December 3rd, three weeks until her birthday. "Her" is Max, my best friend. My only friend. We met at soccer practice when we were 9 and it just clicked. I ended up quitting, she didn't.
I fittle with the loose string on my sleeve, Max slaps at my hand.
"Ollie, don't ruin my sweater, I want it back at some point," she said, with an easy grin.
"You said it looks better on me though, so I think I'm somewhat entitled to it," I send back that easy grin. I used to practice it, to impress her, but her's was always more natural.
The sun sent streaks of light across the picnic table we sat on, and onto our hands.
Max has such rough hands, it's almost unromantic, but I still love them. Her fingernails are a soft pink against her skin.
"I asked Heather if she wanted to get dinner with us. She's on her way now. That good?"
I pull my hands into my lap, twirling my thumbs.
"Even if I wanted to say no, could I?" The sun shifts again and sends the light across Max's face, who sat on the seat below me.
I look down at her, but she's focused away. "Probably not. Sorry, I should've asked first. You are cool with it, though? If you're not I'll tell her not to come."
I laugh and knock her shoulder with my knee, "I really don't care. But seriously, inviting a girl to get Taco Bell with us?"
Max looks back to me, rolling her eyes and knocking me back. "Whatever man. I love you."
I bite the inside of my cheek. She said it first, when they were 12, and he said it back. Max never listened when he did.
"I love you too." Only if you knew, he thought, how much I like you.
The sounds of tires, and a motor stopping. Heather. She's honestly gorgeous, a teen beauty. She's lived in the same neighborhood as me and Max for years, but Max only started talking to her a few months ago.
She gets out of her car and walks towards us, smiling and waving sweetly. "Oh, hey Oliver! I didn't know you were coming too!"
He pushes forward a polite smile. "Haha, I didn't know you were coming either. Max and I get dinner together on Fridays."
Max hops up,"Let's go! I'm starving." When was she not? I had once watch her eat four full servings of Panera macaroni in one sitting.
•••
I was sort of upset to have to admit Heather was really sweet. And not even in a generic way, she had a sort of genuine energy to the way she spoke.
We all walked back to the park together. Heather thanked us for letting her come, Max heavily insisted it was her pleasure.
"Still, thanks! We should do this again!" She said, before turning away to walk back to her car.
I only looked at Max for a second, maybe not even that, but I could see. The small smile, slightly squinted eyes, eyebrows drawn downwards. It almost physically imploded me.
As Heather walks away, I could see it in Max's eyes. Everything I wanted her to look at me with. But even then, Heather is a sight for sore eyes. Maybe it's nothing.
A pit in my chest filled with everything. It wasn't nothing. I could tell. "Do you wanna walk home now?"
She looks at me like she forgot I was even there. "Oh, yeah! Let's go," she shakes her hair out of her face and sets off before me.
I watch her walk ahead a bit before heading after. We walk for a bit, in silence. I occasionally point out Christmas decorations I like.
"Can I have my sweater back?" She asks awkwardly.
My heart drops to my feet. Not even my feet, the middle of the earth.
"Oh. Yeah, of course," I take it off just as awkwardly and hand it to her. A big blue sweater, Max's initials sewn into the left wrist. "Are you upset with me or something?"
She stops, looking at me with a perplexed face. "What? Of course not. I just- I have something I wanna do with it."
I stare at the ground, "Oh, that's cool. Well uh- We're at my house. I'm gonna go now," I turn and walk up my driveway. Just as I close the front door behind me I think I hear her say I love you.
•••
I stand in front of my locker, alone for some reason. The whole day felt off. I could barely sleep the night before, I just kept thinking about Heather and Max and Max with Heather.
As I grab my stuff I hear a familiar voice, I turn to see Max, and, of course, Heather. Heather, who is wearing Max's sweater. Max, who gave it to Heather.
Max laughs, "I'll see you later!" She turns to me and her eyes widen a little, even as she smiles.
"So... You and Heather?" I ask as lightly as possible.
Max turns bright red, looking in the direction Heather walked off to, then back to me. "I mean- I don't even know, Ollie. She's super sweet. And pretty. You think she'd like me? Like that?"
"Of course I do, Max. Everyone does. You need to start seeing that more. You're beautiful," I close my locker and start walking to class, she follows.
"Thanks. You're honestly amazing. You'll find a really cool person someday."
"Haha, yeah. Maybe. She's really got you mesmerized, huh?" While I die.
Max adjusts the strap of her bag. "I guess. She has everyone mesmerized though. Don't think I don't see how you look at her. I get it, she's at the top at whatever chain there is," there's a short pause,"If you like her, go for it. You two would be cute!"
•••
The night of Max's birthday. Heather was one of us now, or whatever. That's what Max said. I just assumed it become a joint friendship. Heather ate with us on Fridays. It didn't bother me as much as I wish it did. Was I just gonna give up Max because someone way better than me appeared?
Yeah, probably.
We were having the party at Heather's house. Five bedroom, four bathroom, it was big enough. Max original plans were for me and her to go see a drive-in movie but I guess she liked Heather's houseparty idea better.
I helped set up a beer pong table. "Aren't we like, y'know, 16? Underage? Alcohol consumption is illegal?"
Heather giggle while she put out a punch bowl. "Come on! Don't be like that. My brother is buying all the drinks and said as long as nobody drowns it's good."
Max laughed with her,"Don't worry, Ollie's always been like that. I'm trying to break him of his bad habits."
I was so confused. Max never talked like that, I'd noticed it more over the past three weeks though. "Ok, well, don't call me in 30 years when you need a piece of my liver."
Eventually everything was set, and people started arriving. Nobody brought a present. I got Max a present two months ago, just in case. A pretty simple ring she had been wanting for a while, and a 20 dollar Steam gift card.
I sat on the couch while everyone streamed around me. There were at least 40 people. Is that a lot? Probably not. It was my first house party. My first party in general, in all honesty.
It'd been an hour and I hadn't seen Max or Heather. I got up and started looking around, asking.
"Have you seen Max?"
"Who?"
"This is her- Nevermind. Have you seen Heather?"
"Oh yeah, I saw her go upstairs a little while ago."
Heading to the stairs, a foul tasting drink got shoved into my hands. I don't know why I drank it, I felt like I probably needed to.
I look around, calling for Max, then eventually Heather. After no response I started checking rooms.
It was a really bad idea. I knew exactly what I was gonna find but I just had to see it.
I finally get to what I assumed was Heather's room, based on the big H on the door and the cute stickers. I knocked, when nobody responded I cracked the door open, then fully opened it.
And, yes, I found what I was looking for. It didn't hurt. I felt empty.
Who would have thought I'd feel nothing and everything at once when I watch the love of my life kiss someone else? Kiss a girl?
Max pulls away and looks at me, fear slipping over her face.
I stand there for a moment before setting my cup on the ground and walking out, downstairs, and into the front yard. And probably to go home.
Max runs up behind me, grabbing my sleeve.
"Hey, Olls, I'm sorry. I knew you liked her and even then-" She winces, looking at the ground.
"I didn't like her. Not like that I mean. You have no idea. Jesus, you don't," I bite the inside of my cheek, pulling into myself while I cross my arms.
"Then what's wrong? You have to talk to me. I love-"
I shake my head, everything building up inside of me. "Stop, please. I don't know why I'm upset. It's useless," I feel tears pouring over, onto my cheeks,"I mean, why would you ever kiss me? I'm really not even half as pretty as her."
She looks taken aback, but her expression softens. "Olls I didn't know. I'm sorry. I never would've thought."
I take a breath."You gave her your sweater. It's just polyester, but I can tell. You like her better."
Max puts her hand on my arm, "I love you, I really do, even if it's not like that. I'll never like anyone better."
I pull back and run my hands through my hair. "I wish I were Heather," I say quietly as I watch my tears patter against the cement sidewalk.
"I don't know what to say. What do I say? Tell me what I need to do."
I shake my head again, weakly. "You knew. I know you did. And yet- I have to watch as she stands, holding your hand. You putting your arm around her shoulder. And here I am, cold as hell because you wanted her to have your sweater."
"Do you have a problem with her? I don't understand any of this-"
I laugh cynically, "How could I hate her? She's such an angel," I pause,"but then again I kinda wish she were dead," I mumble."She's got you mesmerized, and I have to sit here dying in every way but physically. It's not fair, Max! You can't lie to me and say you didn't know how I felt. You knew."
Max shuffles her feet, and takes a deep breath. Jer hands were shaking.
"Thanks for coming to my party, Ollie. You can
go home if you feel like it. I'll talk to you whenever. Have a good night," she turns around and walks back inside.
I just stood there. Tears still came. What just happened? I couldn't process it. I turned around, away from the house filled with lights and fun.
"FUCK!" I screamed at the open air. I walked home, silence surrounding me, my cheeks wet, and the only feeling inside of me being guilt.
