ι'м τιяє∂..

Part one.

THIS STORY HAS SENSITIVE TOPICS! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. (S.H IN THIS CHAPTER)

Part one:

I sat up, my back was pressed against the wall and my head was tilted up slightly. I gazed down at the knife in my right hand, my face was stained with tears. Blood dripped down my wrist and onto my hand, reaching my finger and falling onto the floor. I felt weak, hopeless, unwanted.

"Dinner is ready Rai!"

I tilted my head back down, I dropped the knife onto the floor and wiped my face with a tissue. It dampened slightly from the tears, I stood up and walked into the bathroom. I grabbed a towel and wiped away the blood from my wrists, even after a few wipes, my wrists were still bleeding. I placed a small hand towel around them and walked back into my room, grabbing my hoodie and slipping it on. I pulled the sleeves down and looked into the mirror, I smiled and opened the door. Walking downstairs and sitting at the table with my little sister and my mom. My mom looked up at me, a little concerned.

"You took a while, is everything okay honey?"

I smiled up at her and nodded.

"Yeah, sorry Mom I'm just not that hungry"

My little sister looked up with a sad expression on her face. She was only 13 and had already dealt with alot of my problems. You would think a 16 year old like me should look after his younger sister.. not the other way round. Her and mom have been coming to multiple doctor appointments, therapy sessions and mental hospitals with me, since I was 12 years old. Nothing seems to work, or.. sometimes it does for a while. But it creeps back to haunt me. I'm not sure what it is. But it's more than depression. Ella (Little sister) put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a warming smile.

"Eat something for me Rai"

I sighed and both girls looked at me. I know I'm a bother to them.. I can't do anything for them. I just sit around in my room, overthinking. They do everything they can to try "fix" me. I've told them to give up, nothing is working. But still to this day they keep trying. I've been diagnosed with anorexia. Anxiety. Depression. Ptsd. I don't know how i got this bad. It must've been a mix of all the problems I've kept in over the years. I shut myself away and push people out of my life so I don't hurt them. I always think that's why dad done what he did then left.. I shook the thoughts out of my head and snapped back into reality. I looked over at mom and Ella. I cut into my food and took a bite, they smiled and made sure i swallowed it. I took a few more bites and pushed away my plate. I hadn't eaten alot.. but It was more than enough for me. My mom sighed and got up, kissing my cheek.

"Please take your meds Rai"

I look away and go silent. After she walks to the sink I walk upstairs. My meds don't do shit. They make me worse in the long run. Mom thinks I take them, but all I do is throw them out or hide them. I opened the door to my room and took off my hoodie, the towels on my wrists were soaked in blood. I took them off and washed them in the sink in the bathroom, I leant on the sink and looked up at myself in the mirror. I'm a mess. My hair covered part of my face and was fairly long and scruffy. My eyes were still slightly red and puffy. I got some tissue and started to wipe off the blood from my wrists. It had finally stopped bleeding constantly, I looked through the bathroom cabinet and grabbed out the first aid kit. I pulled out some bandages and wrapped them around my wrists, the pain didn't worry me much. I was practically numb anyway, maybe if i felt pain atleast I'd be able to feel emotions. I put the first aid kit away and walked into my bedroom, Ella was stood by the wall. The knife was in her hand. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked up at me.

"YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T DO IT AGAIN. RAI THIS NEEDS TO STOP! PLEASE JUST STOP!"

Her words ran through my head, I looked away. Disappointed in myself.

"I promise alot of things.. Never been able to keep them though.."

She put the knife down and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me. Her tears stained my shirt and I bit my lip.

"Please.. stop doing this to yourself Rai, for me. Please.."

I wrapped my arms around her gently, a tear rolled down my cheek and I mumbled.

"I'll.. try.."

This hurt. This was pain. I hated hurting her like this, she was only 13 and I swore I wouldn't let her go through what I did. I dont tell her much, I dont tell anyone much. But.. I think.. I'm just hurting her more this way..

"Thank you.."

I held onto her tightly.

"You should get some sleep we have school tomorrow"

She pulled away from the hug and looked up at me before looking down at the floor.

"You're right, goodnight Rai.."

"Night Ella"

She walked out and closed the door, I let out a sigh and picked up the knife from the floor. I put it in the bathroom and walked out, I walked over to the closet and pulled out some pyjamas. I slipped them on after taking my clothes off. I walked over to my bed and layed down, getting under the covers and staring up at the ceiling. My mother opened the door and walked up to me, she sat on the end of my bed and gave me a warm smile. I hid my arms under the covers so she wouldn't notice the bandages.

"You okay?"

No.

"Yeah I'm fine Mom"

I didn't like lying to her but I'd rather not explain why I'm not okay. Plus she probably knows already, I'm never really okay.

"Okay, goodnight sweetheart"

She kisses my head and gets up, walking over to the door.

"School tomorrow"

I sighed and nodded at her. She walked out and closed the door behind her. I layed there, looking up at the ceiling again.

School is hell but worse. Actually. I'd probably rather be in hell, Atleast that way I'd be dead. At school, I'm a whole new person. No body knows the truth and never will. I kept all my secrets about my mental and physical health away from it. None of the teachers are aware of my conditions. Like everyone else, they all think I'm this funny, happy, cheerful, bright and lovely guy.
It's all an act of course. But I'd rather not tell my problems to the school like its a grand announcement in the hall or on social media. I go to an all boys school and it's a nightmare, but it's better since Ella isn't there. It sounds mean but I don't want her going behind my back and telling people my issues or what's wrong with me. It's alot easier if people don't know. It means i don't have to waste my breath. They wouldn't care anyway. All they would say is:
"It's okay"
"You're faking it like others"
"Well they'll be better days"
"Just be happy"
"Move on"
No one understands so I keep to myself. It's as simple as that. I've lived like this since i first started high school. I've gotten used to putting on a smile for 7 hours a day. 5 times a week. Sometimes more if i get invited out. I can live like this for alot longer but...

I'm tired..