J & A (Working Title)

Chapter 1

- Andrea -

With my heart beating like a drum, hands rather shaky holding my son's favorite desserts, I somehow managed to walk through and talk inside that restaurant. Halos hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang mga sinabi at ginawa ko. Para akong nakalutang habang naglalakad papalabas sa establismento. 

I heard phone calls the moment I entered my car, just beside the building's entrance door. My car can be seen from the inside of the restaurant, and I know he's watching. 

God, what just happened?

The phone call died down with me just looking at the car's steering wheel, like it could give me any answers to the problem I'm about to face right now. 

"Ma?" my son called from the backseat.

He crawled through the division and managed to sit on the front seat. I can't even make sure he does it right, he's barely five years old, but I can't manage to get myself to look at him. Yet. Because for sure I'll be seeing the eyes of a man who did nothing but take care and be there for me when I couldn't do it for myself and all I did was lie and make him believe all the bullshits I said.

"Brownies, Mama?" he rummaged through the take out I got for him. 

"Just one bar, Mama, promise." I finally managed to face my son smiling holding in his small hand indeed one bar of brownie. I smiled at him, and noticed he wasn't convinced by my reply. His cute eyes roamed around my face, analyzing. I smiled at him again, this time more genuine. My heart warm with his move to understand my feelings. I caressed his hair.

"I love you, Mama." and that was all it took.

I cried in front of him. Hindi na alintana ang paniguradong tanong sa anak ko. The years I've been away, I thought I can forgive myself of what I did. I thought seeing him again would finally set my anxious heart free. I thought I was past this, breaking in just a sight of him. But one encounter after three years was all it took to remind myself not to seek solace from him, not to beg his forgiveness and beg to take me back again. At alam kong hindi na iyon maaari lahat, ang sama na ng ginawa ko. Dapat panindigan ko ito, dahil ako ang umalis. 

Tumayo ang anak ko at pagilid na niyakap ako. I instantly felt ashamed. This is not what mothers does. Dapat ako ang maging kuhanan niya ng lakas. Dapat sa kanya ko ito ginagawa, pero lagi't lagi nalang siya ang sumasalba sa'kin. Pinababalik ako sa katinuan at wisyo -- realidad. 

Honestly, I don't deserve everything I have now. I don't deserve my son, who stood like a motivator and the one who always knocked some senses in me. 

When I left Jason, my son came into my life and it all felt like Jason wasn't lost from me. That's why I had this strength to get by along the years.

But you don't always get to run from your past. You don't always get to forget them. Because forgetting them would mean losing a part of your body, your soul -- your whole being. And its left here. Now I'm back uncertain if I have to let go the past and keep it as a beautiful token of the happiness I'm wishing and build a new one with the present or face it, and pray it becomes part of you again, with no wounds, with all pieces put up together.

Joseph's small hands wiped my tears after I pulled myself together. No. After he pulled me back together. I heard my phone ringing again then remembered I have a site visit to attend to and I'm already late.

I kissed my son's cheeks. He's still looking at me, surveying me if I'll cry again. 

"Ayos na si Mama, 'nak." mahinahon kong sabi sa kanya. Hawak ang maliliit niyang kamay na ilang beses nang nagligtas sa akin.