Second Chances

Second Chances

It was in the 26th of December 2014, I am all alone in my dorm room. I should have gone home to the province to be with my family. It was after all a season for get-togethers, family gatherings, and a season for happiness.

But not for me.

While all the other people are cramming to go catch a ride to their respective homes to spend their Christmas together with their loved ones, I am here: alone on my own in the confines of my dormitory room. 2014 has been such a terrible year for me. I couldn’t begin to imagine how I become the person I am now: empty, void, and alone. Stripped off of all my odds, denied from experiencing all the happiness and love, and isolated from the world I longed to belong with.

For the past years, I was like a scoundrel on the run. I didn’t care about the rules and consequences. I live up to my own amusement and satisfaction. I was a rebel. I was sent to school to study but all I did was spend time and money in shopping for new clothes, going to unlikely places like pubs, drinking and smoking, and the likes. Three years, I lived like that.

And then recently, this year, 2014, all hell broke loose.

I got kicked out of the University I was attending, I found out that I was pregnant after I broke up with my recent boyfriend but eventually lost the baby, and my parents learned about my rebellious escapades. I am embarrassed of myself. I couldn’t bear to go out into the world and face my family, friends and acquaintances after what happened to me. We were a family of morals; my family name is known by everyone in our place. People look up to me as they look up to my righteous family. People would condemn me and say, ‘How can she fail? Isn’t she her father’s daughter?’ and probably, my family will suffer the disgrace that I have brought. No, I can never go home.

My tears rolled down my cheeks. I have been crying for days and nights. I wouldn’t eat or drink. I just stayed in bed and wallow in misery. I was asking myself, ‘Where is God when I needed Him the most? Why did He let this happen to me? Why am I miserable? I thought He loved me? Then why did he leave me alone?’ The emotional pain I am feeling is unbearable. I just wanted to die! Of all the other people, why did it happen to me? I cannot take this burden. I am not that strong. I would just crumble to the ground and fail. I lost everything that once in my life, I abundantly have. I have nowhere else to go. My gang can never help me; my friends went home to celebrate Christmas with their families. I can’t tell them to leave their families and be with me. I just realized, you can have all the friends in the world but time will come, they’ll all leave you. You will always be on your own.

I wiped the tears that kept on gushing out of my eyes. I feel so tired. So dehydrated. I just wanted to rest. To sleep this pain off. But how can I possibly do that? When every time I close my eyes, the past kept on taunting me. And the moment I open my worn out eyes, reality slaps me. I almost couldn’t breathe because of the non-stop crying. My nose is puffed and my eyes are swollen due to incessant crying.

That’s when a knock came. My heart went out of my chest, ‘Who could it be? Did my family look for me?’ I was afraid to stand up and find out. I stayed in bed, adamant to keep my silence. But whoever the person was outside the door is adamant. He wouldn’t stop knocking. It was as if he knows that I am here. I heaved a deep sigh then slowly stood up and went to open the door.

“Thank goodness, you’re still here!” my best friend, Noreen exclaimed the moment I opened the door. Her mouth fell as she took in my appearance, “Good gracious, you look- awful! What happened to you?!”

My forehead creased, “What are you doing here?” I asked, ignoring her comment. I thought she was out of town. Noreen and I were best friends since diaper days. We grew up together in the province but part ways when we graduated secondary. She went to Cebu while I’m here in Malaybalay City.