Resentment

Resentment| 10

"Why are you here, Yun? Why do you continue to come back here?" It was a basic question that Yun should've been able to answer in her sleep.

This was her third time coming to see Dr. Saffron Brazen, and all the while she's been there, she hasn't been to work or communicated with anyone. She was forcing herself to handle her problems head-on instead of keeping it all in and victim-blaming.

"Because I have something to say," Those simple words held a ton of weight, they seemed to lift a weight off her chest but also constrict her even more. "Because I have a problem."

"Does this have anything to do with my diagnosis?" Saffron's golden hazel eyes stared into Yun's deep, dark brown eyes. Eyes that held pain and suffering but also love and admiration.

"No, it has something to do with the past as well as what we talked about yesterday," Yun let her eyes roam over Saffron as she began to take in her features. She could tell Saffron took care of herself, not just physically but mentally. Saffron carried herself in a way that only a person in power would, and it wasn't the power of authority that Yun was thinking about. Saffron was in power of her mind and body, she controlled every thought and action that surrounded her.

"Ahh, the woman who sang at that cafe you sat in yesterday," Saffron smiled in realization, she wondered how she didn't see this earlier. Yun never let any thought leave her mind without a thorough analysis.

"Yes, it wasn't necessarily the girl but the song she was singing..." Yun wasn't sure how she wanted to go about this conversation, but she had to release the pressure in her mind. "She was singing Adore You, it wasn't a song I had heard before but it was one line that truly shook me with bewilderment."

Saffron tilted her head to the side as she began writing in her notepad only to look back at Yun with a raised eyebrow. "What was the line?" Yun had not brought that up at their session yesterday, so she was eager to hear what she had to say.

Yun licked her lips before she closed her eyes, she let the memory come back to her as she took a breath. "Just let me adore you, Like its the only thing I'll ever do."

She would probably have never listened to the song on her own accord, but that one line prompted her to listen to the whole song--on repeat. She played the song back to back just so that she could hear that one part of the song.

Saffron nodded for Yun to continue, "How? How can he possibly adore someone like its the only thing he'll ever do?" Yun laughed humorlessly as she gritted her teeth and clenched her fist.

Saffron watched as Yun's eyes hardened with unshed tears, she watched as Yun put little moon indents on the inside of her palm from how hard her nails pressed up against them. Her breathing so ragged that she barely noticed the way Yun clutched her the cloth where her heart would be, she gripped it so tight that Saffron was afraid that it would tear a hole into her clothes.

"Is this really about the lyrics?" Saffron's voice calm and soothing as she lowered her tone, she didn't want to frighten or add to Yun's frantic state.

"Yes! What else would it be about!? How could he possibly cherish a person so much that he's willing to let it consume him? How could I possibly do that?" Yun voiced was raised as she looked at Saffron with wild eyes, her body on edge as her eyes cried on their own. "Why can't I see the world in such a beautiful way? Why can't I make the important people in my life love me?"

Saffron sighed as she grabbed a box of soft tissues and pushed it across the table to Yun, "You? Is there someone you want to adore? Is there someone you want to love you?" These were the questions Yun needed to be asked, questions she couldn't evade and hide behind.

"I want to adore Nalani like it's the only thing I'll ever do, I want my love for her to consume my entire being. What's the point of loving her if I can't feel that love ignite my soul?" The question was rhetorical and Saffron knew that, so all she did was listen and watch. Yun gripped the pillow to her chest before she turned on to her stomach and buried her face into the same pillow. "I want my dad to love me, but it's too late for that. I want Nalani and the people I care about to love me. I want to remember my mom's love as it was, but I have a fucking twin brother who loves my mother just as much as me. I'm selfish and I don't want to share my memories with him. Why!? Why couldn't the one parent who loved me, stay with me?"

The first thing Saffron noticed that Yun had never brought up, was a twin brother. Saffron watched the way Yun cried, the way her cries came out strangled. "Why am I so consumed with hate? I'm constantly drowning in my own pool of emotions. And it's not like its anyone's fault but my own, I make myself feel this way. Why? Because I have a fucking problem with letting go." Yun wiped her tears furiously as they continued to come, she truly felt like a child. She abruptly stood up as she leaned against the wall and slid down it slowly. "I have all these unanswered questions, all these why's...Why won't they stop? Why won't these fucking tears stop?" Yun accidentally banged her head against the wall in the spur of the moment. She cried out in pain as she cradled her head against her knees.

Saffron stood and walked over to Yun, she bent down so that she was face to face with Yun. "So again, why are you here? Why do you continue to come here?"

"Because I want air, I want to breathe...I need to live."
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Melanin Nation!🍫

Thank you, everyone, for your support, it means the world to me and I promise to take y'all on one hell of a ride.

A strong black man, who has inspired people, has died; I am very heart broken and torn at the moment. May Chadwich Rest In Heaven✨💫

It's a small chapter, I didn't feel the need to make this extra long because I wanted this chapter to just be about this moment🤷🏾‍♀️😭

Please excuse any grammatical errors or mistakes! Don't hesitate to tell me if there are any errors.

Thoughts!?

"Sometimes revenge will never bring you happiness." POETICALLYKIY