𝒓𝒉𝒚𝒔
"Rhys?"
I don't know why that pisses me off. It's not the name, it's not the way he says it, it's not even his voice. Noah can be here if he wants to, he can say my name if he wants to, so why do I have the urge to fly up from the bed and break the window?
Staring at the ceiling makes me think of Eli, makes me feel like Eli. You never knew if he saw stars or a hopeless future.
Because usually you can look at a person's eyes and they'll tell you something. With Eli, they always looked blank, even when he described the most beautiful places and things, or when he did things he loved with people he loved.
I miss those times when he'd tell me shit that seemingly came out of nowhere, some art thing he saw in his head but was to demotivated or exhausted to make. It all came out like a happy song. Then I'd look over and he wasn't even smiling, just staring at the ceiling.
Noah sits on the bed, lifts his hand as if he's going to take mine, but he doesn't. "Listen, I get it, you wanna do the thing where you don't hide your feelings but you hide your reasons and expect me to just get it."
"Seriously, Noah? That's-"
"Hear me out. I know your reasons this time. It's pretty damn frustrating when I can't know them, but right now, it's fine." He swings his legs up on the bed. "But I know your reason, and I know how you work, and I know you're thinking of some moment of confronting her, and guess what? If you don't do that calmly and planned, it's going to happen in a moment of anger."
My throat starts aching from tears trying to push through. I blink and push myself up. "You're just saying I'm acting like my dad, you realise that, right?"
"No, Rhys, I'm not. Yeah, those bursts of anger are similar to your dad's. But guess what? You're a much better person than he is. You're never, ever going to let yourself get there, I'm never going to let you get there." His hand hovers over my cheek for a second, asking for permission. When I don't remove it, his warm hand meets my cold face. Maybe he is getting slightly better after all. His hands used to always be cold. "Trauma doesn't excuse things, but none of us are going to give up on you because you show certain signs. And, you know the biggest difference between you lashing out and your dad lashing out?"
Nothing. It's always unjustified. I'm an adult and I should be able to have a calm conversation, even when the other person isn't being reasonable.
"You always have a reason, Rhys," Noah continues. "You're not yelling at some innocent little kid. You can control yourself or you would've yelled at people like Aiden and Kell too but you don't."
He means Eli. I've yelled at Aiden, and Kell, I haven't known long enough to ever had a reason to.
Noah puts his other hand on my other cheek. "I don't know if you noticed, but there's been a lot less yelling the past year than when you were sixteen, seventeen, and that's because you've worked towards this, Rhys. And you're never going to stop this cycle of keeping things in and lashing out and me having to have this speech if you don't learn to bring up things that upset you."
I remove his hands from my face, but keep them in mine, resting on the sheets between us. "You just don't get it, Noah."
"You know why?"
I don't bring it up. I don't talk about it. I don't tell you my exact feelings. Of course it's my fault.
I must've glared or rolled my eyes, because he says, "Exactly."
"But even if I-"
"You're right, I'm never going to 100% understand. I don't have the same family situation that you do, my anorexia has never been as seve-"
"It's not a compet-"
"No, it's not a competition, and I know that, that's why I can admit my mental health has never been as fucked up as yours." Noah shuffles closer, legs brushing to mine. "But I don't have to understand your exact situation to know that bringing it up to her is going to help you one way or another."
"That's not-" I interrupt myself when he presses my hand, reminding me to keep my voice at a normal tone. "That's not what I mean."
"And how could I know that's not what you meant if you never said what you meant because you just assumed I'd guess? I'm not you, you're like a fucking mindreader sometimes." He smirks.
And I just sit there, like Eli used to do. But you always got the sense of... tranquility, maybe, from Eli. That blank stare and expressionsless face didn't mean hopeless and depressed in those moments. It didn't mean hope and happy either.
I don't feel that. I feel nothing but I feel everything. It's like all of these emotions are manifesting in tension here and pain there, and they're all dulled from near 40 hours without food. Starving really fucks you up.
"You don't understand how fucking hard it is to just fucking walk up to someone and ask them why they left you seventeen years ago." I let go of one of his hands without thinking, only to gesture unnecessarily largely like the tears seeping out of my eyes aren't enough. "I remember her. She used to be fucking caring and shit. I don't even know why I left River Bay and..." Eli. But I have Noah now. "She's supposed to answer for 14 years of trauma and 17 of being fucked up."
"You're feeling guilty over her feeling guilty?"
"Fuck no, she should feel guilty." Right?
My eyes unfocus. I'm currently starving so she can see the damage she did to me. But am I really doing that, or am I starving to cope and using her as a motivation? She won't notice, even if I lose ten pounds in a week.
I swallow. "Yeah."
"You wanna know what I think?" Noah says. "I think she would've brought it up herself if she didn't already feel guilty. And I think that even if she's in the wrong, and even if she feels guiltier in the moment, talking to you is going to be a lot of weight of her shoulders as well. Don't get me wrong, fuck that bitch, but you shouldn't feel guilty. She owes you a lot of things, and an explanation shouldn't be one of them but it is."
I nod. That's all I do. Nod.
Then I dry my tears, wondering why the fuck I skipped an entire day of dance because I got pissed at Noah. I didn't even do that with Levi. No matter how pissed I was, I showed up every day, and if I was pissed because he kept me from dancing then I'd show up just to argue.
That's what Noah meant. I'm not picking those fights anymore. Hell, the last fight Levi and I had was when I sprained my ankle three years ago and wanted to do a performance anyway and he said no. That was only one argument.
"Rhys?" Noah says, grabbing my attention again. "I love you. Platonically too."
The fact that he even added that... yeah, that doesn't feel right. That's not added to make me feel good or reassured that we will always be best friends, I already know we'll always be Rhys and Noah no matter how many times we fight or how toxic we are.
He added that because he doesn't know if I love him romantically or if this is the result of platonic love and desperation.
Worst part is, I don't know either, and I still say, "I love you too."
It sounds wrong. Maybe that's just because we don't usually express that verbally. Hopefully.
I reach forward, and press my lips to his.
