"I'm only seventeen, Kyle! You can't really expect me to do this with you," I say as I stand with you in the woods behind our school. The ground is completely covered with leaves and the trees have a thick layer of moss.
I can tell you're thinking about how to get me to do this. I wait impatiently for what you will say next. I get a little anxious to hear you speak. When did I let you have the control? It's almost as if you're the one who decides how I feel. I'm not even my own person anymore. A bit of time passes, and you still haven't said anything. Why are you keeping me waiting here?
The chilling November breeze sends shivers down my spine, adding to my anxiety, and I only want you to hold me. Your touch will pour the heat back into my body, but I know that won't happen.
You just stare at me, allowing me to get lost in your eyes while the wind whips through your straightened hair. Your muscular structure and height make me look petite, it's almost awkward. We're so different, yet our lives are so similar. I remember the way you looked at me when I told you I was in the detention center all summer and I remember the way your voice changed when you told me you were in a similar place. We've known each other since we were born and I can't remember a time when I didn't love you.I can't remember a family problem we didn't support each other through. A seventeen-year crush is hard to ignore. No wonder it was so easy for you to connect with me and make me want to do this. You've always had a way with words, and I make it so easy for you to manipulate me. I'd do whatever you want, but you take advantage of it. My mind wanders, forcing me to think of what happened when I saw you after I was out of the hollow hell I'd endured all summer.
"How did you even end up there, Kyle?" I ask you hoping for an answer that wouldn't scare me. I didn't want to hear the word theft but I knew it was going to come shortly. I'd read it in the newspaper, it had been the talk of the neighborhood as well.
"I attacked this guy for his money. I took sixty dollars, and a gold watch, and ran," your expression and voice overflow with regret. You haven't wronged me, but my heart fills with forgiveness for you. Maybe it's because I know the man you robbed will never feel this way, and you deserve forgiveness. You recognize your wrongs, but sadly I've always been the only one to ever see it.
You step closer to me and grab my hand, my heart beats faster as it always does when you touch me. I love this feeling, and how it doesn't happen with anybody else. You send me on a natural high. You pull me into you and in a moment we become one. It's only for a few seconds though, you pull away as more people come into the park.
"I love you. I want to be with you, I just can't right now," you whisper in my ear. Your hand slips out of mine as you get farther and farther away with every step.
We've already been standing here for a long time and now you're taking even longer to speak. Finally, you take a breath and I know what words are about to follow. Sometimes I think that I know you better than I know myself.
"You told me you would... Please, Ashley? You got my hopes up, don't crush them," you say, giving me the cutest puppy-dog eyes and brushing a bit of brown hair out of my face with your finger-tips.
The guilt rises in my body and my eyes fill with tears. I can't hurt you but I can't give my virginity to a guy in the woods either. The confliction takes over my thoughts, preventing me from thinking, and I want to run from you. I begin to allow the tears to run over my eyes.
"Kyle, I love you. Isn't that enough?" I ask. My voice is shaky and you gently wipe away my tears. All I can do is stare into your deep brown eyes as you stare into my bright green.
"It is but you promised. When a girl breaks a promise, I don't care how amazing she is, I leave. You might've known me my entire life, but if you break a promise, I will leave without a second thought, Ash. You won't exist to me anymore. Remember the promise you made? You promised because you love me, now you can prove your love," you say surprisingly cold.
Without even realizing it, I've become trapped. Those words put me in the worst situation I could have imagined. I can't let you slip away, but I can't give you something that means so much to me. I'm a religious person. Sex is a gift from God, but the only safe place to open that gift is a committed marriage.
I guess you've picked a nice place though. The wind runs its fingers through our hair and the sunlight dances on your face. For the most part, these woods are pretty open, but you've assured me that we're perfectly secluded. Nobody can see us.
"Please, Ashley, it's not that bad," you say as you gently run your hand down the side of my body and I can feel the warmth of your touch through my clothes. It calms me down a bit, but not enough for me to do this with you. Your hand reaches around to my back and you pull me closer to you, our noses are now barely touching.
You've got me in an awkward position now. I said I'd do this, but how can I? I've loved you for so long but we've never been more than friends, yet we're standing here trying to make this seem simple. I want this to make us become something more, but will that happen? This is stupid, you don't respect me. You only want sex but I want love. This isn't right, it shouldn't be like this.
Finally, I make up my mind after standing with you for what feels like an hour. I don't want to hurt you, I would never want to hurt you... it wasn't supposed to be this hard. I feel like I might be sick.
"I-I can't," I stutter nervously and look from you to the ground. The leaves crunch as I step away from you. I don't want to see your reaction.
"Come on. Please?" you say as you put your arms around my waist, pulling me into you again. I can feel your heart beating and I don't want to move. I want to stay in your arms forever, but I know what you want, and it's not at all close to what I want.
I step out of your arms and push you back. I only meant to put some distance between us, you weren't supposed to fall. You deserve it though. I said no. I would say no again, but right now I'm at a loss for words.
"Fine," you say emotionless as you stand up, brushing the dust and leaves of. You stare at me a moment before walking away.
I follow you, not knowing where to go, and realize I don't even want to look at you. Keeping my head down, I follow the sound of leaves being crushed. My mind wanders to what my friend Brielle told me when I told her about our plans.
Honestly, Ash, I don't support your decision, but I want you to know one thing-YOU are in control of whatever happens.It takes a lot to say yes but it takes so much more to say no.
We're out of the woods now and you turn to look at me. No words are exchanged but I can tell you're more than angry.
"I'm sorry," I say hoping for a hug or some type of verbal response. You just nod and leave.
I ruined it. I let you down and I let you slip away. I feel like I've failed you in some way even though I know, you're the one that failed me. The regret begins to set in when I can't see you anymore. I shouldn't feel this bad, I did the right thing. You had ill intentions and ended up ravening my heart. I almost want to cry but I remember what my cousin, Amy told me a few days ago.
When things get rough-just look around. The sun will still be shining and the world will still be turning. If you can see that, then you're not dead and the world didn't end.
I smile lightly, because I realize that she's right. I'm still alive and the world didn't end, even if the love I give is never returned.
