~^~
It is impossible to know the unknowable. But you would be surprised to find out that sometimes your heart knows something before you do. The problem is, you don't always figure out what it is trying to tell you.
~Eris~
It has been two months and I have heard nothing. I try as much as I could to have good thoughts. But, I wish I could be so ignorant that I do not know what war means and what it could cost. I wish I could choose to be ignorant that I could stop worrying. But I've seen conflicts and I've read about wars. The sure thing about them is death. Wars always cost lives, whether on the losing side or the winning. People always die. I can't think of him dying.
He is my constant and a constant simply cannot die. Oh gods, please protect him. I probably should keep myself busy. After all, I am a Roman woman in the midst of the age of men. I should be thinking who to marry, or how to sharpen the art of socializing, but my thoughts always drift back to Zolav.
The sound of footsteps makes me turn and I see Merina bringing me a cup of wine. A second one from twenty minutes ago. Merina, my body slave, knows me well and I'd consider her like a sister, even though I had none. She knows me, my secrets and my thoughts. And she knows that I am still obsessing over the fact that Zolav has sent me no news. Is he dead or living? Who knows.
What was he trying to ask me? It isn't like him to secretive. Zolav says what is on his mind, rarely keeps his thought to himself. I am fighting as hard as I could to not think of that as a bad omen. Didn't father like to say that before death, people have ways to subtly tell you? No, Zolav will not die.
He has his messenger. Why couldn't he make a couple of sentences and have it sent off? I look at the wine, blessing its calming qualities, and finish it all in one sip. I will wait no more. If he wouldn't tell me, then I'll send him my own letter and ask him how he is. He would have to reply.
I quickly stand up, handing Merina the cup. The freckled girl simply smiled and follows me. In my haste, I nearly run into father who is trying to walk in the room. Fate simply speaks. My father, Baraulus Cornelii is a noble Roman. He is respected by most, Roman or not. But lately, he has kept to himself.
"Where are you going?" He laughs, which is followed by two heavy wet coughs. I notice him frowning before quickly covering it with a smile.
"I wish to write to Zolav--the commander. He hasn't sent any word." I confess. My attachment with the man might have been unhealthy. But Zolav is what I've known, he's my comfort.
My father smiles and nods. "Wait a little longer. I wish to speak with you first." He says. His breathing is heavy, and I hear it whistling. Father's health must be declining again.
I know he doesn't want to tell me. In fact, he has kept his visits to the healer secretive. But secrets come out and I know everything. I know that he couldn't travel so far anymore, his breaths are too short. He couldn't sleep, because it hurts him to take deep breaths. I know all of this. But I can't let myself process what it means. And there's nothing to be done.
As I remember the healer's word transcribed to me by Merina, 'Cornelii is simply getting old. No one lives forever'.
Father sits down on one of the chairs. I follow him and sit not too far.
"Eris, my child, I know life will soon escape me. And I am content with it. But I do not know when death will take me and before it does, I must know you will be taken care of." he begins. I could just sense where this is going. There's very little for women in these times.
"Father you will be fine. The healer will aid you in gaining your health. You'll live years to come." I insists.
"I may. But I cannot bet on a 'perhaps'."
I sigh. How does turn time? I would like to turn time back before all of this. I can't have him say it.
"I must let you marry. I have thought of great men with whom you could build your family, be happy and wealthy." He continues.
There it is. He wants me to marry. But marrying isn't just about two people coming together. Now, my father has the say in all that is my life. But when I marry, he will this power over to my husband. This is not a change I'd like to rush into.
"Can we wait? Until Zolav returns. I cannot make these decisions without him. He is my constant." I try to reason.
My father's face hardens. He doesn't like what I said. In fact, he looks furious.
"Eris, he cannot be your constant." His lips presses into a hard line.
"Why not?"
"Your mother died on me. Her father died on her. We are surrounded by people who are immensely involved in the war. And they die, and what is left of their loved ones then? Nothing. I cannot have you do this."
His words hit at me like lightning strike. I used to think that my father knows no fear and has no pain. But I've seen it now. He has never healed from losing my mother. Or the many he knew before the constant conflict that plagues Rome and its surroundings. Power has its cost
How do I tell him I need my constant? I don't know what it is that pulls me to Zolav or what is to become of us. But I need him. Perhaps, I must stop thinking of just me.
I look at my father. He clutches his chest easing away his pain. He has a pained look in his eyes.
I could lessen his pain. I could make him have less to grieve over.
"I understand." I hear myself say. "I will do whatever is needed, father."
As I say this and see my father smile, I feel a growing pain in my chest. I will be given away to someone I barely know. And whoever it is, I'll be his for the rest of my life. I'll rarely see Rome again. I won't call these walls, that have been mine since I was a child, home any longer. And Zolav may never be my constant anymore. If only he could rush his return, if only he could---what?
Would he claim for me for himself? Could he do it for me? If there's anyone I'd rather be the wife of it would be--No, I couldn't ask him this. And even if I could ask and if he says yes, he would never make it back in time.
Everything will change.
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A/N: Hi, I wish you had an interesting experience with Eris. Her struggles are a bit different than Zolav, I'd say. Because she actually has more to her than she knows and her future at the moment might not be as simple as she thinks. But they're both so clueless about how each other feels. Anyhow, don't forget to comment and/or vote!
~Redhotsmolder
