pull the trigger ⋆ vmin

Lovesong

However far away,
I will always love you.

"You really do need to start your gym routines again," Namjoon mocks him, picking another box with ease and managing it around like it's nothing.

Jimin glares at him, taking another one with difficulty. No matter what, Namjoon has always had this weird way of cheering him up—joking around until Jimin has cracked a smile, sometimes until a sob breaks through his lips. But it's always relieving to have a support like that, and Jimin is thankful for it.

He hadn't called him the evening Taehyung left. He had waited until the next morning, until he had fallen asleep and woken up by himself, now sure that this wasn't a nightmare, and also sure that Taehyung wasn't coming back to sleep in the shield of his arms. Then he had called Namjoon while gulping down a bowl of cereal. His voice had come out steady and surely, so much Namjoon couldn't believe it at first.

"But he loves you," he had complained.

"Guess he was able to fool you too."

Jimin had asked him not to come, to leave him alone for a few days, just to get the taste of what it felt like after so long. And it hurt just like it was supposed to, and it made Jimin fucking mad how he couldn't stand being by himself, itching to have Taehyung with him, surrounding him with his safe presence, with his arms, with his sole persona.

But what hurt the most was to wish for the previous day to never happen. For him to miss his bus back home and get there twenty minutes later. It would have given Taehyung enough time to dismiss Sooa and then call Jimin to check up on him. It would have made Jimin feel warm despite the frustration of being late to get home. It would have made him smile and, most of all, it would have made him feel loved.

He even wished that even after hearing them, even after seeing Sooa, he wouldn't have told Taehyung. That way, he would have gotten a last night with him, a last sleep to live his lie, the most precious and hurtful lie he's even been told. He would have been able to cry on Taehyung's shoulder when he fell asleep, and then kiss his collarbone like he always did.

He wished so many things, he portrayed so many different scenarios, especially when he was to be alone with his thoughts, and yet the past was written, and he could do nothing to go back to have his ideal story.

Sometimes he forgets, like when he got up one morning and expected Taehyung to be making them breakfast, or to find him in the shower, wasting too much soap as he always did if it wasn't Jimin washing him.

"You control me, you know? I've always been too much. But you're what gives me measure, what calms me down, what anchors me. You're every single reason to stay. I don't need anything else."

Now, Jimin thinks he gave himself too much credit. Thought of Taehyung's words as good, as something to feel proud of. Maybe they were the exact opposite—maybe Taehyung never really wanted to stay, just wanted to be free. Never ever wanted to actually feel something for Jimin, something that would make him feel tied down to him.

So why is he with Sooa? If Taehyung felt trapped by feelings, why would he chain himself again? As Rousseau had said, "a man is born free and everywhere he is in chains".

Jimin has figured it out, eventually. It's not feelings that make put Taehyung's liberty at risk—it's Jimin who threatens his freedom. Jimin, who held him too tightly every time they hugged, whose kisses always lingered for an instant longer than they should, whose heart was always an ounce too heavy for Taehyung to hold.

It was Jimin who made Taehyung leave. It was him who wasn't strong enough, clever enough, to see what he was doing to Taehyung—overwhelming him until he fell out of love, if he ever even fell in love, that is.