Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars the Clone Wars.
Maze of Sadness
Ahsoka's pov:
I'm sitting in my chambers; alone. My master is on a mission to Felucia and after what has happened on our last mission, the council had decided, as a punishment, I am to stay in the temple for at least the next three months.
I know, what I've done was wrong; I've disobeyed not only my master but direct orders from the council. I haven't meant to disobey them; I've just wanted to help, this, however, has gone terribly wrong.
We've had to abandon the mission in order to save the last still remaining clones. My actions have gotten lots of them killed, and believe me when I say that I would instantly undo my actions if I could; but I can't.
Anyway, I am not to leave the temple for the next three months; one week has already passed and I have already been about to go insane. The only thing I've done this last week was sleeping, crying and starring at the wall. I once left my dormitory to go to the mess hall for eating but everyone there just stared at me in disgust, they've all heard about my failure on the last mission, and they are blaming me for the deaths of dozens of clones; I couldn't blame them, though, I'm blaming myself as well. I haven't spoken to anyone this past week and nobody has made an attempt to talk to me. They all hated me and so did I.
The hardest part about it is my master, he's once told me he could never hate me, but I know he does now. I've seen it in his eyes when he looked at me before he left for his new mission, with just half of his men. I wish I could undo just everything, I wish I wouldn't have come to the temple, I wish I wasn't born, I wish I could just disappear and never come back. Everything would be easier without me and nobody would miss me anyway, right? What even is the point in living when all I do is failing?
I sigh and lie down on my bed. Curling into a ball under the sheets, I start crying. Silently crying. Wishing the pain would end. That's the worst; the pain. Pain exists to remind you you're still alive; but what is even worse is not feeling any pain at all; being numb. And I should know it. I've been at this point in life where you become numb. It happens when you've felt so much pain that your body, or brain, or whatever, simply shuts down. And then you can't feel anything anymore. You forget about the pain, the overwhelming sadness, you don't know what happiness is, nor do you know about joy. You become a cold-hearted person that walks through life with closed eyes. I've been at this point in life a few years ago and it was a hard way back to life the way I used to know it. The saddest part is that I wasn't even fully recovered and yet again I find myself falling down.
I can tell you so much: recovery sucks. You have something you can hold on to, be it depression, self-harm, an eating disorder or anxiety. For me it was all of them.
I've been depressed, self-harming, I was anorexic and bulimic, also I was really anxious. But you have these things and you can always count on them; they'll never leave you.
And now comes recovery, it takes all those things away from you and suddenly you're on your own. I didn't get much support, only from my master and he didn't really know how he could help me, so I was practically on my own and I had to deal with life. Life in itself is mean and insidious; it throws rocks into your way and makes living even more difficult. Everyone knew about my condition, my habits; but no one was supportive.
The only thing they did was trying not to piss me off and to be honest that pissed me extremely off. It made things worse and each time I tried telling my master what was going on in my life, he felt bad for me. I didn't want him to feel bad for me, so I shut down.
I stopped telling him things because the only thing I wanted less than being hurt was others hurting because of me.
And so I was on my own trying so hard not to fall back into my bad habits.
Recovery takes ages and you'll always live with the fear of falling-, no crashing back down.
Eventually, this is happening right now and I don't know how to stop it.
