The Baby Project: Put me back together

Hermione- Chapter 8

"How is he?" Cho asks sympathetically, lightly touching my shoulder. 

"Fine," I say quietly. "He just came straight in, went into the bedroom, and fell asleep. I haven't seen him yet."

Cho nods, processing this. "And how are you?"

"Me?" I ask, surprised.

"Yes, you," she says gently. "You don't look very well."

"Ah, well that's the pregnancy," I say with fake enthusiasm.

She shakes her head. "No I don't think it is."

I don't say anything, and we fall into an uncomfortable silence. 

I am worried. Draco has been in the hospital wing for a week, and Madame Pomfrey explained that they got some muggle antidepressants for him. 

I hope they are working. 

Madame Pomfrey assured me that he is making good progress, but her smile seems stretched and thin. 

Everyone is sad. 

The war has left permanent scars on us all. 

Those scars will never fully heal. 

And do you know what the worst thing is?

I can't do anything about it. 

I feel my shoulders sagging, unable to bear the weight of this. Of life. I could do it, what Draco did. But I remember what he looked like, standing on the ledge. Unstable, moments away from plummeting down to an uncertain fate. Thick, red blood dripping from the deep cut in his neck. I can't do that. I'm not brave, or strong enough. 

And it frustrates me.

I shake the thought, shocked at myself. I shouldn't think such things. It's only because of what you saw, I tell myself. But I can't stop imagining what it would be like if it was me on that ledge. If I was the one with the knife at my neck. If I was the one who was bold, fearless. Free.

Instantly, I feel guilty. What would my parents think if they could hear me now?

I miss them.

I almost forget that Cho is still here. As the first tear rolls down my cheek, she hugs me, and I cry into her shoulder, in desperate need of the comfort. I feel weak and tired, and I need to stop thinking for a bit. Wipe my mind clean, erase all my thoughts. 

It annoys me that I can't.

"It's ok," Cho says soothingly, her accent making her sound soft and motherly. 

I cry harder, missing my Mum even more.

After a few minutes, I wipe the tears from my cheeks, and compose myself. I need to get it together. 

I can do this. 

I give Cho a wan smile. 

"Thank you," I say, trying harder to make my smile seem sincere. 

She looks at me worriedly. "Where are you going?"

"I must go and check on Draco, and get something to eat of course!" I say, and I think I succeed at seeming happy about it.

Then again, she doesn't quite seem convinced.

"Ok then, but do come and find me if you need me," she says, looking into my eyes and nodding softly.

"Ok," I whisper, trying not to let my voice crack.

I make my way to the apartment, dragging my feet along in an effort to prolong the time until I have to face Draco. I just hope that he's still asleep.