elementary and middle school, I would make myself sick so I would be able to go home and get away from the other kids, do my work and read books. once I reached middle school, I was bullied, mostly because of my hair, I was different. I was the shy new kid that no one knew. Other then Violette, who had many friends. I was just starting to try makeup during this time, and my history teacher didn't like that, and told me I cared more about my looks then I did about school, because I never went to her class, she was scary and mean, why would I want to go to her class as a sixth grader? As a seventh grader, I started wearing sweatshirts non-stop to hide the cuts on my arms, I stopped wearing makeup, and again, I would start making myself sick during school to get out of classes. Soon enough, the secretary at the school asked my mother if I was special needs and needed different classes, and that's when I stopped making myself sick, and I just stuck through the long days of being made fun of. Later that seventh grade year, I was sexually assaulted during a maths lesson. It continued to happen, until I worked up the nerve to talk to the teacher, with Violette by my side. I talked to the teacher after the class so students weren't in there, all but one of course. I was trying to be quiet enough so that student didn't hear me talking about the situation, but I couldn't stay quiet over the tears and scratchy throat. He heard what I was saying, and soon enough that would hurt me more. The days felt like they were growing longer, and the year was stretching on. After school, I would sleep, and take multiple showers to get rid of the bullying and sexual assault, the shower was the only time I was able to harm myself, so I wouldn't stain anything with blood. It got better over the summer, I got to see my friends and get out in the sun, even though I still had to wear my long sleeves or sweatshirts. It got bad again, when I witnessed Violette get hit by a car, hearing her high pitched scream, watching her get dragged and being able to do absolutely nothing. I couldn't even call the police, our other friend had to do it instead, I didn't even try, I just handed my phone over instantly as I stood in the same spot, not able to close my eyes. I wasn't able to visit her in the hospital because I was scared to see the damage I caused by not grabbing her arm quick enough. The one time I did go visit her, she looked perfectly fine other then some bruises, but I couldn't help but look away and crying, hearing her scream inside my head. I could sleep right for a month, I could barely close my eyes. Once she got out of the hospital, she had to be on bed-rest, she wasn't allowed to do a lot, and I was finally able to see her, safe and at home. Later that year, she moved to Wisconsin, and I had to say goodbye to my closest and only friend. I went into eighth grade alone, with one toxic friend, the one who witnessed the car accident with me, but it didn't affect her. We were very on and off, she got mad at everything I did, she saw my arm on accident a few times and made fun of me for it, but I believed that's what I deserved, so I kept going back. I dealt with my sister hurting me in the same way, so i thought is was something I needed to learn from. Eighth grade, was a slow year, nothing major happened until the last day of school, and I stopped with my toxic friend at a park, where almost everyone from my grade were hanging out and playing football. We started a small circle and started playing a game of truth or dare. Towards the end of our game, that one kid, who heard me talking about my sexual assault, made fun of me for it in front of everyone. I was ready to go home, to never see the kids again. I thought I was moving back to Texas so I thought I would be okay; we didn't move that summer. My first year of high school, and I had no one by my side, as I dropped my toxic friend. I roamed the halls alone, I didn't talk at all, I didn't want any one to see me or know that I exist in the same world as theirs. I didn't feel like I deserved to live on the same planet as them. I attempted suicide during the first couple weeks of high school, ready to leave a place I thought I didn't belong. I could bring myself to finish the job though, I don't know why, I just couldn't push myself to actually pulling through with it after writing the notes, and setting everything up. A few weeks passed, I was back to wearing my long sleeves and sweatshirts, hiding anything I could from the people around me. For a couple months of high school the routine went on, until I met some people I knew from middle school choir, and I joined in on their friend group, we all became really close. I started drivers ed not too long after getting close with the new group, and I met someone who I probably should've met at a later time. He caught my eye by looking like my celebrity crush, I would text my group about it because we all obsessed over this band. They were excited, and they thought they knew who I was talking about. Another week into drivers ed, I got his name, my friends and I tried to find his social medias, we found his instagram quickly, found his snap- which I added- and we started talking on a daily. I found out he had a girlfriend, but that didn't really stop me. I felt bad for home-wrecking and that later turned on me. I had a good almost two year relationship with this guy. Everything was well, kind of, it was a toxic relationship, we weren't meant to end together, but he taught me a lot. He ended the relationship, and I had just a couple months until school started back up. I got blackout drunk for the first time, I didn't eat anything for a month, I barely slept, I smocked weed, even though I was allergic. I wanted the pain to go away, I lost my best friend, one who was in the group, the closest one I was with. I pushed two people away that summer and I didn't think I'd get them back. Once school started back up, I became best friends with Josie again, and The guy I was seeing texted my friends asking about me. I was slowly getting over him at that point, and he wanted to talk to me. He stopped me in my photography class, as I was talking to a couple of the kids, showing them what could go wrong if they do something to the camera. He said he wanted to get back together, I offered to start off as friends and take it from there, he didn't like that option and persisted on getting back together immediately, I couldn't say no; what if this was it? We had a date planned to go to the carnival later that week. I was excited and nervous, I didn't know what could happen. The carnival date was fun, we kissed on the Ferris wheel, and we left, made out in his car, then he dropped me off at home. Throughout four days of the relationship he had already told me he loved me again. I was nervous to say it back, and I didn't know what was holding me back from saying it so clearly, with out the stuttering or the set back. On that fourth day, he broke up with me, and said he let his dick decide whether or not he still loved me, meaning he was lonely, used me for my body, knowing i'd give it to him. I offered to just stay friends after that, knowing this would never work out as a relationship after he said those few words. We ended up being friends with benefits, but it seemed to me like I was more of just used for sex as he didn't talk to me in public. During this time, he told me I wouldn't be able to get over him, so I hooked up with someone else, in spite of Cameron. I regretted it instantly, but I wanted to prove to myself and him that I didn't need him for sex, that I could have what I wanted, that I could get over him. When I told him, he didn't seem phased. I was pissed at that point, did it not work? how could he brush it off like that? why did I care what he thought? I didn't I just wanted approval that I won, even though I didn't; he was the one winning the whole time. While we were friends, I went to a coworkers house, we were just friends- so i thought- he was dating one of my other coworkers which i was friends with, but that didn't stop him from touching me inappropriately. I couldn't be near him after that night, I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was trying to get it to stop.Fast forward a couple weeks, I tried staying the night at his parents place, like he wanted me too, since they were gone for the weekend. Somethings happened, and Cameron got paranoid, I offered to walk to my car which was just a couple blocks away, and he got mad at me, grabbed my by the shoulders and picked me up with anger in his eyes. I was scared, he's never put his hands on me, its always been something else. I didn't know what to do, I figured he saw the fear in my eyes as he gently set me back down. He drove me to my car and I went home, we didn't talk for a few days after that situation. Around his birthday, He got a girlfriend, and I remember him saying we couldn't be friends if we started dating other people. So, when he told me he was seeing someone, I cut ties with him instantly. I wasn't going to let him have the satisfactory of doing it first. On his birthday, we talked, and he said he needed me, because he needed to talk to someone and felt like I was the only one he could talk to, so I let him talk, said he was upset we stopped talking because he could've used my help in his new relationship. He told me of his problems, how she cheated on him, and how he was thinking of breaking up with her, and I told him that it was probably the best bet. A few days later, he broke up with her, and of course, we started hooking up again- stupid me. After valentines day, him and the girl got back together, Cameron and I stayed friends this time, at least for a short while. I tried talking him out of getting back together with her, because I knew it was a bad idea, he didn't listen, he said he loved her, and I told him he had to get over it like I did with him; he said the most hurtful thing "You had no choice but to get over me". I said okay, and got out of his car so he could go in and talk to her. I started seeing Pryce, a guy I used to get over Cameron. Pryce was controlling and manipulative, on our first date, he tried flirting with the girl Cameron was dating even though I told him not to, and that's what ended mine and Cameron's friendship. All because she saw me with him. I don't know why I even started dating him after that red flag. He pushed me to graduate high school early, because he didn't want somebody younger then him, he said it would make things easier in the relationship- so I did. It was a good decision in the long run, I just wish I could've done it on my own instead of being forced into it. I couldn't have any alone time when we were together, he always wanted to hang out. I couldn't take it, I wanted to game, and he would never let me. He wanted me to be close with his friends but I couldn't get along with them because all of them smoked pot, and I couldn't do it without hurting. When they would come over, we would watch scary movies, no, they would watch scary moves, as I would go down to the basement and play on my phone, then later have Pryce get mad at me for leaving while his friends were there. He knew I didn't like scary movies or games, or even pot but he pushed me to do it or watch it. When I would tell him I had social anxiety so I couldn't talk when a big group of people were there, he'd push me to go out in public and talk to ten random strangers and ask for pictures, because that's what helped him; I just cried when he would make me do that. He didn't want to go out in public a lot anyways, so whats the point? I told him I didn't like him and I broke up with him a couple times, but he insisted on us staying together, and I didn't have anyone else at that point so I felt like I didn't have a choice. Finally, after my birthday, I broke up with him, since he made me cry on my birthday and I wasn't having it. I became friends with the Dildo Family again, and all seemed well. and you know the rest...
