Sincerity of your smile

Devoting myself to you

I remember it as clearly as if it happened just yesterday; your cold hands snaking through my hair and my surprised gasp as you pull me into a tender kiss...the heavy beats of my heart as my body freezes.

And your smile- the most beautiful one that I have ever seen, although you surely can argue that I've seen you smile many times before but all of them had a hint of fakeness. But this one, it was a true honest smile, not for long, maybe just for a few seconds but I...made you happy.

Stupid isn't it? Utterly useless thoughts, I'm simply living in my own realm aren't I? Because if that day...I truly have witnessed the great Dazai Osamu smile, and I was the reason then...you wouldn't have left me without sparing me a last glance or a soft goodbye.

Surely, you really don't see any difference between taking a life or saving one, no difference between the port mafia or the detective agency, just the electric rush or adrenaline that you receive is the only fuel, the only drug that encourages you to live another day.

Surely peoples feelings are just useless instincts that don't serve any purpose than distracting you from your task.
And living such a life wouldn't one go insane? You drive people mad, your sick and broken thought process deliberately twisting other's fates!
Like hell would you ever care about me, needless I am to say that death exited you to the point that you are willing to commit suicide at any convenient or inconvenient moment just to see the reactions of those who got attached to your inhumaine persona, to get that one last dose of the same adrenaline rush before you leave for good.

And your death would be a true blessing! Ah, how many souls would be spared from the struggle of trying to figure you out Dazai?!

And even when all the odds are against me...I know that I would jump into fuming flames just to save you, I would sacrifice everything I have for a person that toys with people, for someone that messed my whole life up.
And the reason is that I desperately want to know the truth behind that smile.

Because...could you possibly...truly...honestly, felt at least a minuscule amount of real pure love?

And I will grip on to that last hope.
Grant me a wish now...will you?
All I want to make you smile again, Dazai osamu.