I watched a tik tok a couple nights ago about a guy telling a story about his five seconds while playing the piano. I thought about everything he said, and about my five seconds in life. I decided I wanted to share mine just in case I need a reminde...
My five seconds came on the twenty first of July 2020. I was is a low place I couldn't rise from. I was telling myself I was the cause of every problem in my family. I told myself that I was the reason my mother drinks, because I'm such a burden. I felt like I was trapped in my mind and wrapped in my lies, I was slowing sinking.
Praying that one day I just wouldn't wake up, or that I would build up the courage one day to let go of the steering wheel and crash my car. I was self harming, every time I would stop, I would just relapse and do worse. It is then when I understood addiction. It eased my mind, took the pain away, made me numb, it rushed over me abruptly like cold water being poured over my head, from my head all the way to the tip of my toes.
July, twenty first twenty twenty. I was finally able to cry for the first time in months, it hurt, my head, my stomach, my eyes. I was out of breath, it hurt so bad and I wanted it to stop, I couldn't do it anymore. I went to my bathtub and filled it with the hottest water I could and hopped in I turned on music as loud as I could get it. I took my blade and started slicing my skin on my wrist and thighs, so much anger, sadness, grief, and pain blurring into one, fueling me. I stopped for a second and it felt as if time had slowed, I could feel my heartbeat and in that moment I was so sure that I wanted to make two vertical lines down my wrists and sit back, until it all faded and went away.
But just as sudden as it came it left. Time was no longer slow, it was quick and brutal. My mind was running a million miles a minute. I was ashamed of myself for thinking about it, for being so close to suicide. I got out of my bath and looked in the mirror swollen eyes, mascara running down my face, and bloody red line on my body. I was not feeling pain for the first time in a while.That night going to sleep I stared at the wall unable to move. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't walk, I couldn't even pray to God because I felt so far from heaven and so close to hell. I felt like I deserved pain and sadness, and that I didn't deserve eternity of peace and love, but of pain, burning and torture.
I suddenly had a thought that overcame and interrupted that told me that we are all sinners, and we are all God's children. That I am worthy, and there is someone in the world that loves me. Even in your times of trouble, when you feel unable to go to God, he will come to you because he loves you forever. Never forget that. I love you, you are worthy. There are a million and one things you deserve and not one of them is pain or harm. I hope that as you read this, if your in the same place I was, that you understand that your not as far away from God as you think you are. If you feel as if you need help lift yourself to him, and be open and willing and your words will flow, like your talking to a friend about your day. God knows what you have done, what you will do, and where you will end up when you die, he is simply there to hold you and guide your heart and soul closer to home until you can make it there yourself.
I'm here to talk if you need help, just reach out, just ask.
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