My Erratic One-shots

Paroxysm

This is a KhunBam/Khutz (from Tower of God) short AU. Please enjoy!

A paroxysm; the sudden outburst of emotion. What would you do if you experienced that right in front of the person you least want to see you in that state? Would you feel ashamed of yourself and just run away or would you just let it all out? I did the latter. Did I regret it? Probably, but it was the only chance that I can show him my true feelings. Even though I knew that those feelings are not mutual between us. And that fact will never change.

It was a rainy afternoon when that happened. We were in the mall finding the best ring that could fit the one he loves. "Hey Bam, do you think Hatz will like this?" He asks with that smile I could never ignore. The smile that made it even harder for me to let him go. I smiled back at him and answered, "Khun, whatever you buy for him, I'm sure he'll love it.". He then again smiled and looked at the ring as if it was something ever so precious for him. Though it is true. Since that will be the indication that binds them together for a long time. Even thinking about it makes me bitter. Khun bought the other things he wanted to give him for his proposal. And I was there behind him telling him that he'll love them. Every time Khun gets all giddy when buying those things slowly makes my heart shatter. I feel like I could just puke off my whole heart. All I could feel was bitterness and jealousy even though I already accepted it.

After doing the final preparations, we took a break and sat at a nearby bench. " Damn, I'm feeling so nervous right now. I hope Hatz will say yes." Khun said with a worried look painted in his face. I was more nervous than him. Since there is only an hour left before he is finally engaged and soon will be the spouse of Hatz. I was feeling awfully uneasy. I keep on tapping my water bottle and sweating profusely. Thinking about how Khun will finally be married soon makes me feel all kinds of things. All these emotions suddenly rushed into me. Many thoughts keep on going through my brain. I didn't even realize that Khun was already calling me. "Hey, Bam, are you okay? Do you feel sick?" When he was about to touch my forehead to check my temperature, I slapped it away absent-mindedly. I got surprised by my own actions and apologized. "Bam, you've been acting strange recently. You know you can tell me anything, I'm your best friend." Khun said with a reassuring look on his face. "Yeah. We are... just best friends." I said while smiling bitterly. "What?" Khun asked. There was no turning back anymore. I knew that I have to say it sooner or later. All these emotions have rapidly been growing inside of me that I can't control them anymore. "Khun, I've liked you since we were in high school. I liked how intelligent you are, how you could respond to anyone's bullshits about you, how cool you act, and just.. almost everything about you. However, I knew that you liked someone already so I kept all these feelings by myself." I felt a tear falling down my cheek so I quickly wiped it then I continued. "Even though it hurts me, I accepted that fact and just kept on staying as your friend. I thought that as the years go by, all these feelings I had for you will just slowly drift away but I was wrong. It just keeps on getting stronger to the fact that I hated it. I hated how I still keep on liking you even though I understand fully how you already like somebody else." I felt a lump in my throat and felt like I couldn't breathe because of all these emotions. Heck, I couldn't even stop my tears from falling down my face so I just let them be. I wanted to stop but I knew I had to continue. "I keep telling myself to stop and just not think about you even just for a day but I can't find myself to let you go. Maybe it was because of the fact that I've been liking you for so long and that we've always been together that I can even bear to think that it will all be gone one day. All our bondings and fun will stop and that just scares me. But I knew that whatever happens, this feeling won't be returned back to me so I have to give up." I smiled and looked at him for the last time. "Thank you, Khun for letting me like you from all these years. Thank you for letting me experience what it's like to hang out with you. I hope you will love Hatz twice as much as I have loved you. I wish you two all the happiness from this world." I said then I stood up getting ready to go. "Then, goodbye, friend!" I bid him and tried to smile as wide as I can. I started to turn around and go home but then he told me something. "Bam, thank you. Thank you for liking me even though you know I can't return those feelings to you. Thank you for understanding me. I.. I am sorry too. For hurting you like that. I know you can meet the one that's for you... I'm sure of it. I'm sure he can return you the same feelings twice as much as you do and can make you happy all the time. Again, thank you, Bam." Khun said with that smile again that I always liked. I liked that smile so much that it hurt me. I wanted to cry more but I know I should stop. I just tried to smile at him again one more time and said, "I sure hope I will" then I started to walk my way home.

I can't maintain my proper face as I walked. I would start connecting my eyebrows and bite my lip whenever I feel like I'm about to cry. That was it. That was the last time I ever was able to talk to Khun with just us. I was alright with it though because I was able to let my feelings out.

In the end, I was never able to let go of my feelings towards him. I tried to date some guys and try to love them as much as I loved him but I just couldn't. I have accepted my fate a long time ago and just bear the pain of not being the one chosen.

A paroxysm; the sudden outburst of emotion. It is something I wasn't able to avert. It was a burden I carried until I grew old.