Shorts

1

I'm scared. So, so scared. Life is rising up in front of me, a brick wall climbing higher and higher into the sky, beckoning for me to climb it and see what is on the other side. But you see I'm afraid of heights, afraid of falling, afraid of letting go of the only things I know but there is no way under this wall, there is no way around it. I can't go back, I won't let myself, and every day the wall grows higher and higher as I'm pushed closer and closer.

I'm a coward. I would rather run from my problems than face them. This isn't a cause of laziness or neglect but fear. I am too afraid of losing the battles against those monsters but it is building to a war, one that I will fight on my own because it's too late to ask for help.

I'm weak. I try so hard to be strong but the strength I need seems to be just out of my reach. I crumble under the pressure but I don't let anyone see because they must think that I am still strong because if they don't then they will treat me like a fragile glass heirloom that could break under the weight of a feather. I build and rebuild the supports by myself every time they are knocked down but they are being knocked down faster than I can manage.

I'm drowning. The floods of my emotions are rising and I have lost the ability to swim. My feet are like lead as I am dragged deeper and deeper, the light fading little by little. The air is pushed out of my lungs as the pressure grows, I try to suck more air in, try to fill my lungs but they remain empty. My tears lost in the water surrounding me as I lose all hope of rising to the top once more.

I'm lost. I keep trying to find my way home but I am walking in circles, passing the same tree over and over again, no sign of safety just the cold, dark, emptiness of my mind. I keep trying to find myself but the girl I used to be is no where to be found. People tell me to chill but they don't realise that I am screaming for help, they just wish I would go away... So maybe I will, see if they swallow their words or if they go on with their lives like I was never even there.

I'm still lost. I try to take myself away from the people that don't seem to understand me but I keep going back wishing every day that it will be different but it never is, why would it be? Why  do I ever expect anything different when every day it is the same cycle of pain? I wish it was different but it isn't. So I will try to "just chill", I will try to be what they want me to be, I will try to silence the screams of pain and fear inside for otherwise they will be the death of me.

I will take my first willing step towards that wall, I will try to climb it, hoping with all of my being that the other side is a happier place, hoping that the other side is somewhere I can finally be myself without the fear of what others think. The closer I get the smaller the wall seems but the travel there gets longer every day. It is tedious but not impossible. It is the only way

I am not found. But at least I know where I'm going.