People often seem to wonder if there is a life after death. Asking ourselves if we deserve to go to hell or heaven. I believe we live in both hell and heaven as we breath everyday here on earth. We feel both pain and joy while being alive. Once were dead its all over .
My name is Patricia Fortes and I my dear have been through hell living here on earth. Yet I have experienced moments that I believe can only be described as being able to taste a lil bit of heaven. Today I find myself in Great Bend ,Kansas. First place I have ever lived in other than my lovely chuco town. El Paso Texas. Not only did I not see this move coming much less the events leading up to this drastic change. Last year my world made a drastic change that no one saw coming which is why I sit here today in my older sister's living room writing this lil story. Not so much for people to understand why I am the way I am but for my children never to forget who their momma was. I never gave up because of them. And I will continue to fight till my last aching breath to see them strive to be the best they can be. As long as I can remember I have always been the go to sister the one that could get you out of a hole help you financially ya know the captain save a hoe. But this time I needed a captain save a hoe patty and I’m glad I found mine. So last year I met the devil himself. I must admit he was a handsome looking motherfkr but all at the same time I couldn’t look at him straight in the eye without feeling my soul would be taken away. February 2018 my heart was broken by a man I gave my soul to . I loved him so much and did anything and everything I could for him .We dated for about 4 years which were the best yet worst . Well during the time we dated he cheated I looked past it till one day I said fck it . Why try and be faithful to a piece of shit that kept hurting me. So Johnny had finally gotten a job going out of state. But every fckn time I either got a call that he was in an accident had to bail him out or my favorite he came home with his phone full of messages of other bitches he was seeing at whatever state he was in. This particular time he came home he promised he would stay . There was no more going out of state that he wouldn’t leave my side. This is when my body started feeling weak I started hurting my arms ached so badly I couldn’t lift them up . I thought it was carpal tunnel and figured it would eventually go away . But it didn’t. While he was here my son got pneumonia and had to be admitted to the hospital and my grandma had a stroke which drs thought she wouldn’t make it through. My son was finally released and I came home on a Friday from visiting my grandma to hear the love of my life tell me he was leaving again. After all the promises he had made to not do that. I was so angry hurt furious I walked away from him and left for the casino. After my anger calmed down there I went looking for him at chuys house since that’s where he claimed he was going to be . surprise surprise they weren’t there. They were at a bar. Being that he had to leave that night I wanted to make things right . as if I had fucked up. Well I ended up going to the greyhound station. I knew he had missed his bus then I heard him telling his boss it was me that made him late. I got fucking pissed got his phone and threw it to my surprise he did the same to me . I recall him saying now we're both going to jail . once I hit the fckn floor I got up and well broke his fckn nose. So that was pretty much the end of us . I knew we could never see each other the same . we had crossed a line of no return. Then I started doing crystal meth . I felt so energetic so on top of my shit always on the move ya know felt what the drug was supposed to make you feel. My best friend Cory never left my side while I was going through this breakup . We once spent the whole weekend at the casino to make rent. So at the casino I bumped into my middle school crush Israel Hyatt. This is when things started getting worse for me. A mutual acquaintance told me and Cory that he was bad news. That him and his girl Annie were into some sadistic bs which I tried to get away from but I was so stuck on the meth that I kept fckn w them . I ended up selling all of my belongings, our beds , the pool table, everything I had worked so hard to have. Well around this time I had decided to go to the dr cuz my body kept aching and come to find out I have severe rheumatoid arthritis w an underlining of lupus. Never thought how bad it was till I ended up in a hospital bed 2 weeks ago and made the decision to come to butt fuk nwhwre Kansas..During this time that we would go to the casino everyday we met a guy named jay. He had hit the jackpot a couple times one night and almita didn’t want to leave till I made her. So the next day we go to his hotel room this fool had a shit load of stuff meth heroin cocaine weed guns just everything. Well to sum shit up real quick due to me always selling coke and doing pretty good at it I made jay an offer he fronted me merchandise and well due to the quality of the cocaine I must say I made quite some profit in one day. Well anyway me and Isreal went to the casino where I met this bitch named karma . well needless to say not a good person to have met she had asked for my phone and when izzy found out he got extremely pissed and said that bitch just got all ur fckn info. I was like whatever.This is where shit got even more fckn weird . so that afternoon I meet w jay to reup and I get a call for this so called karma . I think nothing of it and go on about my day. Night time comes and again I meet up w jay but this time at the casino cuz well that’s where I was gonna be. So we chill play for a bit do our thing and go our own way. Out of nowhere this btch karma comes and tells me to tell izzy that the feds just got jay and that were surrounded by feds. Mind you this female had no fckn way of knowing that I knew jay one I had just met jay the day before 2 I just met this bitch this morning. So I tell her to step the fuck off and call izzy . ask him what in the hell is going on . He tells me to dip to what I tell him he's fckn crazy . if the feds see me leave all scared after they just popped this fool and this bitch came to talk to me ima look suspect not only that i'm already a damn convicted felon w the fds and am currently fighting another damn felony charge w the state so hell the fck no Im not gonna cause no attention to come my way . so I give it a good 10 min to make sure karma has left the building and whaddayaknow.. this btch I only steps ahead of me . y me dice la pendeja. Damn there's the feds I don’t want them to see us together I was like bitch we aint together. So im in my fckn car getting ready to leave and what do ya know fckn feds arresting this karma bitch right at my passengers side. Mind you I had just scored from jay so I had my weed in my trunk and my coke stashed in my middle council. Im thinking im fcked . another fckn charge just cuz my dumbass loaned this bitch my phone. So I get off my car thinking ima get rushed, thrown to the floor, and questioned all this bs ya know. Pero no nada zero zilch… not a damn agent stopped me not a damn security guard idd me nothing just let me right back into the casino.
So let me go back to this already convicted felon thing . back in 2007 around there some dude peluso had always asked me to work with him . meaning selling drugs . I knew him threw my bro in law and well needless to say we haven’t always been the goodie tooshoos type of people . We have always been involved in selling drugs and things that are not legal at all. Now don’t worry ima make sure that if this book gets published no one knows who its coming from . well my dad used to take us on a lot of trips when we were younger. Went to disnyland universal Studios, and a shit load of other places. We thought it was just for fun but come to find out when I was 12 he was transporting things . This is the main reason as to why I have been so bluntly honest with my kids. I hated the fact that we were lied to that my daddy hadn’t been outta town working rather he was in jail and was going to be deported for moving coke and weed around the us. So my momma had to work for the first time ever in her life and I decided to drop out of school and work to help her out. Well I also decided to sell weed. Lol. My momma caught me once with 3 sacs and a 100 dollar bill. Said she was gonna call the cops on me and flushed the weed but kept the 100. Hahhhahh so I told my lil sister almita to go to the toilet and grab as much weed as she could. I think I was able to save a lil more than a sac . momma said she considered the 100 as a brive for her silence. So mind you I knew I was gonna be able to get away with it . The next couple years I kinda calmed down and had my baby girl but then I got back who I thought was the love of my life. My husband . so I ended up going to live w hm to juarez cuz we got pregnant w my baby boy. Haylee isn’t aldos dgtr which you could never tell the difference not by the way they look but by the way he has always seen and treated her . well that’s when my drug dealing life got a lil more intense . We rented a house by were both my grandma and his momma lived. Gosh I remember it would be so damn annoying that he always had to go see his momma before coming home to me . oh and he hated the way I cooked . my daddy always used a lot spices and he didn't like that one bit but due to the fact that I ws sodamn selfish I thought fck him he can choose to eat or not as long as my family liked it I cooked the way I was taught. So I started working at a hotel which is when I first met Crystal M. that devil I knew better then to fck w her but money called my name . a guy offered to leave me some and let me keep the profit just had to pay him back what I was fronted. One of the girls that was staying w him at the hotel told me how she lost 90 lbs in 2 months just being on it . at the time I was pregnant so using it was not an option. So instead I would cross coke from jtown to ep whenever I knew I could sell it . well time went by and me and my husband decided it was time for us to try and make a better living here or there in ep. It was halloween when he decided to cross over and fck it was one of the most nerve racking feelings I have ever experienced . well thankfully he made it here but we started were we left off in juarez. Selling coke. What can I say we were good at it . knew the people who wanted it knew where to get it for cheap. So we lived I an apt on betel and we were ok . We were happy till I decided to not have any more kids. Went to the dr got my tubes chopped tied burnt made sure I could never again have another child. Which I never thought 10 years later I’d regret my decision . well get to that later though. Well needless to say that hurt my husband very much. So much he ended up leaving me . he said that it was cus I thought I was too much of a bad ass cuz I had papers and he didnnt but I nkew deep down that his heart was and will continue to e in juarez w his momme and his family. Well one night right after he left right after my surgery my ciusin Mario showed up at my front door fuecked upp as hell. My front door neighbor which always looked aftetr mw called me told that this dudue was getting nanked in front of my door . when I saw it ws my cousin I ignored it. A lil bit later cops come knocking on my door this fool half naked and asks if I knew him I sid yes but tke him. This dumbass mothafckr told the cops we were selling coke to him reason he was looking for us. Smh . I ended up calling my tia and told he what had just happened and the bithc hated me after that lol . lo Bueno k yo nunca eh negado lo k soy menos se ser hipocrita. Ahi al kien le caiga el saco pos make sure you wear it w pride bitchs. Anyway well that was that I kept fckn around w the meth dude did couple plays w him got some money it was ok. And then I upped my game a lil . started crossing shit from jtown to ep. Did it for a good year or so before I got caught or set up as I know I did. The day I got caught man I fckn knew it . I was on the phone w myy friend Javier and remember telling him .. y mi javi aki estuvo ya se me cayo la oiche cobija k llevava encima . worst of all I had my kids w me . never had I done a run w my kids but I remember it being rosys bday and me not having anything to give he wtf hw van that be so I went to pick up a gold bracelet I had sent to get made for her and thought fck it might as well take a load. Well let me tell you why I got set up. A few months earlier there was no fckn work and mind you I got used to getting 2 to 3 grand a week having my nails done hair did so in my eyes I was hurting. So I decided to call my husband told him id makea trip for his people. Which I knew was not a good idea cuz then is when they were killing a shit load of fools in jurez. Including my uncle and cousin. I remember my boss telling me he had a surprise gor me. So ck it I hadto tke mine. I knew what I had done and I had to pay my dues. Now about my uncle and my cousin. Before I got popped at the bridge my uncl had just ben kidnapped and murdered by a childhood friend o ours that my cousin wasn’t in good terms w cuz of the usiness ya know. Well my ciusin had been hiding cus he knew they wanted to kill him so when they went to pick up my uncle he like the bad ass man I always thought of him being didn’t give them any infoo on my cousin . and they fckn killed him. He came out on the news nd everything I remember talking to my tia and her saying mija es el es tu tio es el.. chingagda madre puto coraje rabia pinche shaggy culero . but I kne my cousin would get his. Well needless to say he did. Now my cousin Charlie we were only 3 days apart he was is like my broher. His death fcked me up beyond believe . made me a bitter more heartless bitch. My momma though fck shes theone that had to see them both . had to claim there bodies saw them coth shot upmfull of blood. When my tia yuli called my tia anas house and said ya mija ya lo encontraton lo balasearon. Yo ni cuenta k he was missing. I had n fckn idea . so it was a complete shock to me that my cusin that mamon creido panzon kmtanto adoraba me mataron.. I was already on pretrial by this tie so I couldn’t cross to juarez. So I lied to my family and told them I had gotten permission to go to his funeral . I remember mayras face when we were crosiing back to ep when I kinda admitted I had lied. Pobre wei . always known all my fckn diabluras but never ratting me out. Love ya my captain save a hoe patty . fyi. She brought to Kansas w pure lies lies I tell you . she said it was warm weather no bitch it 50 degrees out always cludy and mind you we had a damn tornado warning yesterday . mothafckrs I ran .. lol talk about me looking like a damn penguin . my bitch ass was a fckn penguin on ice .. gliding my ex fat ass to
the Walmart across from us for shelter. Anyway well his funeral was the worst thing I think I have been thru other than this past year of my life. They called him Winnie . when I got out of prison I got a tattoo of winniw the pooh in his honor. I remember the first time I did exctasy I remember talking to him . right before I got locked up. Remember him tellingme to let him rest lredy . to stop crying for him . he was right in the corner of my bed . como llore esa noche . I think it was the last night I cried about his death . till today. Cuz fck it hrts thinking they took him away from us over fckn drugs . which shooulda taught me to walk away from them but on the contrary I have never been able to step away from them till now. Reason my sister mayra is my captain save a hoe patty. Si n fuera por ella l neta me estuarian kitando a mis hijos te tan mal k nos estava llendo. My kids though.. fck they re the real mvps to honest. They have been thru everything w me and trust me this is not even half the shit that’s happened to us.
Its one of them days, I anat stop thinking ofihm . efeything I thiksseny fckn makes me think ofnwhtadick head he was .mand more so makes ne relizewhata true man is husband . llore llore llore perdoname por jugar el estupido juego k decididste jugar desde chvilto . tal ve nadie te eneno voo amartal ves nnca supiste como amar . ni atu propia madre. Uviara aaverme dado cuantome di cuenta k ni en tu ihja ensavas te iste por vencido sin trratar de peliar por su amor su cario su ser. Chingadmare k tipo de perona no lucja por sus hijs. Hoyn me di cunta k tan buen pare son la choncha y mi cuano . . no fui a l evento de mi rosy flores paranver kntanto la kiere su pap. Yo se k yo no soy nadie para jusga mucho menos para decider k taaaaant es el amor de un padre asia a su hijo o hija. I hate ke this
I this cryig thinking the what if . what If I would’ve never cheatd wht if I was loyal what if I was blinded the whole wy hru what if I diceded to keepmyself in a relationship that mayvehe ws never ever eve gonna be truthful to me . am I better off being alone am I better of ssufferig missing him . ot thing you all failn to realzenis that I do ave feelngs n bery stron ones. I know ho to love I know how to be faithful I just cnt be fake . that’s my downfall I cntt be fake. Goodness this book jornal whatsoever the fck u wnna call it needs a lot of correction on thespelling part . I hate youn johnny I so fckn hate what you made me go thur . I don’t blame you for the situtio im in . I blame yo fo letting me be in this ituation. When you love someone no matte how wng they have done you you stnd by there side you let them know ythat they ar not alone . ho many fckn times did you tll me that it ws only you 3 you fckn 3 in el paso and I always made it point fo you not yo be alone . I made it a poit fo you to be loved feel loved feel like you had a family. But onc I needed that forml you you just wlked away te fuist con la pinche cund y te valio madre. Te valio maf=dre como esgtavamo yo los nins mi famillia te valio repurititititita madre . pero una cosa te juro y te lo dje del principio . me revolcare me dare en la puta madre , pero nunca nunca te lo juro por mi padre dios nunc me voyn a dar por vencida. Much menos hoy ya k estoy tan ljos de todos de todo k me causo ser la perra en la k me convertiste.. hahhahah no te creas.,perra siempre eh sido . solamente k pocas personas asen k eso salga de mi y afortunadamente o desafortunadamente para ti esa perra la conociste. . you lied to me so many fckn times so let star. When I met you I hoght you where a damn dykke. Lol you where pretty cure to be honst . then pone day I heard you y that you and your fiancée would fighty ovr he damn lighter . lol I guess that’s when I found out you where a man. Then then it wasnthe best yet worst mistak ive evr done . I danced w you. At cinci east. Was that one time michelle was all pissed ccus you where suppose to meet her at someone elses place and be w her . ssh so this is what depression is . I lwys thought it ws sothig inside your he somthijg that you can just make believe will go away . but the sddness just doesn’t leaec you asuch as you a asmuch as you thik its only in your damn head its not. Its in your headi your heart I your fckn mind everything seems so damnsad seems like you ddt desr3 all the shit that you have gone thru seems that youndidnt deserve hald of the shit you bee thru but god knowsmwhy hes making you go thru this god know=sthat your strong and damn it by fckn hell god know that I will be okn I will succeed I will be better and more then likely I will have my fckn happy ending dyiing next to a man that loves me tht would give anything for me . y si no me ekivoko ese hombre va ser mi hijo . pinche chavalo neta k me a aombrdo todo lo k a echo por I . fck I remember hen I first ws oregnant by hi I seriously thought of having a abortion .but deepdown I knew I could never kill my own flesh . much less once his daddy told me he knew and he wanted t tlk. Now I might say that johnny was the love of my life but the love of my entire life is him . aldo fortes. Ese ….ese… es un hombre a kien nunca nadie va a poderncomparre. That man took my dghtr knowing she wsnt his took my son putting side all the tmes I told him tht he wsnt his. N0w wether he is orisnt doesn’t matter . not cu sim hiding anything bugt cus just like he lovevd my Haylee I know he wouldv loved my son. What do I want at th end of all this . I want my amily .the family always dreamed of . mynkids smy huband and myself w a whit pickedfnced hou and a dog . my damn dogs sis what im missing right now . I nee them I miss them I wanna per themn I wann ahea tem staracht at the damn fdoor I wanna hear my damn venus barking which she rarely doesn. I wana hear y rolypoly beingallnbrathear then fightinh growling at ach other. Fck ffck fck fckn fck fckn fck fckn f ccn fkcnf nci podgiasiugaw9gua0faoysrgoyawo9u-g9u fck youn agel qurqu you killed my Hercules you killed the one thing my son wanted and was taking care of you made my fckn life a iving fckn hell . you were the main reason we came to Kansas. So I swear I neer have a dull moment in my life. Last night there ws another torndo wrning I don’t know if I have mentioned it before but I have relly bd rehmatiod arthritis and buddy this tondo thig aint cool. Make s me get some damn energy from omehwenere where I cacn literaaly run to getin and out the truck to go to a safe place that has a basement I have been seriously thinking of staying here hopefully get my disability and purchase HOE WITH A FCKN BAEMENT . well lets go back to the lling spree in juarz a couple years back . so after they killed my cousin I ws sent to prison for 5 months and regardless of wht aot of people my think im glad I got to go cuz if not I think I would also be dead by now . when they caught me t the bradge I had my kids w me fckn wrst mistKE of my life when they hndciffed these son og bitches like tackled me now come on npw im 5 ft 1 160 lbs at the fckn border . why in the hell was thre a need to fckn tackle me and bruise my legs all up I have o fckn clue. One thing I did like hough is that when they had me handcuffed them assholes walked me thru where my kids where waiting for my sister mayra to get me . therefore there captain yelled at them told them to have some fckn consdertion, which I thought was pretty cool. Well at the time that I was going thru all that my es fiancée juan was overseas in Iraq .he ended up brekig up w me duw to my illegal activiti but mostof all cuz he met someone over there. Told me itassnt gonna work out. I had thought about joining the military when I was w him I was so close yet so far. And that’s when I went even more to hell. When I came out of rison I was on th monitor for another 5 months and ws on probation for 4 years. Ooooo buddy I thnk that as my whoing around peak. I must admit I had a lot of fun. I remember I sd to tell my po that I was working late during Christmas season so I could go out drnking w my sister. Lol one of the few tings I lied about. Prison wasn’t that bad actually I met amazing people in ther yet saw how greety and mean ohere can be. Good thing for me is that I have always beenone to keep to myself. But this is where my love for plauing pool got more intense. To the point that I actually bought my own pool table when we livedin ashwood then moved to the celins apts w it and after he break up had to sell it to be ble to make ends meet. Which is when I got caught up w Israel and all these fckrs that I kne where bad news. But there I went fckn around w the bd ons. Well fter jay gotpoppe at thecasino m an almt went to ee ome dude named dlan tht she ws fckn around w . dude claimed to not know who jay and joke were wjic was jays cousin . So that night almita endedup owing some money for some work she had gotten from him . which like always I ended up having to pay her debt which truth be told I ddnt mind. Well I asked him to meet me at walmt that ight so I can pay him back but wile wlkingarounf at walmrt I sae I speking to lot of people which I thought was kinda normal due to the fact that he was a meth dealer. So when johnny had left me the guy he bought the car from told me that the car had ben reported stolen and this dik head told him I had the car and that I didn’t wann give it back that he could go to Texas and pick it up if he needed to do so . fckn piece of hit totally threw me nder the bu rather thn pay for hat he had promisd / no mind you I understand tht e hd n kids that hd no marriage but what the fck does 4 fkn years of y life worth ? after all I did maintain u the whole time . was always dealing some sort of drug he never worried about rent bills food not a ckn thing therefore I thought I deservd that atleast a fckn car that me and my children can rely on . well obvoisyluy I ws pssed as fck . told everyone and there damn mother that the car I was driving was stolen cus my ex just dropped me like nothing. On a bright note I knw someone that was able to confirm wether the car ws or was not stoln nd thank god it ws nt. However I never told anyone that cus first I didn’t have no titlw no insurnc nothing . well when were leaving Walmart I ask this dude if he want to go play poolat my place there as no one thre not even my kids and I gotta admt I was curious to know who he was. Well while being at my place he played some pool and I ws serving my cst which he hd no idea I was selling coke . well upon the convo that we were having he mentioned his homegirl had just gotten out of rison that her an her cousin came up on 2 ks of white . lil by lil hes story got more and more elaborate and I just thought to myslf that this fckr was either dan snitch or a young ass undercover tht had no idea how to play this fckn game. He told me about hi dad being a sherff and oe mch tme he had done tht he had a dhtr and all this bs ut I never really told him much about me . well this is whe my hell egan. He offered me to drive him andhis boss around to make dropand do dhit for thrm . no on thing I have alays been againt of is working for anyone else especially after bing caught at the border. So I declined the offer. Ten he went on asking to rent my car buy t off me fix papers for it like really fckn insistent on making a trade for the car which again I decliniced. Now what fcked me up even more was that he never took a hit of meth nr weed nothing . yet I never asked if he was a cop I truthfully wanted to see hw far I cn get or to that fact how far he would go to try and I guess get me or my sister caught up. But oh no shit still gets better . the next day me and cory were aitingon Stefan to hook us up w somework . when I told him that I was talking to Israel he told me a fcked up story . told me that when we were in high school they murdered someone . some kids at some party had gotten fcked up and they killed him . some dud paul that was there with us was he one that leaned up all the blood and told me the story . which is when shit started adding up a lil more but not in a good way. Well come to find out that they pray to the Santa muerte and tht shit fck that shit scares the fck outta me. So me and y baly ass decided to take Cory w me to go talk to tis dude Dylan . I wanted them to understand that me and my siter weren’t cuaghtup in no bs that all we did was use drugs. Well when talking to this Dylan guy Cory is in the car just making sure I was ok. So when I tell Dylan I think you’re a nitcch an undercover something fool and all I’m here to say is that we are in no way affiliated w these people on that level we ju buy drugs. He ends up telling me all he knows about karma Israel and everyone I pretty much mentioned. So as I’m getting ready to leave I saw him the fckn devil those fckn eyes his stature the way walked . so he gets close to us seemed pretty upset and asks who I was . dude tells him I’m his girls sister to what the devil said oh so you’re our new driver . I kind of smirked ya know shit was kind of scary then .. then this Is where things got a lil more fucked up. He looks at Cory and asks who heis . I told him hes just my homie I needed someone to go w me us I had no idea what the fck I was getting myself into . well then he asked… do you make yourself responsible for ny action this man takes. To what I responded no….. I will take responsibility for any action this man might take towards you cu sim the one that brought I’m here but never did Cory look up this devilish man said good. That’s the best response you could a given me and walks away
