THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS

Sometimes I want to end it all, I don't feel anything, there's this numbness where I can't feel anything. There's a constant state of nothingness. There's no need or want to continue life, there's no desire or wish to fulfill. There's only emptiness in this vast black space. There was loneliness in the beginning but now there's not even that, there's nothing, absolutely nothing. I miss being sad, I miss being able to cry buckets of tears, I miss being lonely and alone because it was all better than to feel nothing, to feel this weird emptiness. I didn't want to be alone but atleast the existence of a feeling was keeping me sane, it's like nothing affects me, bad or good, if it all ends right this second I won't mind, I won't complain, but I want it to end on its on and not because I want it, but maybe it's time everything ends, I hope it's not selfish to want everything to end than just me to end, because I am scared to do so, yes, I am coward and I don't have the courage to do such thing, I can't do it on my own, I just can't, it's too difficult and impossible for me to do it on my own, it may seem like the only option but I hope it's not, I always hope, maybe that's my mistake, because expectations get the very best out of me. It's just that I am tired, very, very tired of everything, it's not about what's making me sad, it's everything that's not affecting me even a bit and I am tired of getting hurt, I am tired of fighting for others, I am tired of fighting for myself which is totally useless at this point to be honest. I want it to end right this second without any second thoughts because the optimist inside of me is dying of trying to keep that hope alive, the hope that everything's gonna be alright, everything's gonna be okay, everything around you will stop hurting, you will feel again, you will get out of this nothingness but maybe this optimist inside of me is a coward who's afraid to see the truth, the bitter truth that maybe everything's gonna stay the same and it's me who has to learn how to deal with it because no matter what the circumstances are, that's what a person does when they are tired, they keep trying even when it all goes in vain, the hope which is keeping me alive and far away from dying. There's really nothing I can do about it and honestly deep down I don't even want to. But still I hope to keep this hope alive, because the optimist's still trying it's best.