Just some rants

They dont love you

"Humans will always love the people who don't love them back" I've spent all my life knowing this yet i still chose to ignore it while proving every point the phrase made. I chose to keep caring deeply about the one person i felt i could never have. I chose to continue the friendship i had with others even though i felt excluded from their memories. I choose to stay the wonderful and obedient child just for the slim chance for my father and mother to pay more attention to me. No matter how hard you try to love someone into giving you what you so desire it won't lead them into understanding how you feel.

The person i chased for so long. It went on for three years before i eventually gave up due to my exhausted state of mind that was caused by chasing someone to the point i was willing to change everything to be in his arms. The event that lead to my heartbreak was when i saw the person who shared my feelings for him win. She confessed as i had done before yet her experience was very much different from mine. He gave her what she wanted while he flat out said no to me. After that i erased every memory every photo every conversation i had that reminded me of him.

The only group of friends i had in high school. I truly didn't belong there because i had only met them in high school while they knew each other ever since they were little. i felt happy that i was able to knit myself into an already closed group. Only i found out i was wrong to say i was part of them. They advocated for equality and yelled at me for "excluding" one member while i wasn't even the one who did it. i didn't know at the time but the words that came out of their mouths that day were contradicting something they had done just a week prior. They didn't think it was a big deal but to me it made me feel drained and empty. They excluded me from something we were planning to do together then tried to hide it from me. once i found out they told me i was exaggerating even though deep down they knew it was wrong. I pushed them away as well. I was done feeling horrible because i was so different from them. As much as i cared about them they didn't care about me so i decided i was done.

Watching movies and shows i saw how being the favorite child was amazing. I also realized i was not it. i am the least favorite child because i'm in the middle. i'm like both my parents so they don't like that they see themselves in me. They would rather love the oldest who doesn't care about them and the youngest who treats them like the help. When one is doing something alone i always go with them so they don't feel lonely but they don't care. I can't block them i can't stop hanging out with them at school so it's more difficult to give up and let go but i'm done. i'm done and as soon as i can i will let go and give up.

It will never be easy to give up and erase everything. letting go of people was the hardest thing i've ever done. it's easy to say you want to stop but to look someone in the eyes and say i dont care about you anymore is a difficult experience. give up on chasing but never give up on getting rid of the things weighing you down.