Midnight Thoughts

ENTRY 1

   Hey,

   People are not for me.

   I don't even know why I thought I could do this. Going to Hogwarts, having friends, playing Quidditch.. it's all for normal people.

   I'm not normal.

   I don't even deserve to be here!

   If— if Professor Cordona, the Potions miss, if she forgot or couldn't brew my potion on a full moon.. my life, and my friends' lives, would be in serious danger.

   Hello, my name's Teddy Lupin. Or, if you feel like being an uptight twat, Edward Remus Lupin. Hey, dad. You're in my name. Sounds like a joke, doesn't it? 'What do you call it when your dad's in your name? A father-ific mess.'

   I'm sorry, that wasn't even funny. The person who got past my Locking Charm must be very bored reading this diary. Well, ha-ha-ha, here's some breaking news: I'm not writing for someone else's entertainment. This is my brain, my mind on paper. Not a fairytale for you, intruder, to read.

   Anyways...

   This is my first day of my first year at Hogwarts. Well, not really, since I'm writing this at midnight the day before the train comes. Aunt Ginny gave me this diary because she had one at my age. Uncle Harry says he wants me to have it 'cause he would've liked something like this back in his first year. You know, with the Quirrell crap, and the Mirror of Erised, and facing Moldy Voldy himself, as Peeves likes to sing it...

    Uncle Harry's had a hard life.

   But back to my original topic. I should never have agreed to come to Hogwarts. I'm such a bloody idiot, I am. I mean, a Metamorphmagus and a half-werewolf? I really am an exact mashup of Mum and Dad, aren't I? Right now I've let my hair fade to a caramel brown, like Dad's hair and left my eyes like Mum's; dark, dark gray. Helps me remember them a little, like, I'm sort of in their body.. but they're still gone.

   Not the bloody point, Lupin, stop getting distracted!

   Right. I need to let my alter ego control myself a lot more.

   The point is, being— well, being what I am, it's not safe for the other students here! I could kill someone, hurt a friend, by one tiny mistake or delay from Prof. Cordona. It's not even worth it! All this risk, and for what? For me to have friends? For me to feel normal and accepted? It's not going to happen anyway, so why risk lives for it?!

   I'm so selfish.

   I'm sorry Mum and Dad. You must be so ashamed of me.. 'Cause even after all that, I'm still eagerly waiting, counting the minutes til I can board the Hogwarts Express. I still.. want to go.

   I am the world's biggest self-absorbed prat. Merlin help the kids at Hogwarts this year.

   Guiltily yours,

   T. Lupin