Troubled Souls

Alone

Seventeen years old. Dilapidated house. Two small messed rooms. Worn out books. Languished souls. Friends? My memories succumb to recall the times I had a friend. That’s my story. I wake up every day, feed my little sister either eggs or butter on bread, then walk side by side to school.
I never thought my life would change to what it is right now. It is ironic how things can easily change; how with a flicker of light, you could lose everything; how everything you knew, or thought you knew, could all tumble, dwindle, and transmute into lies. Everything that seemed so real could, in a second, become so blurry, so far away. Well yes. Before it all happened, I was living in one of those big expensive houses in the city. My father was the greatest man in all years. He worked in a laboratory, discovered a lot of secrets and had the opportunity to travel the world searching the depths of every region in order to solve the mysteries that no man was able to figure out. He was the kind of the dad that was always busy with work. Since he traveled a lot and spent all his time in the lab when he is home, I always missed him. I remember when I was just 5 years old, I used to cling to his leg, and beg him not leave again. I used to cry my eyes out every time he flew out of the country. And I waited every day for him to come back on the doormat counting every second. That’s what love feels like I guess. Is it not love that you need that will make you look forward? Is it not love that gives you hope? Gives you reason to pray for another day? So when you go to bed, you close your eyes and smile, hoping you get to see the person you love in the dreams.
My mother was not available much, too. She used to spend most of her times at a friend’s house, shopping or partying. My mom was twelve years younger than my dad and did not have much in common. However, I liked fantasizing that they were once deeply in love, that there exists a time when my parents were inseparable. I liked picturing going on trips with my parents just like any other normal family. But, the truth is, those pictures I drew in my mind were just pictures that made me smile for a few minutes until the disappointment woke my up again. After that, I got used to their absence. The nanny “Marie” took care of me. Marie was my best friend. She was the only one I could talk to freely, the one I can cry to, the one I can trust. At times I felt she was both my mother and father. Marie was a few years younger than my mother, mid-thirties. I can still recall her eyes colored hazel brown, her long brown hair tied in a ponytail, and her smile aesthetically beautiful. She used to wear colorful sundresses, and many hand bracelets. On one of my birthdays, she gave one of her hand bracelets and told me it was a friendship bracelet that would keep us connected wherever we go. I still wear this bracelet today and hope Marie still remembers me. I hope this bracelet works and that it connects us; that it shows her how much I miss her and how much I long for her hugs. I miss her smiles, hugs, and sweet talks. She was like a human rainbow.
It was four years ago. I was twelve years old and my sister Amy was only five. My sister and I were watching T.V, Marie was preparing lunch, my mom was at a friend’s house, my dad was in lab downstairs working on his new project when a sudden bang got us on our feet. Masked men were all around the house. The door alarm was ringing. Those men were breaking in. They got weapons and vests. Helicopters were floating around too. I recall there was a tall man, wearing a different suit from the others, and holding a black briefcase. He gave the commands to search the house. I gripped my sister’s hand and looked around searching for Marie. As my eyes wandered around searching for a glimpse of hope, my heart sank. All the sounds dispersed into silence, and everything seemed blurry. I was stuck in my place and frozen at time. My sister’s shouting to Marie jolted me awake. I looked to where Amy was pointing, and there Marie was standing terrified. Men were yelling at her, asking her where my dad is. Her tears chocked her that she couldn’t speak. Her hands trembled as the fear and terror hurtled through her body. A thousand thought crossed her mind and yet no thoughts at all. Suddenly, everyone went silent. The yelling stopped, and the only voice I heard is my sister crying. My dad was walked by men from his lab. His hands were tied, and his eyes were tearing. Although he seemed mortified, he asked my sister and me not to worry. “There is for sure an innocent mistake, I will be back soon kids. I love you okay?” But this time he was not traveling for work. He was not leaving for few days and coming back soon. I wished I clung to his leg like I used to. I wished I hugged him and never let go. But just like that, with a flicker of light, I lost my dad and my best friend. As they took dad and Marie away, my sister and I followed crying barely able to see, but men kept pushing us away. And soon they were put in a car and driving away. We kept running until we lost them. And then we just stood there on the pavement powerless. Nothing made sense. I was not able to think, and my body felt like dissolving into the vast space. As I faded away, all the fear, hopes and dreams seemed distant.
We walked our way home. For the first time, it was empty. How come the nothingness can be so strong that it holds us, trap us and even choke us. I held the phone and called my mom, but no words escaped for chocking is having so much in mind and not being able to breathe them out. The words cling to your mind, and whenever you try to shake them off, they would reach the tip of your tongue. Then stop. You try to spill them on paper. They would rush through your veins, reach your fingertips. Then stop.
- “Darling talk to me. What is it?”, Mom said.
What was it? I did not know how to answer that. I was not able to comprehend what happened. It was beyond my abilities to fathom, and it felt unreal.
- “Are you still there?”
I was there, yet I was lost in several universes and countless times.
- “We need you here, Mom.” I finally mumbled.

Since then my mom was trying to care about us. The government took our house including the laboratory. Thus, we were forced to move. We suffered every day. We spent nights on the streets. Sleep became a foreign existence, and the food was a treasure we searched for. We walked for days. The long roads became our companion during the day and the stars during the night. With every shooting star, I wished for the sun to rise quickly. The darkness was terrifying, and the vast black sky was a reminder that we are alone in this capacious world. It was a constant reminder that whatever you do during the day and wherever you go, you would still, at the end of the day, lie down alone with your thoughts and feelings; that no matter how many achievements are reached, nothing can truly fulfill one’s needs or desire. It reminded that no matter how much we walked, we would not be able to run away from ourselves or our lives. So one sleepless night I asked my mom “Mom, why are we walking every day?”
- “Do you prefer staying in one place?”
- “I mean what is the purpose of walking daily if there is no destination? How will moving aimlessly help us in any way?”
- “Sometimes getting lost in the streets is how you find your way sweetie. Every day, there is a new chance for us somewhere to start anew in a place. We walk in hopes to reach that place. Standing still will definitely not get us anywhere, so we walk. We create the possibility of reaching a new life for us every day. We walk into a new opportunity.”
- “But mom, why do we have to wait for new opportunities?” Amy asked. “Where is all our money? We can use them and create our new life”.
- “The government froze our bank accounts, and there is no enough money left. But I promise you, we will find a cheap house and create our new life with this money.”
- “Was the government who took dad and Marie?” I asked
- “Maybe. Now get some sleep you two. Good night.”
I promised myself that day that, when I am old enough, I will fight to get my father back. I will fight to break down the government just like it has broken my family. I promised to make a change and end the corruption. I wanted the world to know what happened with us. I wanted them to know that the government that supposedly represents them, has torn me apart. It has tormented my family’s life and left us on the streets like stray dogs. Afterall, family is all we got, and losing a family member is the hardest thing anyone can pass through.
I couldn’t sleep. The thoughts crowded my mind. I kept replaying the scene of that day in my head. I pictured all the things we could be doing if we were still home. I thought about all the stuff I took for granted. I thought about the hours I spent with Amy playing. I thought about all the delicious morning breakfasts. And then I imagined myself sleeping in my bed, and soon I fell asleep.
The next day, my mom walk me up, and we continued walking down the streets. We walked for hours that I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. It seemed like the roads were endless and the time was motionless. After what seemed like indefinite walking, we stopped at a hotdog cart and begged our mom to buy us some. We bought two hotdogs and one water bottle, then continued walking.