From the beginning

A winter memory (M)

Shisui stretches out on the sofa in the winter morning, contentedly looking at Itachi who is taking a nap on the couch placed at a ninety degree angle to the sofa. The large windows let in a bright white light that went perfectly with Itachi's almost blueish black hair. They prefer sleeping and cuddling next to each other, but this morning Shisui had felt the urge to look at Itachi from a slight distance, to see him in his entirety. Both were in their robes, but when they went out of bed that morning, Itachi had put on Shisui's light blue one instead of his own, which was why Shisui was now clad in Itachi's burgundy one. They had had a disagreement the night before, and had slept not touching. Not apart though; they never went to separate rooms no matter how upset they were. That was their way of showing each other that everything was still okay; that no matter how badly they fought they were still okay, and belonged to each other. But the mornings after, and they were rare, thank God, Itachi always donned Shisui's robe, carefully threading around barefoot, sniffing it throughout the morning. Shisui's heart melted each time, and he always ended up holding his arms open, Itachi walking into them, and they would talk about what had happened and solve the dispute. But this morning, that hadn't happened. The fight last night had been particularly bad, so Shisui felt he needed more time. So after breakfast , whenItachi had silently laid on the sofa to catch up some lost sleeping hours, Shisui didn't cuddle him, but he sat on the couch to observe. 

Itachi's tear lines had deepened with the years; at twenty-five, they were quite prominent and gave his face a depth, as if someone had sculpted him. His eyelashes also seemed to grow, became more dense, and now cast long shadows on Itachi's pale, relaxed cheeks. Itachi rested his hands on his stomach, his black-and-gold engagement ring shining in the pale morning light, the golden wedding band glistening. Shisui felt so protective over this sleeping figure that he felt he might burst. Ten years... Shisui had known early on that he had feelings for Itachi. It had been an innocent childhood crush that had become more problematic when he came of age while Itachi yet hadn't. He still sometimes felt bad about their first intimate night, on a mission, when Shisui had jerked Itachi off. He had been so aroused that he had to go out to finish himself off three times in a row before heading back. After that, he had vowed not to touch Itachi until he came of age. Something that had proved incredibly hard to fulfill...

After that night... Nothing. 

After Shisui had helped releasing Itachi that night together in the cabin, everything had been the same between them. Although in reality, nothing was the same between them. They kept training together, hanging out together, talking together, planning the future of Konoha and the clan together. They didn't touch much, and Shisui's teasing and Itachi's discomfort with it continued. On the surface, everything was the same. But inside Shisui, something had started boiling. 

He felt an incredible guilt over it, seeing as he was of age, whereas Itachi wasn't. From that night, he always thought about Itachi when jerking off. He did before, too, from time to time, but now it was constant. And afterwards, he felt so much guilt he leaned his head against the bathroom tiles, biting his knuckles until they bled. But still, he kept coming back to those same thoughts. 

And he had to confess to himself that he had feelings for Itachi.

Those feelings went far deeper than the physical desire. Those feeling went all the way through his bones, pierced his inner organs and etched themself into his blood, enabling them to spread to his entire body. He knew living without the physical release Itachi gave him, in his thoughts, would be difficult, but living without the emotional connection between them would be impossible. But the thing was, no matter how certain he was in his own feelings, he had no idea if they were reciprocated by Itachi. He had screamed so loudly that night in the cabin, though...