Void

August

Aug. 9th
Sunday 10:48pm

Today was bad. I felt like crying since I woke up and help it back until about an hour ago.
I didn't want to cry today but something someone told me the other day made me.
I was in a car with my friend, her siblings and her step mom. I don't want to mention her name so let's just call her Judy (step mom). Judy wanted to show me a song that was very special to her and welp I cried to it. When she noticed I was crying she went on and said "let it all out, it's okay to cry, it makes you stronger" I was crying like a big baby. My friend was holding my hand and I was leaning my head on her hand. Judy looked at me and said "you're not okay huh honey? I can tell you're bothered a lot" she made me smile but then more tears came out. She made me feel so good in a way. Just crying and her singing to me. It made me happy. She was supporting me and I loved it. She knew the pain I was feeling and she understood me in every way. I finally found someone I can talk to really and have her understand me completely. She put her arm around me the entire time. Made me feel loved and cared for. And since then, all I wanna do is go see her and just talk but she's my friend's step mom, it would be kinda weird. But honestly, I don't care. She made me smile.

11:00pm
I've been listening to my sad playlist all day long. Why? Because I feel the need to. I sing along to every song and it feels good to do that. I want something that I can't really have at the moment. But I'd do absolutely anything for it. It's very simple, a hug and a kiss. Not from anybody, from someone special. But I shouldn't think like this because we're not together no more. It's killing me and all I wanna do is talk about it with that person. I can't really cause I might annoy her. But god, I just want to tell her how I feel even though she probably already knows how I feel and she most likely doesn't care. I don't wanna say she doesn't care but she might. I wanna reach out to her and just hug her. Since this breakup, I've been having horrible sleeps and my chest hurts. It hurts and there's nothing I can do to help. Only one thing would help this and it's being with her. Ever get this feeling where you want something really bad but you can't have it? That's been me for the past weeks and it's not going anywhere. It hurts that she probably doesn't want me this bad. Or maybe she does. I have no clue. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't talk to my mom or anyone without being rude or moody. I've been so mad lately. I wonder if she'll read this. She might but she only probably won't. Today was horrible and I hate when days like this come along because all I do is cry while staring at photos of us with some music in the background. I miss the way she'd look at me and tell me she loves me. I miss the touch of her hand on my back, my face. I miss her voice. Hearing her laugh or just simply talk would bring a smile to my face right now. She makes me so happy. Made. She still does but it's hard. It's hard to do stuff when all you think about is that one person who made you smile. I want her to make me smile again. Anyway, I should stop, I could go on and on but I should stop.
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Aug. 10th
Monday 10:12pm

Took a walk with my cousin and her dog today. It felt good to leave the house. I needed to take some air. I've been stressed all day and I'm not too sure why. Today was a bit better than yesterday but still bad. Started a new show about two days ago. I've changed my room, my hair and a new show and still, I feel empty and shitty. I just wanna hide under a blanket. In the dark. And stay there forever. Because the feelings I have now and what it's putting me through is so much worse than I thought it would be. Hiding under a blanket in the dark away from my problems sounds like a good plan right now. I wonder if I'd go missing people would even care? What if I just leave and make everyone think I'm dead or something. It's really bad when your feelings makes you want to disappear. I'm left alone in a dark hole. That dark hole is eating me up inside out. Can someone save me from it? Maybe not. I don't have much hope left. I give it another week or two before all that hope leaves. I was told that I have a big heart. But you see, it feels like that big heart of mine just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I was also told that I was a really loyal girl. I mean fuck, when will I get this loyalty? When will I meet the girl who won't hurt me? When the fuck will I be happy again! Because feeling like this is torture.. No one deserves these feelings. I don't think I'll be happy for a very long time. I don't know how. I want someone to hold me and say that I'll be happy. Not that everything will be okay but that I'll be happy and that someone will make me smile again. I'm lost right now and I can't wait to find my way out. I wanna be happy again.
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Aug. 11th
Tuesday 3:00am

I.. i.. no words.

9:50pm
I miss everything we'd do together. I feel so lost. I hate it.