Off Limits ✔

19. You are Enough

I stared at her while slowly absorbing every word she just said. "Dark episode? What are you talking about?"

She signaled me to scoot over so that she could lie down next to me. Then she took my hand again, intertwined her fingers with mine, and rested them on her stomach. "When I met your dad, I knew that he and Katherine had a history. I should have been warned, but I was too blinded by love."

"So, Dad and Katherine dated back in college?"

"No, but they'd had a fling before Sam came into the picture." My mom paused and closed her eyes as the sun peeked out from behind the cloud. "Anyways, Katherine was already engaged to Sam when I was introduced to them. I could tell she was so head over heels for him, and they looked so happy. James was genuinely happy for them, too. So, I told myself that I shouldn't be worried about his past with Katherine."

"Were you, though?"

It took her a few seconds before replying, "Yes, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. James assured me it was nothing serious, and he was already past it way before we met."

"And you believed him?" I knew I was being noisy again but I just couldn't help it.

"Yes and no." She sighed. "Despite what he said about Katherine, I noticed that he cared for her more than a friend would. But again, the three of them weren't just friends, they were very tight. And if there was something more going on between James and Katherine, Sam would have noticed it. So, I kept saying to myself that my insecurity was one hundred percent on me. It was my own problem to solve. James had done his part."

I squeezed her hands gently to show my support.

"Weeks after the wedding, Katherine and Sam went back from their honeymoon with good news. They were pregnant with Dean."

"Ah, I remember that story. Not long after that, Dad took you on vacation to Japan, and there I was conceived."

"Yes." She tilted her head in my direction, smiling at me. "After learning about the pregnancy, James proposed and I said yes. I knew I shouldn't jump into a marriage that fast, given how little we'd known each other at that point. But I was young, impulsive, and hopelessly infatuated."

"Do you regret it now?" I asked. For some reason, I held my breath while waiting for her answer.

"Regret is not the word to put it, but I would have done it differently." She paused a little before continuing, "I'd move in with him and raise our child together, but being married is another thing. I'd wait until we were both settled with what we wanted."

Hearing her answer, I began to wonder if I was the reason they were forced to be married, which meant I was also the reason my mom went through all this pain. What if I was never conceived? Would they now end up with a different partner and live happily ever after?

"However, we were so ecstatic with the pregnancy and it felt right to just make it official. We then got busy with my moving in and making plans," my mom reminisced. Her voice thrilled, reflecting the happiness she felt during that time. "Everything went so fast. The wedding, Katherine's delivery, and then your arrival."

A grief expression was slowly painted on her face, and I knew instantly where this story turned.

"Then the postpartum depression hit me. Hard. It was the darkest period of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about horrible things, mainly because I was feeling incapable of raising my own child. I felt useless and the fear about James and Katherine that I'd been suppressing bounced back up shredding me into pieces.

"I started comparing myself with Katherine. How good she was at handling her baby, while I was having trouble connecting with you. She even took care of you during the times I was under the drug's influence. I hated it every time I saw you in her arms, but once she put you on my lap, all I could do was stare at you like you were an alien.