There comes a time in every person's life when they eat a dry noodle. Harmless, right?
What if it wasn't?
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Noodles are amazing, they can be fried, broken, boiled and crispened - Covered in sauce or cheese, and sometimes even combined with more noodles. Yet, even though all noodles come with their own risks, one of which, is the riskiest of them all...
Completely raw, uncooked, undressed, unprotected, and dangerously hard. I'm here to explain the risks of eating noodles without proper preparation, or protection. You must always have a plan B, and be prepared for any consequences that may come after raw, unprotected noodle eating. In this book I will show you how to safely and readily indulge in the sensory orgasmic act of noodle eating. Starting, with the first step.
-The unwrapping of the noodles-
The type of packaging your delicious, soft, flavor packed dry dough crisps come in can say four things about you;
-You like noodles.
-You're cultured.
-You have a brain.
-You can't control how noodles are packaged, idiot.
Knowing how to safely unwrap a noodle, and transfer it to it's warm hottub of 212 degree water will put you ahead of the noodle game, and keep you from making the mistake of stilling them all over the fucking floor goddamnit so many wasted fucking noodles why does it have to be like this why can't I just make noodles you just put them in water what the fuck this is why Madison left me why can't I do anything right will anyone ever love m-
Ahem
It will keep you from spilling some goodness on the floor, which can be irritating, so this first step is crucial.
To get the noodles out safely and with cleanliness, all you have to do is pour them directly into the pot. Don't measure. Don't do any of that. Literally just eyeball it and I'm sure you'll be fine.
Step 2
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-The boiling of the noodles-
To properly boil noodles to perfection, you must have three key ingredients;
-Rolling boil
-Salt in the water
-A spoon or oil nearby
You must have your water at a Rolling boil, if your water isn't at a Rolling boil, the pasta won't cook right. A rolling boil is- well- Google it cause I can't explain it.
Now you're probably wondering what the salt is for? The water ofc, fucking dumbass. You want to salt the hell out of your water, this will make it boil much faster. However, don't over salt your water, it'll make the noodles taste weird and bitter, and we don't want that. So, salt your water, the amount of salt depends on the amount of water.
Lastly is what the oil and spoon is for - Pasta, like other things, has starch in it. This starch can cause the water to boil over much easier if you aren't careful, so, you use oil to break the surface tension. If the oil doesn't work, then you either stir the pasta and water, or you remove it from the heat for a moment, before putting it back. Breaking the surface tension is vital, if there's too much tension the water will burst over the sides of the container like two horny teens in a room that can't be left alone. I'm looking at you, Matt.
When putting the noodles into the boiling water, don't turn down the temperature, keep it at a Rolling boil as you put them in, and the entirety of cooking them. Stir constantly for 30-45 seconds during and after you put the noodles in, if this step is skipped you will have noodles sticking to the bottom of the pot, which isn't good and is a nuisance to clean. So stirring while you put and after you pour is something that absolutely cannot be skipped.
You want to set a timer for 8 minutes, this barely changes for the amount of pasta you have, and will always make it come out al dente (Which is perfect might I add). Al dente is what you wanna go for, so make sure to keep an 8 minute timer, and don't take your eyes off the pot. When it's done, it's time for our next step.
Step 3
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-The straining of the noodles-
Before you strain the noodles, I want you to remember that starch I mentioned? Yeah, you'll wanna take from 1/4 cup to up to 1 1/2 cup of that pasta water and save it, this depends on the amount of pasta you have also. The starch in the water will make it so your cause comes out more creamy, and actually sticks to the pasta. It doesn't matter the type of sauce, just make sure to save some of the water in a separate measuring container.
Once that's set aside, you're ready to strain it.
Strain the noodles how you would normally the put them back in the pot. DO NOT pour water over them. This will cause the starches that are left on them to get washed away and your sauce won't stick, so don't do that.
Pour your sauce over the noodles and mix it, then add in the saved pasta water and mix that too. This doesn't matter what type of sauce or noodle you do it with, it'll always come out better if you do this.
Once that's done, you'll be lead to the final step.
Final step
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-The plating-
You can plate the noodles however you like, it doesn't matter. You can put them on a plate with some garnish, or in a bowl for yourself! It doesn't matter cause you'll still have delicious, perfect noodles either way. Just have fun with it!
This concludes how to properly and safely make noodles while avoiding the risks that come with hard, raw and unprotected noodles. Stay safe, wear a condom, don't get pregnant before marriage, and enjoy some damn good noodles.
AND DON'T FORGET THE DAMN PARMESAN
