Thoughts

DOWN

And here i am again thinking about how fucked my life is. But its somehow getting better because at first i always blamed myself for everything bad happening around and hater myself but now i have started to blame others too.
Actually i believed i had a breakthrough and could actually act like a good person with wisdom and go out and express myself, at first explore and experience.  My thought at the end of changing my personality to something braight out of the darkness where only suicide thoughts and self hatred haunted day and night was something like, " everything  is just preparing me for the better me ".  
All i wanted to do for now was explore and experience. I might fall in the darkness,  breakdown completely but i still wanted to let out all my emotions and try inproving.  Tjose positive vibes hit me after like, idk 'i dont know' GOSH, i cant even  remember.  Maybe it was always just darkness but  now that i want to wander around and have courage to go out.
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I just find myself getting  dragged down. Trapped and imprisoned not being able to do even the slightest  kf thing i want to and who is making me feel that way? U didnt see this coming but its my parents. Maybe they are just concerned but in 20 years i wonder  if they ever actually knew me or understood  me.  Maybe cause of generation gap or for them, mental health does not exist. But i take the blame too yet i am completely sealed.
How can i say it to my parents who have been working hard for me that the son they loved, that little smile and genuine  happiness. I seriously have no hope, i might be alive from the flesh but i don't  feel like living. At this point i don't even know who is at the fault. Must be my overthinking or maybe i am just destined  to be sad. Oh gosh, am i actually going back to being down again.  No,  i donr want to.  Its always lonely and sad there and i feel really fake and weak. I want to  stay strong and alone. I dont want  to go back being that person who completely isolates himself from everyone always living in fear looking for other individual to rely  on. That mentality of not finding happiness from within and just hoping someone  else might make u happy. Just being completely  dependent on that person forgetting yourself and what u actually want with fake smile and fake personality just in search of that little hope that keeps you going on..
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Again at the change of though would it be okay to just end my life. I don't  feel any kind of affect with anyone anyway. When i am alive feeling all alone and lost. Not a single soul comes up and ask me if i am actually okay or show that they care so why sould i even think or be concerned  if they might feel sad when i am dead.  But then when u die, all these human  emotions die too and will it matter to me about how others feel of my feeling is dead.