....What's more to life?? love, B

The Begining

hey, the names bleu, I'm sixteen years old, I'll be seventeen in November. I wanna tell you about my life and if you're sensitive to the heart this isn't the best story for you I suggest you read something else but if you're familiar with " 13 Reasons Why" you'll be just fine. At one point in time, I was embarrassed about my life. I can't really explain why that is but I was. If I'm going to tell you a story I might as well start from the beginning, Right? Well, let's start at five years old year in summer 2009... I couldn't understand why my mother left me but for years I told myself I wasn't enough to make her stay and as I grew up I find myself realizing that she wasn't good enough for me still to this day I'm questioning that judgment. Not to get me wrong, yes she was a good mother in my nursery years when I needed her most but anyone could've done that ! my point exactly the little bit of quality time I spent with her on weekends was "fun" but that doesn't make up for shit ! when I was about thirteen- fourteen years old I hated her so much; yeah I know, call me heartless but I did. My father did the best he could but he can't give me motherly advice every advice I got was from a males perspective... when I had my first cramp I wanted to know what that meant but noo I heard the school nurse saying that I may have my menstrual cycle pretty soon. Um, once again can you explain to me what the hell that is and what do I do when that happens!!  but anyway as time flew by my childhood was good you know elementary school was good I've attended two because of a switch.. the first school was down the street from my house and in the third grade I had a class with this boy named joshua.. pay attention because he plays an important part! the second school, not much to tell I left with a few good friends. The middle school year in the sixth grade I met my BSF  Victorie...we became friends in the weirdest way, I used to bully her a lot then we started becoming friends; in the same time, I went through my own personal issues because of the self insecurities that I had to deal with each year they got stronger. When I was in seventh grade my great grandmother got really really sick and she passed away I never felt that much pain in my life compared to this..my mother leaving is minor to the fact that my grandmother died it felt like someone stabbed me to death and left me for dead; since then I was just lost.. I had finally got over the fact that she was gone it was shocking but I managed to focus on me. As usual,  that didn't go as planned my thoughts were kicking my ass I had an urge to feel some type of pain to feel good.  it was so bad that I even wrote things down in my notebook of this nature...

"𝙣𝙤𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪" .... "𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙞𝙚?"
"𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙥𝙞𝙙"...... "𝙜𝙤 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛"

it wasn't until my best friend caught on and tried to stop me but clearly, that was impossible I still do it to this day, she honestly didn't know how to help and to make matters worse I made her watch me do it and convinced her that I'm fine after while I found a way to distract myself like yearbook committee and photography club.
Now  bitch by the time high school came around I had lost a lot of weight. My first day riding the bus was fun and all but to recap remember the boy Joshua? yeah, he was on this bus always in the back always so quiet but to remind you, he looked so familiar so I asked my childhood friend yana a question I said...

B- omg is that Joshua?
Y- yeah girl he has done glowed up
B- yeah he's cute
Y- Ewww but mmm I see you

I honestly thought he was fine fuck a cute ! to be honest...but let's fast forward and just say I got the attention I was looking for; he was funny, he made me laugh every day, he made me blush just by looking at him, butterflies in my stomach with one text !! ughhh I know what you're thinking just save it though...a child would call this love I call it "falling hard"
not to mention he brought me out of my comfort zone and I trusted him I was willing to do anything for him all he had to do was ask... I did things I never did before that's how close we were you know; he would also tell me that he loved me indirectly but I always read between the lines it's just as we got closer physically we grew apart mentally and emotionally...this "love" or "situation-ship"  got very very ugly in a matter of months and a year. the person I met wasn't him..he changed and I was determined to know why?
if i were  to leave him letter it would say...
Dear Joshua, you put me through hell I hate you and I'll never trust you!! you never appreciated anything I did for you but do you have any clue?! i don't think so... I wonder if you ever wondered: What's more to life?
           love, B.