My Thoughts

Part I - Sexuality and Man Crushes

Hi, I am lonelyboy2. I don't really feel comfortable with giving my real name out just yet so we'll just keep it on the DL you know? Anyway, I am a very sassy and ex-ratchet boy, because I was influenced by the uneducated rats that unfortunately reside in my hometown. I am 15 years old currently, and I am a bit different from other boys that are surrounded by me. I am most certain that I am bisexual. But growing up, I always liked girls and I never felt anything for boys until maybe around 6th grade. Anyway, ever since I was in preschool I was the boy that always hung out with girls. I remember it was me and these two other hoodlums that probably don't remember who I am. Moving on, I never had a boy (friend) until 5 years old. We had just moved into our first house and I was outside. This little boy was coming towards me on his bike honking that annoying ass booboo horn. "Oh hell no this little boy Finna rob me omg." That's what I thought until he came up to me and was like "wanna be friends??¿" in my head I was like "nO." But I said yes BC I wanted to play him. Anyway were still "average" friends now because I haven't moved and he lives in Nevada now.

Sorry I got off track.

I started to feel this weird feeling every time I was around a boy. It was like, a nervous and shy feeling like I was afraid to speak to them. And then when they realized I was afraid of them, they figured it out. I hung out with girls, I had the highest voice, I was afraid of them, And I didn't play sports. I was "Gay." Now this at first didn't affect me because I thought I knew who I was. But anyway, they would call me all the words like gay, fag, queer, fat ass, you know, the whole thing. It became worse every year but never got to the extent of physical beating. But with every word they described me as, it felt like I was constantly being held by the throat. To this day, I still cringe at the words that people use, not necessarily towards me but towards others. I don't get bullied much mostly because I blackmail them into keeping their diseased mouth shut. But yeah. But let's retract back to 6th grade. This was the grade when I was obsessed with anime. I was searching Pokemon one day and I remember seeing the word, "yaoi." When I clicked on the video it was like "Cilan x Ash - Cafèmocha shipping," and at first I was really weirded out but then I kept coming back to it, and that's when I realized I found myself daydreaming of kissing the cliche American dream boy at my school, let's call him Chad because that's so cliche haha. I thought of dancing with him, cuddling with him, and even him taking unzipping my sweater so he could slide his hand down my shirt or something. I also found that when I kiss my pillow it wasn't a girl, it was him. I started to cry at the fact that I liked boys, and then I started thinking of going to hell because it's a sin. But these days, I question if I really believe in the bible or not. Like why would god make us obey a book like he could've just programmed us (this is some sim shit lmao) to not doing it. So I guess you could say I believe in god but not the bible? But yeah then I asked my parents how they felt about gays, and they were like "It's disgusting! I fucking hate fags!" And I was just so mortified. I was so scared that I actually tried dating a girl which didn't work out because I broke up with her the next day. Anyways, after a long 2 years of not accepting myself and all the crushes I've had on guys, I finally told myself "You like boys. You like dick. Yes lonelyboy2, you like men." And i remember feeling so happy that day, I felt like the words that had onced held me against a wall, crumbled and disappeared. I wouldn't come out to public though except for friends in 9th grade. I'm just gonna fast forward to ninth because 7th and 8th were basically the same thing. Anyway in 9th was when I actually started to take a full on interest in guys. I had 1st period PE and that was with the weight lifting class. 97% of them were really ugly though. But there was this one kid. Let's call him fboy for (fuckboy). He was a junior, quite popular, salvadorian I believe, and loved to get blowjobs at parties so I've been told. Anyway he was really quiet in the locker rooms and he got dressed really slowly and so I would do the same just to watch him. Curse him tho because he wore a tank top Like what the hell man let me see your body. Anyway I noticed that when I was changing I would catch him glancing at me and I was in the corner where I was hidden and literally no one changed near me. I thought it was so weird but then I felt like a bear going for his mate omfg this is so kinky. Anyway I had a decent sized ass because I used to eat a lot as a kid so it kinda just went all back there. So I would purposely face him and make sure I looked like Nicki Minaj with that ass droppin it low to pick up my clothes. So the exchanging of glances went on for awhile, and then all of a sudden I realized he was all i thought about. I liked him. A lot! So I started looking up his name on Instagram and when I couldn't find it I became so desperate it was horrible. Then one day I finally found it and I clicked that shit so fast and I was so happy to see his selfies. And then it took me about two hours to build up the courage to actually follow him and then he followed me back and I was so happy! He was my 444th follower and I thought how lucky.

So days went by still doing the same thing in the locker room and such and nothing really happened more except for the fact that this became more than glances and more of stares. I could feel his eyes raking my body and I lifted up my shirt. I didn't have a guys body. I had a girls body which I didn't mind. I think I got curves from my chubby figure as a kid, and when I lost weight it kinda just stayed. And that ass was still on Houston Texas so I mean I wasn't complaining that he was looking. I think I'll end it here. I'll update another time okay? See ya later ;)