Faking Smiles

Niall's POV

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you just can't. I know what it's like to hurt yourself on the outside because you're trying to kill the pain on the inside. I know what it's like to hate yourself. What it's like to feel empty, and hopeless. 

For the longest time I’ve felt so broken and so inadequate. Like no matter what I ever did, or ever said, I was never going to be good enough. Maybe thats because person after person has let me down, person after person has tossed me to the side. And I would love to be able to say someone came along and changed it all for me, but I can’t. 

Have you ever imagined what it would be like meeting someone, who you never knew would mean so much to you? Talking to them every day, looking forward to the text messages that they would send you. Every single time that you’re feeling down, they’re the first person who can cheer you up. Instantly. The one person who can make you truly smile, without even trying. The one that you look forward to seeing everyday, talking to every morning, til night. The one that truly makes you happy. The trust you have for them is so strong. 

Then you fall for them, and you fall hard. They become not only something you want, but something you need. Something that you can't function without. Even though they cause you pain, and anguish, you feel like it's worth it. It's like With them, it’s like you hold on for some reason, even though every inch of you wants to let go. You're willing to give them anything, and everything you have. And you wait for them to feel the same way torward you.

But then you realize that they never will. You realize that no matter how much you love them, they won't understand how much they mean to you. And you know that all you're doing by loving them, is hurting yourself even more, because the more you love them, the harder it will be when they hurt you again. 

But you can't stop loving them. Every time they smile, your heart melts. Your knees go weak, and your heart skips a beat. When your with them, you finally feel something other than pain. For once, you actually feel happy. Even when they hurt you, you can't stay mad. You feel like you deserve it anyways, so you might as well let it go. After all, you do love them.

No matter how much you try to hide it from yourself, no matter how much you try and deny it, you can't let go of them. You can't stop loving them, you can't stop forgiving them. You let them hurt you, but you turn around and love them even more than before, and you just can't stop.

That's what my life was like.